Another sleepelss night...

Last night, I was plagued by insomnia.

Tonight is proving to be no different.

It's annoying!!! Last night the sleepytime tea didn't work too well, at least not until about 8 am when I should've been up and on my way to class.

What IS IT? Is it the weather? Is it the obnxoxious sound the radiator makes? I turned that POS on last Thursday so that Monica wouldn't be cold, and all it did was annoy the crap out of us. It's impossible to turn it off. I try to tighten the thingie with as much force as humanly possible, but the stupid thing just hisses away.

I'm a weeeee bit frustrated!

Missing class sucked. I DID get a lot of stuff done, however, so I feel slightly better about it.

Tomorrow we only have one class, but it's at 9 am. This 9 am garbage is torture. I'm almost positive I'll miss the stupid class, which is not good.

Ok, enough grumpy stuff.

On a lighter note, 2 of my cousins from Lebanon, Alain and Michelle are in Montreal with their parents, and there's a webcam where they're staying. I got to see their cute little faces while they frantically typed in broken English on MSN. I love those kids!

Talking to children always makes me feel good. They are so different, their lives are not plagued by constant worry and fretfulness. It's like they're a different species. Or aliens. It's so refreshing to talk to the little creatures or watch them in action. Even the 12-14 year olds, in all their pubertal awkwardness and angst, with those pimple-ridden faces, can be somewhat charming. It's rare, but it happens. My little brother is the coolest kid in town. 12 years old, funny as hell!

Kids bring me back to my childhood. Yes, the childhood which was wrought with mean classmates and being ridiculed. Yes, the childhood where I was the huge obnoxious nerd who ran like a duck and had buck teeth. I got made fun of for lots of other stuff, too. It was painfully annoying. In retrospect, any adult would look at me as a child and say there's nothing wrong with this kid, needs some braces, but she's healthy and smart, comes from a great family. But when you're a kid, how do you know how lucky you really are?

It took me a while to get over the hurt from being made fun of so much. I'd say I really got over it at 22. No exaggeration. The kids were really mean.

In highschool I didn't get made fun of really, but the low self esteem was still there, going on strong. I managed to have an amazing experience regardless!

Nowadays, I'd say my life has been refocused to more important things. I still have the big teeth, and I'm still awkward as hell. At least I learned how to run properly (phew).

No more self hatred and thinking life really sucks. Yippeeee!

I wouldn't say I'm oooozing confidence, either. I just learned to accept the things I couldn't change and to get off my lazy ass and change the stuff I could change. Yes, that's the Mariana version of St. Francis' prayer (I think that's the one). I also learned to count my blessings. That helps me ignore all the not so great stuff (ie the double chin and the terrible tendency to say things I shouldn't)...

Digression about being overweight:
I apply the "prayer" to weight issues, mainly. Like every other female, there are days when I wake up and feel like a blimp. An extra-large, Goodyear blimp. And there are months like that, too. Although I exercise regularly and kind of eat healthy, I could afford to lose a few pounds. And by a few, I mean 15. But, unlike many of my fellow females, I have found a no BS approach that keeps me from becoming a helpless, pathetic, self-hating chubster when a blimp day rears its ugly head. AND NO, it's not: "Screw everyone, I don't care what they think. People should love me for who I am." This is a nice idea, but it's garbage. OF COURSE I CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK. I care. I'm human (kind of). And sure, I want people to like me for who I am, but if I'm not happy about who I am, it's gonna affect everything! It's a well known fact that a huge turn off for a woman is feeling unattractive.

And if it's something I can change, why not change it if it bothers me?!?! I refuse to fall into a spiral of self hatred and depression for something like weight, which can be fixed with WILLPOWER and EXERCISE. So, to all you fatties out there, quit whining and get off your oversized booty and DO something about it. And I don't mean stomach stapling or diet pills. Eat a salad, walk a mile, and quit your bitchin'. Until then, remember that there are people out there who think big girls need love too, and there are people out there who like plus sized mamas, but if you can't find these mythical people, I think my advice is golden. Accept it or change it, Lolita....

I dish this out, but I can't say there aren't days that I'm like "boo-hoo I'm fat." But it's not terrible, I promise.

Back to being made fun of: I actually still get lots of insults from my buddies, but it's all in good fun, and it's mainly because I hang out with too many guys. They throw in fat jokes, too, which is a good indicator that I'm not really FAT AS HELL (if I were, they wouldn't say that...) I usually participate and throw in some self-deprecating commentary, mainly because I'm so much wittier than most of my friends. And quicker, too! Also, super modest! YEAH!

I partly owe my liberation from the shackles of low self esteem to Aldo, who made fun of me so much that I became numb to insults and really good at dishing them out. If I told him that something really bugged me, he said it more until I just got over it. It was annoying as hell, but quite effective.

How did I get here? What was I talking about?

Ah, yes... childhood. In the end, despite how much I thought life sucked as a child, I remember my childhood fondly, especially when I hang out with young children.

As much as I love the little poop factories, I am terrified of having my own. TERRIFIED!

OK, now that I've bored myself and you to death, it's time to try to sleep again.

Insomnia sucks.