Aspiration...

I think to most people, the term "aspiration" generally has positive connotations.

It means ambition. The desire to accomplish something great.

But in a hospital, the word "aspiration" brings to chills to everyone's spine.

If someone might have aspiration we do all kinds of stuff to stop it.

We might shove a tube down their trachea and have a machine breathe for them if we think there's a risk of aspiration.

And if a kid comes in with aspiration... it's truly an ordeal!

Cause, in layman's terms, aspiration means you done breathed some vomit or somethin' into yo lungs that don't belong there. Those were layman's terms, North Florida style.

Working at hospitals has destroyed the word "aspiration" for me, and it has coincidentally taken a toll on my aspirations in medicine in ways too convoluted to describe at this moment.

Some days, I feel that if choosing a career was like picking something from a menu at a restaurant, I'd send this dish back and ask for something more tasty. I'd also make sure that my new order would actually be worth the price. Or maybe, I'd just get up and leave and never come back to the restaurant.

Damn I'm hungry now.

Mmhmm... I'm back.

Parin has inspired me to bloggity blog. Also I'm on Pediatrics, which is far less intense than surgery. Also, it's almost time to choose a specialty, which means all them issues come to the surface...

Like, why medicine? What should I do with my life? Where should I go? Should I follow him to NYC? (I know the answer to that one at least)... Do I really want to spend 80 hours a week at the hospital?

But I don't want to talk about that right now, because none of that is happening right now. And I promised myself to stay present. None of that past-dwelling or future fretting ever really helped me much.

So presently, I am a 26 year old girl. Correction, woman. At this point, I've got at least 20 white hairs sprouting from my head. And even if I didn't, I think I'm a woman now. So, I am a 26 year old woman who is learning about how to take care of people- healthy and not so healthy. A 26 year old woman who is learning about how hospitals work and how operations are undertaken; how antibiotics are given and how wounds are cared for. I'm working hard and waking up WAY earlier than I ever thought I wanted to wake up. I'm allowing myself to vent some complaints (sometimes a LOT of complaints) but I am getting better at remembering to be grateful for the amazing opportunity and privilege medical school really is. Presently I'm enjoying being in love with a wonderful person who complements me and compliments me and holds my hand when I need it but not tight enough to hurt anything. Presently I'm enjoying the fact that I am young and I can scurry along on my happy way, no arthritis or shortness of breath slowing me down. I can eat a cookie or two without having to stab my flesh and provide insulin (though I do consistently get a pang of guilt whenever there's a cookie in the same room as me). I can make plans to go to Burning Man this year and just be free. Presently, despite my graying hair and forming wrinkles, I'm enjoying being young with the world as my oyster. And I love eating oysters, too. I'm enjoying farting loudly in front of loved ones, being totally inappropriately loud and obnoxious, eating with my hands, playing video games...

And presently I can't help but fear that a career in medicine will completely RUIN all of that. The promise to me is that I will try my darndest to not let that happen.

HA see what just happened there? The sneaky fretful future thoughts just joined the party. Uninvited!

I guess one more thing to say is that though I counted my blessings in the previous paragraphs, I UNFORTUNATELY often forget how lucky I am and fall into a pattern of complaining and whining, moaning and groaning. Speaking of which- I've got some stupid tobacco assignment to do now, so that's all for today.