Wednesday, November 28, 2007

NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH

Whenever people ask me "is med school like Gray's Anatomy" I want to throw a shit fit. Med school is NOT like Gray's anatomy. Med school is something like Mean Girls crossed with Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Everyone is stressed and angry, there are cliques, people make fun of each other, we're tossing around chunks of dead body, and we are perpetually terrified. There are no McDreamies or McSteamies, just McDonald's or Wendy's, the only kind of food most of us can afford/have time to eat. The only action most of us have gotten in a while is unintentional, as we searched for the hymenal caruncles (remnants of the hymen) or the suspensory ligament of the penis.

The other reason that question bothers me: Grey's Anatomy is a terrible show. I've watched it twice and that's two times too many.

Yesterday we donned our bright blue, poorly fitted, cardboardesque scrubs for one last time and took our final exam.

About 3 months ago we walked into the lab and saw cadavers on their backs, hands neatly folded in front of them. That was a little weird, a little scary, and maybe even gross for some people.

What's left over? A room full of severed body parts; hemisected skulls, hemisected pelvises, and the occasional cross-section of a penis (at least we know what Lorena Bobbit saw). The legs are detached from some bodies. I can't imagine what we would've felt like if we had walked in the first day and seen that.

The nastiest nasty shit (no pun intended) was when there was doo-doo in some of the butts. Feces in the rectum, if you will. Doo-doo on the books, doo-doo on people's lab coats. Ugh.

As much as I loved anatomy, I'm extremely glad it's over. That class required way to much time spent in that lab, inhaling chemicals and coping with my inability to understand things spatially.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007


vs.


PIRATES VS. NINJAS

The time consuming, mind decaying invention that is Facebook has brought to me a very pressing question: Is it better to be a pirate or a ninja?

Unecessarily long background on Facebook applications: Pirates versus ninjas is one of thousands of pointless applications that I did NOT add to my page on facebook. I do, however, have Scrabble (Scrabulous), The Office quotes generator, and maybe one or two other cool things. "Buy me a drink" application and "superpoke" or "superwall with grafitti" do look appealing, but I already spend unreasonable amounts of time on facebook. Adding these applications would only end one way: Me failing med school and becoming a Meth addict.

Back to the point: Pirates versus Ninjas is an application where you choose to be a Pirate or a Ninja, I think. I didn't add the application, but it did somehow end up wasting a lot of my time anyway, since it got me thinking a lot.

Thinking about what? Well, thinking about whether it's better to be a pirate or a ninja, of course.

The answer to that question was seemingly simple: a ninja, no doubt! Ninjas are awesome. With stealth and speed, they assassinate their enemies gracefully. They have powerful minds. They wear black, which is slimming. They are nimble and quick (like Jack).

Pirates are brutes. They are loud and rough and vulgar. Clumsy, too, what with all those wooden legs and missing eyes.

Then I got to thinking: which represents ME more.

Anyone who has spent time with me knows that I could be a spokesperson for modern day pirate women. I am loud and vulgar. I'm rambunctiously clumsy and clumsily rambunctious. I eat, drink, and am merry all the time. I call out to my friends "Yo ho," which is one "ho" short of being a cliche pirate song (I think it goes: "yo ho ho and a bottle of rum"). OK, that last one was a stretch. I do, however, curse like a PIRATE, as I've been told repeatedly by family and friends.

BUT, at least I'm really happy all the time, and I know how to have fun.

Let's see. What if I could be both? But wait! Ninjas are quiet. As in, no talking. I *always* have something to say. Furthermore, ninjas are thin and in shape. Pffft. Need I say more? One more thing: Ninjas are great at deceiving people, and being sneaky. I don't lie. Not because I feel bad, but because I suck at lying. It's so much easier to be honest. Brutally honest at times.

So after realizing how pirate-like I am (and how ninja-like I am not), I had to reassess my initial thoughts on which is better. Of course, at this point, I was starting to become pirate-biased.

Ninjas may be extremely skilled warriors, who bring the art of fighting to a whole new level... they may be super cool and nimble and awesome, but they show no emotion. They're cold. They live the life of a ninja, sneaking around and hiding. Hiding their true emotions. Hiding their faces. So sad is the life of a ninja.

Pirates enjoy life and party. They don't take themselves seriously, and they're always on a boat. They have great tans (I think) and lots of booty (not the J-lo kind).


Speaking of J-Lo, HOLY CRAP she's ballooned.



Look at that heifer. Who says pregnancy isn't a disease?

OMG
OMG OMG J/K

Moving back to pirates and ninjas, I cannot deny that although I am compelled to pledge allegiance to piratedom, I am still fascinated by the ninjas. I could try to be a ninja, but I think at this point in life it's too late.

The solution: find me a ninja man, who I can make pirate-ninja babes with. How cool would that be?

In all seriousness, though, I tend to like those who are calm, cool, and collected. I feel as though I really need people like that in my life. For a long time now, those who have been my most comforting friends have been this way, with some exceptions.

Don't get me wrong: I love hanging out with other pirates, but it's the ninjas in my life are the ones who bring me balance.

Friday, November 09, 2007

"Flying first class, up in the sky...Champagne, livin' the life"

God, Fergie's dumb. The worst part about it all is that she thinks we're just as dumb as she is, so she spells things out for us. "G-L-A-M.... O-R-O-U-S"

Somehow she's smart enough to have found people who can insert her into some exceedingly catchy songs. "My humps" = pure genius. No? It's a profound social commentary on current gender roles in society and the female's ingenious use of anatomical protuberances to subvert the need to pay for things herself.

"You love my lady lumps."

OK fine. It's not a social commentary. It's a dumb song by a dumb ho. But I love it. It's fun to dance to. And it's hilarious!

Why am I here? I can't study anymore. I found myself reading 2 pages at a time without actually *reading.* Then Pandora radio started playing "Glamorous" and that was the end of my motivation to even THINK about being motivated to study.

Yes, I'm complaining about school again. It's so painful.

On that whiny note: I missed the Office tonight, for the first time all season (besides the very first episode). And for what? To study for the stupid quiz. Oh so sad! Fear not, I am equipped to deal with this situation. DVR. I got a sweet deal with the cable company and it's only costing me 10 bucks a month, split with my Indian Princess roommate. I've watched more television this year than I have since I was in highschool. The Office, It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, Californication, Entourage, South Park, Big Love. With the exception of Big Love, everything I watch is comedy. I don't like to feel sad or concerned when I watch TV. Good comedy is a good vacation away from this world. I haven't watched the news in ages.

Maybe that makes me in denial, which, as it turns out, isn't only a river in Egypt.

wait for it....

wait for it...

*Badum-bishhhhh*

ANYWAY, I recently watched a couple of episodes of "Weeds," which is also a spectacularly funny show.

Back to the subject of school, since I have nothing better to talk about: in less than 30 days, I'll be in Jacksonville, with NO EXAMS to study for. I'll be shadowing a real doctor for 2 weeks or so. That means I get to actually remember WHY I AM IN MEDICAL SCHOOL. It also means I get to relax and party my ass off with other students who are up there. I'm pretty excited.

Until then, I'll take life one caffeine fix at a time.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Life, insomnia, and the pursuit of happiness

I should be sleeping! We have a quiz on Friday. Damn over-sized energy drinks (I had one with lunch today... not smart).

The first semester of medical school (one half of one fourth of the whole shabang) is almost over. We'll dissect tomorrow then just once more before anatomy is over. I'm somewhere in between relieved and sad.

I've had such an intense love-hate relationship with anatomy. On the one hand, there's the smell, the impossible nature of the tasks handed to us, the volumes of information we must memorize, regurgitate, and understand. On the other hand, there's the unique experience to peek inside a human being (22 human beings, to be exact), to see what makes us tick. All the stuff we've learned is pretty neat. I know what you look like on the inside. Weird, isn't it?

This unit- abdomen and pelvis, is supposed to be the easiest. But morale is low. Everyone's tired of studying, tired of smelling like formaldehyde, and tired of not seeing the light of day. Even though November 14 will mark 3 months of medical school for us, I feel like most people are still adjusting to this life (or lack thereof).

I am still struggling to figure out where I want to be through it all. Do I always want to do my best? I remember reading once that no matter what you're doing, do it as well as you can and you'll be happy.

On the other hand, I have interests and aspirations that lie well outside the realm of medical school, and require that I look beyond this obsession with doing as well as I possibly can.

The old question is: "What do you call the person at the bottom of his (or her) med school class?"

The answer, of course, is "Doctor"

So why be miserable and try to get the A, when I can be having fun and getting lower grades?

I haven't studied hard for the quiz on Friday. I've been getting all the sleep I need, cooking for myself, and keeping up with my television (Heroes and South Park, to be precise). To the outsider, this may seem like nothing. But to a med school student, spending all that time not studying is equated with throwing in the towel. Luckily for me, I'm a fast learner and I'll be fine. But only "fine." I won't be "excellent" or "exemplary." I won't be pushing myself to full potential. Then I'll feel crappy about it.

The conclusion: there is no happiness in medical school. If you push yourself all you get is a grade. If you try to live your life and be happy all you get is remorse.

Maybe I should stop bitching and moaning about this. I knew it would suck before I started.

I'm almost done downing my insomnia remedy (lots of wine) so perhaps I should hit the proverbial hay.

One more day of agony, then the quiz...

...then some more agony before the last exams at the end of November...

...THEN only 3.5 years more of medical school!

Sweeeeeet.

(shoot me)

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Urban Dictionary's Take on My Schools

So, I was perusing Urban Dictionary, and the word/phrase of the day a few days back was "Don't Tase Me Bro," paying homage to the event at my wonderful school, where campus police tazed (or is it tazered) a student who was getting a little uppity when asking John Kerry a question. I noticed that the words "University of Florida" were a link, so I clicked, and found this entry for my Gatorrific school:

University of Florida:

A place where diversity is a foreign word, and the girls wouldnt dare wear anything execpt pink, pearls,and a camo hat with their sorority letters on it, and you will stick out like a sore thumb if it doesn't look like you took 9 and 1/2 hrs to get ready.

I thought this was titillating, particularly because "the U" (University of Miami) actually sounds a lot like this. At least that's how I felt all 4 years there. My curiosity led me to search for my alma mater. The first entry was:

University of Miami:


The only place in the world where a hairy Jewish kid will get laid by a supermodel.


This is hilarious, because it's true.

Finally, I figured I'd finish the trifecta and search for good ol' Georgetown. I figured this would have the most negative but hilarious entries. I recoiled in terror to only find good things, including:


The best overall university in the United States--well-adjusted, smart, ambitious, good-looking, socially aware, and involved students come from across the country and the world to attend this great university. No better place for an undergraduate experience.


Um.. WTF? Seriously. Georgetown is a joke. Granted, I didn't go there for undergrad, so my view is skewed. It's in a GREAT area, yes. It's a beautiful school, yes. But come ON. There is so much to make fun of there. Everyone's got more money than they know what to do with, there are popped collars everywhere, and they THINK they are an Ivy League school. Also, despite it being in the middle of one of the most diverse cities in the world, "diversity" is a foreign concept at G-town.

The rest of the entries for UM and UF were mixed: good and bad, lots of funny stuff. There was snobbery in the entries for all 3 schools, but Georgetown was by far the worst.

Something I learned: Apparently, UF students consider UF to be a public Ivy League of the South. Umm... I don't know bout that. It is a great school, though. I am happy to be at UF med school.

On that note, I should get my happy ass to that wonderful med school and get to studying.

Friday, November 02, 2007

Medical school woes

Last week during a break between our exams someone told me that the first year of medical school brings out the worst in people, particularly girls.

Medical school, in all its glory, has made me the most irritable person I've ever been.

I feel like I need the unabridged, fully illustrated version of "How To Deal With Annoying People."

I used to be one of those people who could probably host a 5 day seminar on how to deal with annoying people gracefully. Suddenly, I am one of those people who should be in the front row of that seminar, taking notes feverishly.

I partially attribute it to overexposure. I'm at school 7 days a week, many hours a day, same people every day. It's like high school over again, except way less fun.

I also attribute it to the fact that med schools everywhere are likely to have many individuals exhibiting social pathologies. You've got your judgmental closed minded, opinionated kids. You've got your overachieving, ass-kissing, "I'm only out for myself" kids. Many times, you'll encounter people who exhibit both sets of traits. Then there are people who only study and have no life whatsoever. And the perpetually stressed out individuals... just looking at them bumps up my systolic pressure a good 20 mmHg.

Eventually, you become a product of your environment, don't you? I've caught myself obsessing over grades, torturing myself with guilt for taking a day off from studying. I've found myself wanting the A more than anything in this world. Bleh.

What also sucks is that I often don't know what to talk about besides school. I'm so boring. I've forgotten how to communicate with people who are not in med school.

Another thing: Every once in a while, a fellow classmate will sigh and wonder aloud "Why are we doing this to ourselves? Why are we in med school?" I usually turn around and walk away from this conversation, because falling into self doubt is definitely NOT on my sticky note "To Do" list. But alas, I cannot escape my own mind, and I find myself wondering more and more whether or not this was a good choice.

All that stuff (the overexposure of people, the complete immersion in medical school with no other hobbies, and the self doubt) is possibly the reason why I'm such an angry bitch.

Maybe this is who I was all along and I just had the energy to hide it well before.

Hopefully it's just a phase.

It could be worse than irritability, I suppose. I'm pretty sure school has made many of my classmates depressed, anxious, unhappy, smelly, etc. It's definitely the number one leading cause of breakups. So if all it does to me is make me a mega bitchy woman, then maybe I am blessed.

*******

Luckily, this past weekend was loaded with fun. I wrote all that stuff before the weekend actually started.

Gator Growl on Friday night = Frank Caliendo, Lynrd Skynrd. Very nice. The rest of the weekend was great fun, and I actually cooked and cleaned too. I felt normal again...

...only to wake up on Monday hating myself for being so damn irresponsible.

See? There's no such thing as happiness in medical school.