Third year commences...

"Well well well, missy, isn't this exactly why you came to med school? To work with patients? To talk to people? This is exactly why you abandoned the idea of a career in basic science research. You idealized it but never felt quite right sitting in the lab all day and entering intimate personal data about islet cell transplant patients, because you wanted to KNOW those patients, not just their data." That's what the person inside of me is saying. But I'm still not excited yet. And yes, the person inside of me calls me "missy." She's pretty condescending if you ask me.

To be fair, during my first two days of official real life third year rotations, I saw some really cool stuff, and got to do what I love in this whole realm of medicine- talk to patients about health. I saw mycosis fungoides, gout (and diagnosed it, too!), an incredible rash, a girl with extreme pelvic pain not yet diagnosed, and of course, the "bread and butter" of primary outpatient care: hypertension and diabetes. Ironic, bread and butter might not be the best diet for these patients. But I digress... I got to do a pelvic exam, my hands still not quite graceful with a speculum as I'd like them to be, but with the observation that with every patient I'm getting better. I got to sit with a patient diagnosed with "pre-diabetes" and explain to her the importance of weight reduction and the different diet alterations she could make. I told her to google information on diabetes and what kind of foods are right for her, because we all know that the human attention span is limited, and anything I told her then and there would likely not stick. That's what pamphlets are for. I'm particularly excited by this case, because I love the idea of patient empowerment and education. Physicians and we as future physicians cannot simply ask everyone to change and expect it to happen just because we wear white coats. They must *want* to change. And while I would love to function as a physician, nutritionist, life coach, and psychologist, I have learned the perils of spreading oneself too thin. So I hope to "teach a man to fish" and allow the patient to take control, because 20 minutes per patient is not enough.

While I have been enjoying myself in every single patient encounter since I started med school, a part of me feels hopelessly lost when it comes to actually choosing a career in medicine. Forget figuring out which specialty I like, I don't envision myself as a physician, period. It makes it harder to deal with the bullshit when you think you're not in the right career. However, I'm open to all possibilities. I may find a specialty that I fall in love with this year (dear God please). I am keeping an open mind and open heart.

The other part of me that's not excited is the part of me that is jumping through hoops. There are grades and there are requirements and most other rotations leave you with little energy and time, as evidenced by the misery of my classmates. There is Match day, where you make a list and schools make a list and a computer program makes ONE decision and that's where you're going for the next 3-5 years no questions asked. Then residency where your first year HAS to be hell for most specialties because that's how it is. And while the past is behind us, I will never forget second year and studying for the Step 1 exam. I have an aversion to this system of education for future physicians. Why must it be this way? "This is the way it's been for years now" is not a sufficient explanation, in my humble opinion, because communication and access to information has NOT been this way for years. Changes in these realms should allow for a different style of curriculum, a more practical way of delivering the knowledge and skills needed to become a competent physician. But what do I know? This might be necessary. I just don't like it. Blah.

I suppose the hoops and loops and bullshit is also bothering me of late because I have been subjected to being separated from my dear boyfriend. Call me weak, but it SUCKS to do long distance. Period. Web cam helps. I would easily fly up there as much as possible, but hey, guess who's on a student salary of NEGATIVE forty thousand bucks a year? I am! And if I were a rich girl, then the next barrier to boyfriendland is schedule. His first year intern schedule SUCKS and my third year med school student SUCKS. So yeah, I should just SUCK it up. I'm working on that.

My complain-o-meter has now overheated. I should end with some positives: I have met some amazing friends in med school. I have learned so much and continue to learn every day. I am fortunate enough to be pursuing a career whose main goal is to take care of people. I am surrounded by love and have wonderful people in my life. And, even though he's far, I'm lucky to be in a good relationship with solid communication and a wonderful, mutual sense of adventure. I will graduate with job security (hey, in this economy, ya gotta think about that). And, even if I went through all of this, and decided it was the wrong career, I can still pursue my other goals in health care (that's a whole other blog entry, honey!)