MAJOR insomnia leading to my thoughts on an angry God.

There's no hope that I'm falling asleep anytime soon.

So... The parental unit is visiting as well as a partial sibling unit. They got here last night. It's been... interesting. Besides the expected criticism of the messiness/uncleanliness, there were other annoying things that I knew were bound to happen.

The expected cleaning and organizing rampage took place. My mother started at 7:30 am this morning. Since I have given my parents my bedroom, I was situated on the sofa, in dream land, when the ear shattering sound of the coffee grinder being pressed on repeatedly gave me no choice but to wake up. 7:30 am. I don't even wake up that early for class. My mother is not used to using a coffee grinder, so she thought she needed to press the damn button, oh, I don't know, about 35 times in order to grind the coffee. 7:30 am!!! RIDICULOUS!

The rest of the day was Extreme Makeover- Apartment Edition. I was just fine with things the way they were but the control freak mom couldn't help herself. I must say, she has a magic touch. Everything's so neat and organized!

We went to the supermarket and I stocked up on tons of stuff. We had lunch and wine, and all of us passed out (which is probably why I can't sleep right now).

At night, they left me alone for a while to go see the city and walk around or something like that. I stayed behind to catch up on some reading and because, quite frankly, I'm not used to having 3 extra people in here. I got used to my lonely life all alone and lonely, you know? Being in a one bedroom apartment with your parents and little brother, no matter how much you missed them, can be quite nerve-wracking.

And now it's 3 am. I wouldn't mind being up at this time if it weren't for the fact that I am expected to wake up and go to church tomorrow. I actually want to go, believe it or not. Despite my not-so-great thoughts on Catholicism and the church, I think it's good to spend time being spiritual. Also, this happens to be a Maronite Church (Lebanese), which means there'll be coffee and snacks and mingling with Lebanese people, which keeps me in touch with my roots and gives me people to identify with. Furthermore, I am sure we will go out to lunch. Yes, I realize I should just stick with looking righteous and say "I'm going to church tomorrow" without explaining my motives, but I'm not a faker. I want to meet people and I want to eat. There. I said it. But I meant the thing about being spiritual... Really.

I may sound like a terrible person, a terrible Christian, but I'm not worried. First of all, the only way in which I can say I'm Christian is because I do follow the teachings of Jesus Christ. Besides that, not so much. I neither deserve nor desire the title. If there is a God as the Christians see Him, I know He's not gonna be mad at me for being this way. Fearing God is not my style. I don't think he's a punisher or that He even can be. I don't think there's a final judgement. I don't believe in heaven and hell. I don't have an explanation for who made us and why are we here, but I sure as heck don't like many of the ones that are available. Maybe it's beyond the scope of our understanding, and we should just live. Enjoy life. If there is a creator, a God, do you think he wanted us to sit around and lament our sins, live in endless guilt? No-sir-ee bob. I am not a hedonistic self centered person. I believe in good and bad/evil. But I don't believe in suffering for sins. I admire the man who sinned once and learned from it more than the man who lives in sin and guilt for his sins. More important than acknowledging a sin and regretting it is learning from a sin and understanding why it is a sin.

Hypothetical situation: If the Bible says whacking off is a sin (I don't know for sure if it does, but I'd say probably). You're a dude, and you wake up with enough wood to build a log cabin. You ain't no pimp so you aren't really getting laid left and right. So you whack it (naughty boy!) You're a sinner! So do you honestly think it's better to feel guilty after you do it everytime than to just accept that the Bible is just a book written by PEOPLE? I mean, science says it's good to jerk it (prevents prostate cancer), and getting erections in public can be quite embarassing (so I've heard). So poor dude, he whacks off, it feels great, but he's gotta sit around hating himself, feeling like a bad person. Unworthy of God. Have you ever felt guilty? Do you know what GUILT can do to a person? It sucks. It's a crappy feeling.

Ok, I kinda went off there. I lost my point. Oh, ok...I think God wants boys to whack off.

Just kidding.

Maybe a better example is needed. I'm too tired to think of a better one.

I guess the point is, next time you do something bad, next time you "sin," instead of feeling guilty, just try to understand why you did what you did. Knowing is half the battle. The rest of the battle, the harder part, is to not do it again. Guilt is a waste of time, it is negative, it only makes things worse. I think maybe people invented the idea of Heaven and Hell cause they thought that fear tactics would be a good way to get people to comply. That's how this country works too, isn't it?

ANYWAY, back to God:

I really think God wants people to be happy, as long as their pursuit of happiness does not involve hurting others directly. My old pal, Bertrand Russell says:

"The good life, as I conceive it, is a happy life. I do not mean that if you are good you will be happy - I mean that if you are happy you will be good."

I've put this quote in another post. I like it. I believe it.

I need to try to sleep again. I know I'll come back to this post tomorrow and find that it barely makes sense, but for now I'll just throw it out there. I am not trying to criticize any belief system or anyone. I am just stating my point of view.

Before I go:

God is super happy. He is happiness itself. Do you think someone so happy could be an angry, punishing entity? I don't think so. I think if there's a specific being that is "God," he/she/it sits back and watches the show.

But there is an issue that comes up for me. I find a conflict in believing that there is a God and that he's happy all the time. I cannot deny that there are inexplicable things that happen, (ie coincidences, destiny, and more). You can't help but feel that you have a "guardian angel" or that "God is watching over you" sometimes. So, if I believe in that stuff then I can't really believe in a "sits back and watches the show" kind of God, because then how would I explain the bad stuff that happens without admitting that he may be angry? (do I make sense at all right now?) The point of this point is that I can't really believe in a "God" that is a single being; I can't believe in an anthropomorphic God, who judges, makes decisions, and "sees" things. My idea of God is more like, a life force, or something way too abstract for our little human minds to even begin to comprehend. This is not a Mariana original belief, I've read about stuff like this before but I can't give it the appropriate title. I like it without a title.

But, for all of those who believe in One God, the Father, the Almighty, maker of heaven and Earth, of all that is seen and unseen.... just know, he's happy. He's not mad atcha! He wants you to learn, never stop learning. He wants you to be happy. What makes me the authority on this? The same thing that makes the Church the authority on how you should live: someone's damn opinion!

Ok, now I'm really going to bed.