Monday, February 05, 2007

Insomnia? A Quick, Easy Cure in 3 Easy Steps!

As I sit here, sipping on my Sleepy Time Tea (after trying to fall asleep for about 10 minutes), I click on random and yahoo headlines. These articles lure you in, with the "I'm a short article, easy solutions to all your problems!"

"8 Easy ways to Save Money"

"Trendy Outfits at Half the Price!"

"Hairstyle for your lifestyle"

Stuff like that.

I click on these articles, with their catchy headlines, only to find that these people aren't telling me anything I didn't know already. I wonder how much these writers make!

Which brings me to another point: How do magazines maintain business? How many times can Shape magazine tell you how to blast ab fat in 8 simple moves? How many "Spice up your Sex Life" articles can Cosmo come up with? With the popularity of the internet- where information is just a couple of keystrokes away- this question befuddles me even more.

So, if the whole med-school thing doesn't work out, I may write a column for a website or something. I mean, there's a bunch of crap I've come up with that I've never read in any of these "how-to" articles. For example:

For hair:

Hair tip #1: Don't wash your hair every day.
Actually, try to go as long as humanly possible without washing your hair. The natural oils are good for you, and excessive washing causes dryness, dullness, and it's costing you tons in shampoo, conditioner, and time spent on styling.

*note: I'm pretty sure these hair guru diva writers KNOW this, but won't write it because our society is obsessed with bathing all the time. Scrub scrub scrub.*

If you're not blonde, get over it. Brunettes have more fun anyway! Dying your hair is so bad for it. But, if you insist, at least use lots of conditioner, and invest in some good haircare products.

Hair tip #3: Don't brush your hair, unless absolutely necessary.
And it's rarely "absolutely necessary." I never, ever, EVER brush my hair. Never. Brushing causes breakage, shedding, and it's just annoying.

Hair tip #4: Change it up.
Always have in stock 2 different shampoo/conditioner sets. Your hair gets bored, and your results will diminish with repeated use. The same goes for hair products (straightening balm, mousse, silk drops, etc)

Hair tip #5: Olive Oil.
Warning: not for individuals with oily hair! For those of you with thick, not very oily hair, this is a GREAT way to get shiny hair for cheap. Once every 3 or 4 washes, before washing your locks, grab a bottle of olive oil, lean your head over the sink, and pour that stuff on the BOTTOM PART of your hair. Not the roots (unless your hair is really really dry). Otherwise, yuck. Too much oil. Rub it in and leave it on for a while. I don't know how long you're supposed to do it for, but I can't really handle it for more than 10 minutes. Wash thoroughly. Results: shinier, healthier hair!
Other weird cheap household items you can put in your hair for shine include vaseline and mayonnaise. I've tried both and do NOT recommend either of them. I smelled like mayo for a week. Bleh.

Ok, see? Minus my personal commentaries and anecdotes, I think I do a great job. I've got the "Helpful hint" format down.

Some more:

Money saving tip #1: Do it yourself.
Don't pay 7.99 for that roast beef on rye and bag of chips at the school's overpriced cafeteria; instead, stop being a lazy ass and buy the stuff and make it yourself. If you're always on-the-go, dedicate time one or two times a week to preparation of little meals that are ready to grab in the morning. If this is too much for you, for the love of God, at least brew your own coffee. The cost of 3 cups of Joe at Starbucks could buy you 24 cups worth of Folgers.

*note: numbers are approximations and could very well be completely off, but there is no denying that coffee shops make a killing off their coffee. Out of sheer curiosity, I will do the math soon.*

Money saving tip #2: Generic? Not always!
We are programmed to think that buying generic is better, but sometimes the name brands are on special, and are cheaper than the supermarket brand. Look out for this.

Money saving tip #3: Rewards!
Get all the rewards cards you can (my CVS card is my hero). Check receipts for coupons.

Money saving tip #4: Say no to showing off.
Don't buy designer handbags. IT IS A WASTE OF MONEY. As a matter of fact, if you find yourself strapped for cash, yet your clothing/accessories are not from Target, Marshalls, or Ross, you're doing something wrong. The clothes do not make the man/woman. As my good friend Tyler Durden put it: YOU ARE NOT YOUR FUCKING KAKHIS. Point: stop being a materialistic retard and then maybe you won't have to read articles like this.

And, finally, the grand finale:

Spice up your sex life tip #1: Stop being so fucking uptight.
That's most people's problem. Especially women.

Spice up your sex life tip #2: "Be creative"/Porn, porn, porn
They say "be creative" but you don't know where to start. This is where pornography can give you some fun ideas. For the squeamish, there is stuff like Skinemax, I mean, Cinemax. If you can't handle that either, read some nice love story/romance novels that are "sensual" or whatever cliche term you want to use for pornographic. The vast majority of pornography is done tastelessly, and the fact that every woman looks like "Do me now Barbie" can be discouraging . Also, without a story line it may feel way too raunchy.

Spice up your sex life tip #3: Honesty and openess
Honesty with your partner is by far the most important thing. Not just for sex, but for everything. Most guys don't enjoy sex with their partners because they are afraid to express what they really like, for fear of being "disrespectful." I blame this, in part, on girls who are ashamed of sexuality. This is a really big issue among couples. It's sad that the average age of lost virginity is declining, people are having sex with more people, but many couples are not enjoying sex as much as they could be.
OPENESS PEOPLE! Sexuality is a beautiful thing, it should be embraced. Unfortunately our society likes to shove it in our faces but create a huge taboo for it at the same time. There's nothing to be ashamed of, except carelessness. Carelessness with your own emotions, carelessness with someone else's emotions, carelessness with protection.

Sigh, I could go all night with this, but I have to get to bed.

Haha, I said "I could go all night." That's what he said. (Office reference, Office reference!!!)

Good night.

May your wallet be fat, your hair be fabulous, and your sex life, fantastic.


Raw thoughts on Marianaita said...

You sexy freak!!!!!

Daughter of Night said...

OMG, you're a Fight Club fan, too. You rock!!


Raw Thoughts said...

This is what the real Raw Thoughts said, hair tips #1, #2, and #3 are exactly how I got this fabulous caveman hair. :)

and the real Raw Thoughts has never been "on Marianita" ;)

Marianita said...

To Caveman:
Aw, raw, ya had to go
I knew it wasn't you who posted the first one.

To the buffoon who posted the first one:
I knew who it was the second I read it... You're the freak, freak ;)

To Daughter:
Yes, Fight Club is one of the greatest movies of all time with the best actor ever. Not Mr. Pitt... Mr. Norton.
BTW, your blog is really interesting... I've been meaning to comment on some of your posts but I'm drowning in diagrams of brains.