SINFULLY DELIGHTFUL DELIGHT OF THE DAY:

Delicious!

Before revving up the engines for a full day of studying, I went to the market near my house just to get some lemons. This place is called "Marvelous Market" and it's a really expensive gourmet tiny little marketplace. They have some fruits, lots of bakery stuff and brownies and good bread, as well as tiny little overpriced meals (4 spoonfuls of chicken salad: $5.79). I just needed some lemons or limes, to use on the avocados that are waiting to be eaten. But of course, temptation in the form of mille feuilles presented itself. Not just any mille feuilles, but my favorite: The Napoleon (picture). So sexy.

Mille Feuilles is bascially a pastry with thin sheets of filo dough and layers of custard or cream or something else, then a glaze on top (or powdered sugar). The Napoleon is the one with black and white stripes on top.

"Mille feuilles," means "a thousand leaves" in French. The French may be tight asses, but they sure have some great stuff (kisses, fries, toast. Love em all!)

Speaking of a thousand leaves, during my walk to the market, I saw that more and more leaves are turning yellow and red. It's so firey and awesome! There are leaves all over the ground. The only time we saw so many leaves on the gound in Miami was after a hurricane. : (

Speaking of Hurricanes, the canes play Georgia Tech today. They'd better win and not get into any fights. GO CANES!

Speaking of fights, I'm constantly fighting the urge to slack off, and losing frequently. I've blogged twice today. My tendency to blog is inversely proportional to the time I have left to study.

The REALLY sad part is that what I'm blogging about, isn't even remotely important, deep, or interesting. It's like, "Hey, this is my boring life. Oooh I ate something good. Whoopie!" And then I just go on and on and on, getting on silly tangents (speaking of...) and going on a neverending pointless rant.

Brevity really is not one of my strong points.

Having said that...

In Conclusion, the point of this blog was just to give shout out to the delicious Napoleon that I just inhaled, completely cancelling out the time spent on the treadmill yesterday.

Speaking of treadmills....

just kiddin'.

To bee, or not to bee... irresponsible

I was invited to go out tonight by my pal Jackie. She's in law school @ Catholic U and I'm pretty sure she doesn't have a Histology Exam/Lab Practical on Monday to worry about.

It's a halloween thing and she and all her friends are dressing up and I wanna go! *stomps feet*

I bought a bee costume online. It ended up being a little... er, how you say? Tacky and tasteless. I will have balls for once in my life and just wear it. On Tuesday. Not tonight, cause tonight I'm staying home and studying. Whoop-dee-freaking-doo!

Maybe.

We DO get an extra hour this weekend. Fall back, baby!

An extra hour to look at slides and try to figure out what the difference between connective tissue and nervous tissue is.

If I go out tonight, chances are that my costume will represent the best grade I can hope to get on Monday's exam. Unacceptable!

That settles it. For sure, I'm not going. Yes, I just blogged the decision making process. Why? This program is slowly chipping away at my already worn down sanity.

: (

..........and now for something completely random:
That new "Fergalicious" song, though it has incredibly stupid lyrics and a ripped off beat, is quite catchy. I'm addicted to that song like Fergie was to Crystal Meth. OH!

^how i feel right now.

(scary monster mouth w/ teeth = Histology exam)

"A challenging goal is good for the soul?"

Despite the stress, despite the white hairs sprouting from my head, and despite the insomnia, I can't say I'm unhappy. I am lucky to have something to work for, lucky to be in this crazy program, lucky to be healthy...(yada yada yada)

I'm energized (more than usual) this morning. I actually woke up the first time my alarm rang, at 7:32 am; first time that happens in a while! This success should set the tone for the rest of the day; I'm in a good mood, ready to take on the world, ready to really not worry and just be a good student and not stress.... hopefully : )

Probably by 12 pm I will have forgotten everything I just wrote and be all antsy and stuff... but at least this was a nice break from it.

Signing off,
The Worrisome Woman aka the Nailbiting Nincompoop

El stresso.

I am unable to express how I have been feeling lately in words. Instead, I present to you a schematic drawing of what my life has been like:



As you can see, in the above diagram the subject (little old me) is upside down, the helpless victim of a roller coaster. I'm not talking six-flags roller coaster here. No, no, this is a much less cool roller coaster. At least there wasn't any long line to wait in, though.

I digress.

This is where Mariana has been lately. No she is not depressed. She is high strung and anxious, at the mercy of medical school admissions committees across the country, and at the mercy of this ridiculously ridiculous masters program she got herself into. She is wondering how she began speaking of herself in the third person all of a sudden, and realizes she should just go to sleep, and wake up to yet another loop-de-loop day.

Random thoughts for today:

-Random thought numero uno: Lunges are EVIL. As part of my new workout regime, I do upper body 2-3 times a week, lower body 2-3 times per week, and cardio 2-3 times per week. It's really supposed to be like: Monday, upper body; Tuesday, lower body; Wed, cardio; Thurs, upper body; Fri, lower body; Sat, cardio; and on the Lord's day, rest. I'm not exactly following this, and so I decided to do lower body today. Lower body has proven to be the toughest.

I digress...

Part of the lower body workout is the terrible, disgusting, evil exercise: Lunges. I can't do many leg things at the lovely gym at my apartment complex, because there aren't that many machines. Lunges are, therefore, a crucial exercise, with no possible replacement (you see how sneaky they are??!?!). They are hard. Like, painfully hard. I HATE the fact that I can't do the amount of reps I'm supposed to do. It sucks ass, and it insults my manly pride (yes, I have manly pride). This manly pride also surfaces when I lose at scrabble and Halo.

-random thought #2: I talk so much! This was supposed to be like, a list of short, random thoughts, and the whole lunges thing spun out of control. And that's what I left in there- there was a good paragraph or two that I deleted. Sheesh! I'll try for the next one.

-random thought #3: The leaves are turning red. This is the first time I witness this marvelous event. It's so damn nice. I should take some pictures.

-random thought #4: Lately, the horoscope has been right on the money. I got an online one that includes sun sign (the sign most people know), moon sign, and rising sign. I love astrology. Is that weird? I don't care. Maybe my Leo sun, Libra rising, and Scorpio moon somehow make me not care. Maybe not.

-random thought #5: I'm so happy being happy.

-random thought #6: By far, the one thing I would miss the most if I were vegan: eggs. My goodness. Mercy me. Fried eggs in the morning, sunny side up, the yellow still liquid and runny, sprinkled with all-spice and salt, scooped up with pita bread, with a sexy mug of coffee = perfection.

-random thought #6b: On several occasions, it has been pointed out that I talk about food passionately. After re-reading random thought 6a, I understand.

random thought #6c: speaking of eggs, I just remembered something I read in an email. It said that when a guy gives you the pickup line "So, how do you like your eggs in the morning," a good reply is "Unfertilized." (tee-hee!)

Speaking of morning, it's 12 am and I should be dreaming already!

one more random thought:

-random thought #7: Lunges are the enemy. I thought I was tough, but I see that I am putty, at the mercy of this silly genuflecting exercise. DAMN YOU LUNGES! DAMN YOU! The lunges must be defeated!

Ok, that's it.

Sleeping Beauty, that lucky bitch. (No, not because of the dumb prince).
Insomnia

This is ridiculous. I drank some wine last night in hopes of falling asleep more quickly (and just cause I have a huge bottle and I felt like drinking). Yeah. I fell asleep at around 2 am, woke up a billion times between then and now (6:00 am). I can't get back to sleep. What is going on here??? I didn't drink more coffee than usual yesterday. I did, however, sleep till 1:45 pm. Maybe that's it.

I have been losing a battle with insomnia at least once or twice a week ever since moving to lovely DC. Maybe, my bed is not firm enough. Maybe, I'm at my nervousest state ever. Is nervousest a word? Highly unlikely, but I enjoy butchering the language.

When I was in undergrad, I always got home after midnight, even on days when I had class at 8 am the next day (and a one hour commute to school). My father, a health nut for whom sleep is the most sacred thing in the world, absolutely hated this. He constantly reminded me that not getting enoug sleep has been linked to weight gain, along with a bunch of other crappy things. His favorite cheesy dad line for this issue was/is "there is no waking up beauty." This is supposed to be funny. An allusion to "Sleeping Beauty," if you will. His lameness is funny sometimes, but this particulat phrase has always irritated me, beacuse it doesn't make much sense. Maybe if he said that there's no "sleepless beauty." At any rate, he'll keep saying it even if I offer a better alternative.

I feel like crapola. : (

Maybe I'll hit up the gym. Class isn't till 10. I just began a new workout plan (it's not Kanye's workout plan, though). Boy, are my legs/arms/chest/back/glutes sore as hell! Maybe that's why I can't sleep!

Whatever the cause, I would like a one way ticket out of somnia, cause I'm tired of being in it.
Woah there. That was bad. Lame city. I'm worse than my dad. I'm gonna leave it in here, as a testament to HOW BADLY I NEED MORE SLEEP.

Yada yada yada, I have nothing interesting at all to say (in case you didn't notice from the pointless banter above).

I am extra worthless when I haven't gotten enough sleep. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Top 10 Alcoholic Drinks (in no particular order, except number 1)

Below: vodka of choice

(when I don't have to pay, of course).

1) Dirty, dirty martini. I mean nasty. my number one absolute favorite drink ever.

2) Red red wine (it makes me feel so fine). Other wine is good too.

3) Good beer. ie, Newcastle Brown Ale, Yuengling, Sam Adams Hefewiezen (it's great!), Guiness, Presidente. None of that Amstel Light shit (I'll drink it if that's all there is, though)

4) Whiskey/Scotch. Straight up, on the rocks. Maybe some water or something.

5) Shots of Yager

6) Shots of Tequila

7) Shots of SoCo (w/ lime it's good too)

8) stuff that's lit on fire (fun!)

9) intense shots (ie liquid cocaine, surfer on acid).

10) Vodka-tonics (cheap and simple)

I'm not big on fruity or sweet mixed drinks, but I'll take 'em if that's all there is.

I have no inspiration to blog about my mundane life or my thoughts/opinions. This list is the extent of my efforts.

Onward to a new week of classes and fretting about medical school. *sigh*

drunk. tired. alone. sleepy.

it's damn late. need to sleep.

goodnight, world. thanks for all you've given me.

<---The Washington Monument (one location where slacking took place); camera has "night" setting, which, more often than not, makes pics come out blurry = (


EXAM TODAY... Surprise suprise, I have an exam today. Did I study? Of course I did. Am I freaking out a little? Of course I am. I had a long weekend to study...Friday off, Monday off. But do you think I studied? NO! I don't care, it was an awesome weekend. The very special mister Aldo came to visit. We did touristy stuff, we went to a bar/club, we wined and dined. It was like a mini-vacation for me.
And I'll pay for it today. I know my shit. I think. Who cares, it'll be over soon enough...................... Moving on, I leave you with a quote I read in an away message: "Some days you're the windshield, some days you're the bug." Deep. I like.

Things
are
piling
up
.
I
have
a
lot
of
stuff
to
do!

And.... I have a stupid cold!

Hello world.

It's 9 am. Daddy's gonna drop my happy ass off at school and then they're gone. It's been fun, and I'm gonna miss them!

Unfortunately, I have a nasty cold, with complimentary sinus pressure and pain. I've got one of those long days of class ahead of me, and then some extra-cirricular stuff. What's super duper exciting is: I GET TO SEE CADAVERS TODAY!!!!

All first year medical students dissect cadavers for gross anatomy, and some of the med school students who did my program last year decided to give us a tour. I'm so excited, because I know this will give me a better sneak-peak into med school.

Well, time to drug myself with sinus meds and get ready for class.

MAJOR insomnia leading to my thoughts on an angry God.

There's no hope that I'm falling asleep anytime soon.

So... The parental unit is visiting as well as a partial sibling unit. They got here last night. It's been... interesting. Besides the expected criticism of the messiness/uncleanliness, there were other annoying things that I knew were bound to happen.

The expected cleaning and organizing rampage took place. My mother started at 7:30 am this morning. Since I have given my parents my bedroom, I was situated on the sofa, in dream land, when the ear shattering sound of the coffee grinder being pressed on repeatedly gave me no choice but to wake up. 7:30 am. I don't even wake up that early for class. My mother is not used to using a coffee grinder, so she thought she needed to press the damn button, oh, I don't know, about 35 times in order to grind the coffee. 7:30 am!!! RIDICULOUS!

The rest of the day was Extreme Makeover- Apartment Edition. I was just fine with things the way they were but the control freak mom couldn't help herself. I must say, she has a magic touch. Everything's so neat and organized!

We went to the supermarket and I stocked up on tons of stuff. We had lunch and wine, and all of us passed out (which is probably why I can't sleep right now).

At night, they left me alone for a while to go see the city and walk around or something like that. I stayed behind to catch up on some reading and because, quite frankly, I'm not used to having 3 extra people in here. I got used to my lonely life all alone and lonely, you know? Being in a one bedroom apartment with your parents and little brother, no matter how much you missed them, can be quite nerve-wracking.

And now it's 3 am. I wouldn't mind being up at this time if it weren't for the fact that I am expected to wake up and go to church tomorrow. I actually want to go, believe it or not. Despite my not-so-great thoughts on Catholicism and the church, I think it's good to spend time being spiritual. Also, this happens to be a Maronite Church (Lebanese), which means there'll be coffee and snacks and mingling with Lebanese people, which keeps me in touch with my roots and gives me people to identify with. Furthermore, I am sure we will go out to lunch. Yes, I realize I should just stick with looking righteous and say "I'm going to church tomorrow" without explaining my motives, but I'm not a faker. I want to meet people and I want to eat. There. I said it. But I meant the thing about being spiritual... Really.

I may sound like a terrible person, a terrible Christian, but I'm not worried. First of all, the only way in which I can say I'm Christian is because I do follow the teachings of Jesus Christ. Besides that, not so much. I neither deserve nor desire the title. If there is a God as the Christians see Him, I know He's not gonna be mad at me for being this way. Fearing God is not my style. I don't think he's a punisher or that He even can be. I don't think there's a final judgement. I don't believe in heaven and hell. I don't have an explanation for who made us and why are we here, but I sure as heck don't like many of the ones that are available. Maybe it's beyond the scope of our understanding, and we should just live. Enjoy life. If there is a creator, a God, do you think he wanted us to sit around and lament our sins, live in endless guilt? No-sir-ee bob. I am not a hedonistic self centered person. I believe in good and bad/evil. But I don't believe in suffering for sins. I admire the man who sinned once and learned from it more than the man who lives in sin and guilt for his sins. More important than acknowledging a sin and regretting it is learning from a sin and understanding why it is a sin.

Hypothetical situation: If the Bible says whacking off is a sin (I don't know for sure if it does, but I'd say probably). You're a dude, and you wake up with enough wood to build a log cabin. You ain't no pimp so you aren't really getting laid left and right. So you whack it (naughty boy!) You're a sinner! So do you honestly think it's better to feel guilty after you do it everytime than to just accept that the Bible is just a book written by PEOPLE? I mean, science says it's good to jerk it (prevents prostate cancer), and getting erections in public can be quite embarassing (so I've heard). So poor dude, he whacks off, it feels great, but he's gotta sit around hating himself, feeling like a bad person. Unworthy of God. Have you ever felt guilty? Do you know what GUILT can do to a person? It sucks. It's a crappy feeling.

Ok, I kinda went off there. I lost my point. Oh, ok...I think God wants boys to whack off.

Just kidding.

Maybe a better example is needed. I'm too tired to think of a better one.

I guess the point is, next time you do something bad, next time you "sin," instead of feeling guilty, just try to understand why you did what you did. Knowing is half the battle. The rest of the battle, the harder part, is to not do it again. Guilt is a waste of time, it is negative, it only makes things worse. I think maybe people invented the idea of Heaven and Hell cause they thought that fear tactics would be a good way to get people to comply. That's how this country works too, isn't it?

ANYWAY, back to God:

I really think God wants people to be happy, as long as their pursuit of happiness does not involve hurting others directly. My old pal, Bertrand Russell says:

"The good life, as I conceive it, is a happy life. I do not mean that if you are good you will be happy - I mean that if you are happy you will be good."

I've put this quote in another post. I like it. I believe it.

I need to try to sleep again. I know I'll come back to this post tomorrow and find that it barely makes sense, but for now I'll just throw it out there. I am not trying to criticize any belief system or anyone. I am just stating my point of view.

Before I go:

God is super happy. He is happiness itself. Do you think someone so happy could be an angry, punishing entity? I don't think so. I think if there's a specific being that is "God," he/she/it sits back and watches the show.

But there is an issue that comes up for me. I find a conflict in believing that there is a God and that he's happy all the time. I cannot deny that there are inexplicable things that happen, (ie coincidences, destiny, and more). You can't help but feel that you have a "guardian angel" or that "God is watching over you" sometimes. So, if I believe in that stuff then I can't really believe in a "sits back and watches the show" kind of God, because then how would I explain the bad stuff that happens without admitting that he may be angry? (do I make sense at all right now?) The point of this point is that I can't really believe in a "God" that is a single being; I can't believe in an anthropomorphic God, who judges, makes decisions, and "sees" things. My idea of God is more like, a life force, or something way too abstract for our little human minds to even begin to comprehend. This is not a Mariana original belief, I've read about stuff like this before but I can't give it the appropriate title. I like it without a title.

But, for all of those who believe in One God, the Father, the Almighty, maker of heaven and Earth, of all that is seen and unseen.... just know, he's happy. He's not mad atcha! He wants you to learn, never stop learning. He wants you to be happy. What makes me the authority on this? The same thing that makes the Church the authority on how you should live: someone's damn opinion!

Ok, now I'm really going to bed.