Chronicles of not much at all, really

2010-03-17T23:12:00.005-04:00

Aspiration...

I think to most people, the term "aspiration" generally has positive connotations.

It means ambition. The desire to accomplish something great.

But in a hospital, the word "aspiration" brings to chills to everyone's spine.

If someone might have aspiration we do all kinds of stuff to stop it.

We might shove a tube down their trachea and have a machine breathe for them if we think there's a risk of aspiration.

And if a kid comes in with aspiration... it's truly an ordeal!

Cause, in layman's terms, aspiration means you done breathed some vomit or somethin' into yo lungs that don't belong there. Those were layman's terms, North Florida style.

Working at hospitals has destroyed the word "aspiration" for me, and it has coincidentally taken a toll on my aspirations in medicine in ways too convoluted to describe at this moment.

Some days, I feel that if choosing a career was like picking something from a menu at a restaurant, I'd send this dish back and ask for something more tasty. I'd also make sure that my new order would actually be worth the price. Or maybe, I'd just get up and leave and never come back to the restaurant.

Damn I'm hungry now.

2010-03-02T18:08:00.004-05:00

Mmhmm... I'm back.

Parin has inspired me to bloggity blog. Also I'm on Pediatrics, which is far less intense than surgery. Also, it's almost time to choose a specialty, which means all them issues come to the surface...

Like, why medicine? What should I do with my life? Where should I go? Should I follow him to NYC? (I know the answer to that one at least)... Do I really want to spend 80 hours a week at the hospital?

But I don't want to talk about that right now, because none of that is happening right now. And I promised myself to stay present. None of that past-dwelling or future fretting ever really helped me much.

So presently, I am a 26 year old girl. Correction, woman. At this point, I've got at least 20 white hairs sprouting from my head. And even if I didn't, I think I'm a woman now. So, I am a 26 year old woman who is learning about how to take care of people- healthy and not so healthy. A 26 year old woman who is learning about how hospitals work and how operations are undertaken; how antibiotics are given and how wounds are cared for. I'm working hard and waking up WAY earlier than I ever thought I wanted to wake up. I'm allowing myself to vent some complaints (sometimes a LOT of complaints) but I am getting better at remembering to be grateful for the amazing opportunity and privilege medical school really is. Presently I'm enjoying being in love with a wonderful person who complements me and compliments me and holds my hand when I need it but not tight enough to hurt anything. Presently I'm enjoying the fact that I am young and I can scurry along on my happy way, no arthritis or shortness of breath slowing me down. I can eat a cookie or two without having to stab my flesh and provide insulin (though I do consistently get a pang of guilt whenever there's a cookie in the same room as me). I can make plans to go to Burning Man this year and just be free. Presently, despite my graying hair and forming wrinkles, I'm enjoying being young with the world as my oyster. And I love eating oysters, too. I'm enjoying farting loudly in front of loved ones, being totally inappropriately loud and obnoxious, eating with my hands, playing video games...

And presently I can't help but fear that a career in medicine will completely RUIN all of that. The promise to me is that I will try my darndest to not let that happen.

HA see what just happened there? The sneaky fretful future thoughts just joined the party. Uninvited!

I guess one more thing to say is that though I counted my blessings in the previous paragraphs, I UNFORTUNATELY often forget how lucky I am and fall into a pattern of complaining and whining, moaning and groaning. Speaking of which- I've got some stupid tobacco assignment to do now, so that's all for today.

2009-08-01T09:55:00.003-04:00

What third year is all about.

During the third year of medical school, the med student is a rare form of human being.

"You are here to learn" they tell you. What they don't tell you is that you are here to help out, but don't get in the way and don't be too overzealous. You are here to report your findings but no one will actually listen to you, they will only wonder why your presentation isn't exactly how they like it (and everyone likes it differently). They will quiz you on the stuff you learned in the first two years, and when this happens, a couple of things become clear: 1- you know more than the residents, 2- you are being judged for every stupid answer you give. They ask you questions, but you're not supposed to always answer them, because then you're a know it all. But if you don't answer the questions, you are not a competent medical student. You have to be professional, be on time, and be okay with standing around with no clear directions on what you're supposed to be doing. You have to meet the expectations of all of the different attendings in each of the different specialties- some will let you do everything and others make you follow them around and never leave you alone with the patient. Some want you to present the patient to them as a whole, and others just want to know about the patient's particular disease, right now, today, and everything else is extra information that the idiotic med student is giving and wasting everyone's time with. Some of them want you to go and do all sorts of irrelevant physical exams "just for pratice," regardless of the degree of distress the patient is in. Some patients know this, and they've already had 2 other people come in and do their physical exam, so they refuse to let you touch them. And then when you go back and say what happened, it's your ass. Why? Because "this is a teaching hospital and patients know that." It doesn't matter that the woman in room 4 is depressed and alone and scared. Go make her touch her nose and your finger and ask her to repeat 3 words back to you and make her walk on her tip toes and listen to her bowel sounds and poke her all over.

On the other hand and on a brighter note, the third year med student gets to sit in the room with a patient for an hour or more. No one is relying on the third year med student to write any orders or actually take care of anyone. It is a chance to connect in a way that no one else on the team can. The third year medical student is learning every day. Learning and integrating the past two years of hard work. Seeing why we needed to learn every cross section of the brainstem and the names of all of the major drugs and drug classes and the reasons why certain diseases do what they do.

The learning goes beyong academics, though. You also learn, through first-hand observation, what kind of physician you want to be, and what you don't want to be. I have seen some truly insensitive, awful physicians and residents. The things that scares me the most is those physicians who have forgotten to look at people in the eyes. Or maybe they never did. The ones who have forgotten that each patient is a person, not a disease. The ones break awful news, such as "you tested positive for HIV" without asking the patient if it's okay to say that in front of a family member who is in the room. Without asking the patient if it's okay that 2 med students and 3 residents are also in the room. Without any concern for the fact that on the other side of a thin curtain, there is another patient in the room. Without going through anything that looks remotely similar the breaking bad news protocol, SPIKES, that we learned in our second year of med school. I can't remember what SPIKES stands for (ok, shame on me), but essentially, you prepare the patient to hear the bad news, you ask them what they know about the disease, you ask if they're ready to hear it. You show a shred of human emotion and look them in the eyes when you tell them.

I understand that for the sake of efficiency and in order to be fair to other patients, physicians can seem a bit cold and impersonal. But just because I understand it doesn't mean I will accept it.

I look forward to meeting more and more physicians who are not monsters, who are not jaded, who are not cold and impersonal. I have already met a few role models, and I am excited to meet a few more. Even the non-role models are good to have. They serve as reminders of what NOT to become.

2009-07-23T22:50:00.002-04:00

Geri geri bo berry banana fana fo ferry me my mo merry... geri

-atrics... is over!

My four day rendezvous with this specialty is over (for now). I love the patients, but the doctor I was with the most didn't let me do ANYTHING. NOTHING! Poo! I think I listened to a couple of hearts but that's about it. Either way, I still learned a lot from him.

Old people are pretty cool to work with. So sweet and old and tired and wrinkly, some so close to death, they're all so full of... LIFE. They've been around for a while, they've reproduced and their progeny has reproduced and, in some cases, that spawn of their spawn has reproduced. It's crazy. I love listening to their crazy stories. Especially the old guys at the VA hospital.

As I leave this rotation, I think about the possibility of being a Geriatrician. The problems are complex, and some patients are so difficult to deal with, particularly any patients with dementia or Alzheimer's disease. The career involves dealing with death and dying, as well as working with the patient's family members- which can be quite challenging. It seems like a career with a lot of sad cases, and I do cry a lot, but... I kind of like that intensity. I imagine I might stop being a big baby if I dealt with the stuff on a daily basis.

Speaking of sad, today I watched a woman score a 3 or 4 (out of 30) on the MMSE- Mini Mental Status Exam. A score below 20 means severe impairment. The test includes all kinds of simple questions that assess attention span, thinking, memory, language, and something else that I can't remember right now (maybe I need to take an MMSE). She didn't know the day of the week or where she was, she could only repeat 2 of 3 words, then she could only recall 1 of those words when prompted later. It was remarkable. She seemed like a regular sweet old lady when we walked in the room, but her brother told us about her memory issues and with a simple test that we learned in our first year of medical school, it became painfully clear that this woman was suffering from Alzheimer's diseae and that that she was on her way to progressive decline. It was so sad. It was also quite touching to see that her brother was with her, taking care of her, making sure she ate properly and didn't hurt herself.

This rotation has, above everything, shown me the value of family and the harsh reality that is lonliness in old age. I think for good measure, I'll make sure to have at least 5 or 6 children, in the hopes that one of them will take care of me when I'm old and gray (just in case my siblings fall through).

Next up, 3 weeks of Neurology in beautiful Jacksonville. And by "beautiful" I mean "potentially beautiful but I don't actually know because I hide at the dorms for fear of my life." No, seriously, you hear gunshots right next to the hospital. Miami feels like a warm safe nest compared to this place!

2009-07-22T20:33:00.002-04:00

Career assessment, Part 4,567

Today I got to do wound care at the VA hospital. Man oh man!

The first case was a nasty leg wound... and the guy was in excruciating pain. I had to leave the room for fear of falling on my face. My face was hot and I was dizzy as all hell. The smell... the oozing pus... blegh. About 5 minutes after I was brave enough to come back, the nurse made me use a culture swab... right on there. On that oozing nastiness. But somehow I made it through that time. I think seeing him suffer was what did me in the first time, and by the time I had returned he had calmed down a bit. Perhaps I was able to do it without feeling queasy because I was focusing on the fact that this nurse was undeniably terrible person for making me do this knowing that I had left earlier because I was not feeling well. I'm glad I did it, because I had felt bad for the patient after I left. I mean, imagine, you go to the clinic to have your awful, debilitating wounds cleaned out and you're in terrible pain, and the girly med student has to excuse herself because she is so disgusted, meanwhile YOU are the one who's suffering! Poor guy!

So, of course, like clockwork, what happened??? That huge, neon, flashing sign showed up in the back of my mind:

wrong career - wrong career - wrong career

I hate that sign. It seems to shine brighter at times like these, when I feel like a total whimp-o.

But hey, at least I'm a student and on loans and no one's expecting me to get a job right now. I'm unemployed and that's okay! Plus when I do finish, I'll have job security. Soooo... even if it's the wrong career, at least it's not one that was a total waste of time to pursue (I hope).

Regardless, this woozy whimpy girl shit has got to stop! *snaps fingers and swivels neck*

I'm supposed to be this strong, intelligent woman who will take care of people one day. Instead, I'm like "eeeewwww pus! OMG It smellllls." I swaer, by the beard of Zeus, next time I'm staying in the room. And if I faint, I faint. But I'll make sure to stand next to someone who looks soft to fall on, like a chubby person. Or maybe I'll sit down or something and allow myself to just pass out in the chair, then maybe no one will notice. And I'll be cured!

2009-07-21T23:29:00.002-04:00

Geriatrics?

I was toying with the idea of Geriatrics as a career (it's on a long list)... but today might really affect that decision.

Today I went to a nursing home/geriatrics medical center. The lobby was tastefully decorated in warm colors and mahogany. It looked like it belonged to a cozy bed and breakfast. There was even a nice small fountain, and I said to myself "that's a nice fountain" and proceeded cluelessly...

I kept walking and the warm cozy happy lobby turns into a strange, sad, place that engages all five senses and then some. The sight of flaccid withering people, the smell of urine, the sounds of suffering and nurse call bells, and the feeling of wrinkly, pasty skin as I examined people who have lived more than 3 times as long as I have. There was an eerie sensation that death was lurking nearby, and it was impossible to ignore the overwhelming feeling of sadness for those suffering patients and fear of the future of my own family and friends at this stage of their lives.

The nursing home had a neat physical therapy room and I checked out the calendar and spotted some cool activities for the residents to enjoy. I had noticed that all of the patients had nice maniures, and discovered later that it was on the calendar as well. That was cute. All in all, I'm sure it's a great place for the elderly compared to some other nursing homes, but in the end, it's still a nursing home.

The patients that made me the most sad were the ones with cognitive decline/dementia. They seem lost and empty, just waiting for their bodies to catch up with their brains and expire.

Death itself is not so bad. It means peace for so many of these people. The physician I am following told me that for many patients, he will not treat an infection or he might withdraw all medications if it means that their suffering will end. Essentially, it is much better to let an elderly suffering person pass away than to keep them alive and pump them full of meds. Keeping someone alive if they're in agony is barbaric, but sadly sometimes mistaken for true medical care. A good physician will do his or her best to reduce suffering, not just prolong life.

In this nursing home, I saw a lot of suffering. And it's not just patient who is suffering, but also their loved ones.

I am grateful for every single person who goes into Geriatrics and takes care of the old folk. It is challenging and delicate, and surely not the most fun job in the world.

2009-07-20T17:01:00.003-04:00

Quotables....

"You're dating a Jew? I don't really like them Jews" - A patient, to me
"See, we doctors, we're not people people. We're science people." -A robot disguised as an attending physician.

Ok, yeah, the second quote was actually a physician that I worked with recently. Doctors ARE people people. Or they should be, at least.

He made that comment at the beginning of my 2 hours following him around. I tried to put it aside and just observe his style. Mechanical, efficient, quick. The patients love him. He is overly excited when they do stuff right and applauds them loudly, yelling things like "beautiful!" and "magnificent!" whenever blood glucose measurements are good and hypertension's under control. It's like he's the Emeril of medicine. "So, is this dude a good doctor"... I asked myself. Well, let's see here: patients like him, check. Patients are doing exceptionally well with him, check. He is thorough, check. He dictates his notes IN THE ROOM just after patient interview, which seems so weird to me, but actually probably reduces medical error. His awkwardness is trumped by all that other good stuff. Hooray! He's a good doctor. But he's not a people person.

That's so weird to me. Maybe he's learned to be a people person, and he doesn't realize it yet.

2009-07-14T13:04:00.003-04:00

Third year funny moment of the day:

A patient started going off on how she can't stand this guy she dated because he's a democrat. She went on and on about how anyone who voted for Obama is a total idiot blah blah blah and she hoped that I didn't vote for Obama cause I'm gonna be sorry.

See, wuh had happuned wuz, I did vote for Obama.

Hooray for awkward moments.

2009-07-13T21:20:00.004-04:00

Day 3 of third year:

New attending, longer day, very nice!

Saw less patients today but did more stuff. I'm getting less shaky when I do the physical exam, but I still have no clue what I'm looking at in the fundoscopic exam. Slowly, third year is growing on me.

Today we diagnosed a woman with depression and I watched as my attending convinced her to take medication. She was not pushy, but she was persistent and took the extra time to explain depression to the patient and the implications of taking medication. It was very inspiring to see the respect and admiration that the patients have for this particular physician. She is a mother of three, which gives me hope that I can be a good doctor, have a life, have a family, and still look like a woman after all that (she looks great!)

So today was a good day, and not once did I bemoan the idea of med school or dread the upcoming fiery hoops that I must jump through. I believe this is acceptance, and possibly even embracement (SO not a word) of the path ahead of me.

But, I've gotta wonder... is it too early to begin counting down till fourth year???

2009-07-12T12:16:00.003-04:00

Third year commences...

"Well well well, missy, isn't this exactly why you came to med school? To work with patients? To talk to people? This is exactly why you abandoned the idea of a career in basic science research. You idealized it but never felt quite right sitting in the lab all day and entering intimate personal data about islet cell transplant patients, because you wanted to KNOW those patients, not just their data." That's what the person inside of me is saying. But I'm still not excited yet. And yes, the person inside of me calls me "missy." She's pretty condescending if you ask me.

To be fair, during my first two days of official real life third year rotations, I saw some really cool stuff, and got to do what I love in this whole realm of medicine- talk to patients about health. I saw mycosis fungoides, gout (and diagnosed it, too!), an incredible rash, a girl with extreme pelvic pain not yet diagnosed, and of course, the "bread and butter" of primary outpatient care: hypertension and diabetes. Ironic, bread and butter might not be the best diet for these patients. But I digress... I got to do a pelvic exam, my hands still not quite graceful with a speculum as I'd like them to be, but with the observation that with every patient I'm getting better. I got to sit with a patient diagnosed with "pre-diabetes" and explain to her the importance of weight reduction and the different diet alterations she could make. I told her to google information on diabetes and what kind of foods are right for her, because we all know that the human attention span is limited, and anything I told her then and there would likely not stick. That's what pamphlets are for. I'm particularly excited by this case, because I love the idea of patient empowerment and education. Physicians and we as future physicians cannot simply ask everyone to change and expect it to happen just because we wear white coats. They must *want* to change. And while I would love to function as a physician, nutritionist, life coach, and psychologist, I have learned the perils of spreading oneself too thin. So I hope to "teach a man to fish" and allow the patient to take control, because 20 minutes per patient is not enough.

While I have been enjoying myself in every single patient encounter since I started med school, a part of me feels hopelessly lost when it comes to actually choosing a career in medicine. Forget figuring out which specialty I like, I don't envision myself as a physician, period. It makes it harder to deal with the bullshit when you think you're not in the right career. However, I'm open to all possibilities. I may find a specialty that I fall in love with this year (dear God please). I am keeping an open mind and open heart.

The other part of me that's not excited is the part of me that is jumping through hoops. There are grades and there are requirements and most other rotations leave you with little energy and time, as evidenced by the misery of my classmates. There is Match day, where you make a list and schools make a list and a computer program makes ONE decision and that's where you're going for the next 3-5 years no questions asked. Then residency where your first year HAS to be hell for most specialties because that's how it is. And while the past is behind us, I will never forget second year and studying for the Step 1 exam. I have an aversion to this system of education for future physicians. Why must it be this way? "This is the way it's been for years now" is not a sufficient explanation, in my humble opinion, because communication and access to information has NOT been this way for years. Changes in these realms should allow for a different style of curriculum, a more practical way of delivering the knowledge and skills needed to become a competent physician. But what do I know? This might be necessary. I just don't like it. Blah.

I suppose the hoops and loops and bullshit is also bothering me of late because I have been subjected to being separated from my dear boyfriend. Call me weak, but it SUCKS to do long distance. Period. Web cam helps. I would easily fly up there as much as possible, but hey, guess who's on a student salary of NEGATIVE forty thousand bucks a year? I am! And if I were a rich girl, then the next barrier to boyfriendland is schedule. His first year intern schedule SUCKS and my third year med school student SUCKS. So yeah, I should just SUCK it up. I'm working on that.

My complain-o-meter has now overheated. I should end with some positives: I have met some amazing friends in med school. I have learned so much and continue to learn every day. I am fortunate enough to be pursuing a career whose main goal is to take care of people. I am surrounded by love and have wonderful people in my life. And, even though he's far, I'm lucky to be in a good relationship with solid communication and a wonderful, mutual sense of adventure. I will graduate with job security (hey, in this economy, ya gotta think about that). And, even if I went through all of this, and decided it was the wrong career, I can still pursue my other goals in health care (that's a whole other blog entry, honey!)

2009-06-07T10:23:00.003-04:00

During my re-entry into the blog world, I realize I wrote a LOT about med school during the first year, and never wrote one thing second year. That's *good* because it sucked.

So here's second year in a nutshell:

You're in class from 8-5 pm on many days.
You are supposed to study every single day (which, of course, I didn't do)
Your extra-curricular activities begin to feel like chores instead of fun stuff.
You being to rot from the inside and out.
You begin to question your decision about med school more frequently and with more "umph"
You tell first year med students that they shouldn't complain, because second year is 4 billion times worse.... (then you go back and read your old blog entries from first year and realize that you complained like crazy).

All joking aside, the second year was pretty awful. I have never seen so many people become depressed, struggle with anxiety and sleep, etc. I mean, we're not at WAR here, we're supposed to be learning. Why should it be torture?

And the crazy thing is, I was one of the people who was able to maintain *some* balance. I didn't care about grades enough to study all the time. I worked out regularly, cooked regularly, spent quality time with those I care about, and traveled (California, scattered locations throughout Florida, Morocco, Dominican Republic). And despite all that wonderfulness in my life, I was still absolutely miserable at times.

Seeing the toll that med school took on my classmates and myself makes me wonder what they're doing wrong. I am not just a negative bitch. There is something inherently wrong with this system.

2009-06-07T00:26:00.002-04:00

Daily reflection... an attempt at a concise blog entry.

A toast:
To great communication between two people who have decided to spend a lot of time together.

A grievance:
About people who go to the library and are obnoxiously loud while you're trying to study for the most important exam of your life.

Some gratitude:
For my attitude, which allows me to convey a million words with just one stare... directed at those loud assholes at aforementioned library.

Honorable mention:
To those friends who let you know it's about time to take a shower.

2009-06-06T18:31:00.003-04:00

When one of my classmates posted a link to his blog on facebook... it brought me back to the good old days of blogging it up. Oh the catharsis.

Perhaps I'll start up again once third year rotations begin (for those non-medically immersed, that means I'll be out of the classroom and in the CLINIC and HOSPITAL and interacting with REAL PATIENTS!)

But, since the last time I blogged until now, the only thoughts I care to write down is HOLY SHIT SECOND YEAR OF MED SCHOOL SUCKS.

And, as I prepare for the USMLE Step 1 exam, I'm realizing what I have (and have not) learned in the past two years. Preparing for this exam is a daily adventure, wherein I spend 8-12 hours a day studying, with some breaks to use the restroom, waste time on facebook, nap, and acknowledge that nagging voice asking me why the hell I came to med school when I damn well know how much I dislike the following: studying, blood & guts, annoying people, and being trapped in a bullshit system where you really have very little control over the next 7-15 years of your life. I do love people, and helping people, and science is kinda neat. And I've met some amazing people in the last 2 years.

Ok back to the grind. *Yay* med school...

*sobs*

2008-07-21T15:47:00.013-04:00

Gambia Pictures, part one: THE JOURNEY

JFK airport: We still smell okay at this point, and we don't want to gouge our eyes out yet. Really, we have no idea what we're in for.

Dakar, Senegal: two flights and a billion hours later, we arrived in Dakar. We stopped at this home to eat and rest for the long bus journey ahead. This is before we were attacked by approximately 400 village children (slight exaggeration).

...after the village kids heard about the 8 Toubabs. It was insane!

Our new Senegalese friends made us dinner! Nonspecific red meat with greasy rice. It was delicious! With full bellies, we boarded the bus and headed toward the border.

Hours later, we had crossed the border, switched buses, and made it to the North bank of the Gambia river. Ferry time! This is our bus (aka "gele gele") on the ferry, with all of our luggage on top.

As if we really needed another test of patience, the bus' front axle broke on the ferry. Add 2 hours to journey.

We arrived at the hotel hours after the gele-gele tragedy.
And were greeted by monkeys!
more pics to come!

2008-07-21T13:58:00.002-04:00

I'm back in the U S and A!

The journey back was long and tiring, starting with an extremely frightening plane ride from Banjul to Dakar at 6 pm Gambia time (2 pm Florida time) on Wednesday. The plane was small but clean and modern looking. I'm sure there are scarier planes out there, but relatively speaking, this was the scariest plane I've ever been in. 30 minutes later we were in Dakar, Senegal.

The rest of the trip:
Dakar to Brussels: 6 hour flight
Brussels airport for 6 hours
Brussels to New York: 7 hour flight (I think)
JFK airport: NINE AND A HALF HOURS!

Our flight to Miami was delayed. So close, yet so far! It was frustrating. Our patience worn thin, we ran out of things to do, card games to play. We did some yoga at the gate (we looked psychotic).

We finally got to Miami International Airport at about 1 am or so. 36 glorious hours of traveling. The rest of the group had it worse, however, since they still had to drive to their homes in Tampa, Sarasota, and Orlando afterward. Sheesh!

And now it's time to enjoy air conditioning, warm water, fresh vegetables. It's time to enjoy not being the only white people around. It's time to miss the pungent odor of Gambian armpits, and the aroma of fly-covered-fish in the marketplace.

Despite the nasty stuff, It was an amazing experience, and I do plan on revisiting the Gambia sometime in the future. In my future visit, however, I can count on this past experience there to guide me. I now know that I can trade old t-shirts and crappy watches for paintings and carvings at the marketplace. I know now that based on the color of my skin, I will get charged prices that are up to 15 times the actual amount. I now know that the only way to travel is via bush taxi, but that I should anticipate a very hot journey that will take about 4 times as long as it should, and that I will likely encounter something stinky everywhere I go.

Other valuable nuggets of knowledge:

-The Gambians believe that fish are part of the food group "vegetables." The vegetarian in the group learned this the hard way when, even though he had been told the dish he was about to eat was "vegetarian," he found pieces of fish and a nice fish bone in his okra.

-Medicine is highly valued, even when they don't know what it does. A man at the craft market nearly gave me his left leg for the container of tums I had in my bag. I got a nice painting instead.

-Gambian children often assume that white people poo money out. On more than one occasion, I was approached by a little snot monster who exclaimed "Toubab, give me five dalasi!" Translation: White person, give me 25 cents. At first it was kind of cute, but quickly became annoying.

-The Gambians are a reasonably happy group of people, and violence doesn't seem to really be an issue there. Nice!

-Gambians LOVE the United States. They are obsessed with American clothing, Barak Obama, and Fifty Cent (do they call him 10 Dalasi? Bad joke!)

That's all I can think of for now.

2008-07-12T12:03:00.002-04:00

My time here is coming to an end...

And by "here" I mean both the internet cafe and Gambia.

We have stopped working and are now just being tourists, and it's been fantastic.

We will leave on Wednesday, July 16.

I will miss this place, I will miss the people, I will miss our beautiful hotel. I will miss actually being able to do medical stuff (back to the classroom and library... poo).

I am, however, ready to go home and process what I have learned, medically, culturally, and spiritually.

I bought a lot of nice artwork to hang up in my room and future new apartment, and it will help me remember the amazing time I had here.

2008-07-05T15:39:00.002-04:00

A business that would fail in the Gambia:

A titty-bar.

Women pull those things out at the first notion of a baby whimpering. They are just everywhere. And BOY do I appreciate bras now.

2008-07-05T15:29:00.002-04:00

The fourth of July- in Gambia

Friday was the 4th of July, and it was coincidentally a day that really made me appreciate our country. I spent the day in the maternity ward at one of the bigger clinics, Birkama.

The maternity ward was, to say the least, disgusting. Dirty floors, blood everywhere. Women bring their own sheets to give birth on top of. Often times, they defecate as a result of pushing (this happens everywhere, but is dealt with in a much more sanitary way in developed nations). They also bring the blanket to take their child home in. With no mention of sterility or sanitation, the baby is born, wrapped in a blanket, weighed, then placed in a little basin next to mommy. Was this little basin cleaned out before? Probably not.

I guess it's been done this way for years, and, based on the amount of children running around, it's been working out just fine. It just shocks the spoiled American medical student to see this.

Besides the uncleanliness, one of the cases we saw also turned our stomachs. it was a very sad case I would rather not write about, but it was possibly the most sobering thing I've seen here thus far.

On a brighter note, I saw the births of two baby boys. It was really exciting and cool. First two live births I've ever seen!

For some stark contrast, we saw a private hospital early this afternoon. Beautiful architecture, clean floors, real bathrooms. No air conditioning but still a palace compared to the other places we had seen.

2008-07-03T10:22:00.002-04:00

More Gambia

There is so much to say about this place. I can't really organize it all in my mind while sweating at this internet cafe, so I'll just recount the events of this past week and work on a "Slice of Gambia" entry later.

Saturday we went to the home of a doctor who has been guiding us at the hospital. We ate some spicy okra with fish. The fish here is not delicious. The okra was doused in oil. I enjoyed it in a weird way.

The fish here, is just... so... fishy. But I'll write more on Gambian cuisine later.

After politely gagging our way through the meal, we got to see a show with drummers and people singing loudly (and a little bit obnoxiously), and then some guys in crazy costumes came out and danced and harassed us for money. Pictures to come.

Anyway, at first, we were excited to be seeing some culture. We were told this was some sort of show for children (and there were tons of children around), and we were like "yeah, Gambian culture!" And then, slowly, we all started to notice that attached to his elaborate costume, one of the dancers had some little stuffed animals and toys attached to his crotch area. He started air humping, we were confused, we laughed a lot, got harassed... it's all a blur kind of. But it was funny as hell. And weird.

Sunday we went with our guide, Sana, to his village, where we were expected to bring medicines and cure everyone's ailments. We were dreading this, mainly because we know so little and couldn't bring much meds. Also, the pressure was just insane. When we got there, they all gathered in a circle, thanked us for what we were doing, and played some music. An elderly woman sang to us in Mandinka (one of the tribal languages here), and made a coughing gesture in the middle of her song to indicate to us that she wanted us to cure the ailments. Talk about PRESSURE.

Then we set up three rooms in a compound and the entire village came through. Name, age, complaint? Written down. Blood pressure and glucose levels tested and recorded. Then the translators helped a few of us find out what was wrong. Then we wrote down the name of one of 4 or 5 drugs we had. Then, the patient came to the pharmacy, which was a table under a tree where we had the meds. We rotated and most of us got to experience all parts of this insane assembly line. There were so many people there that we needed someone to act as a bouncer at the door.

So many people just wanted to take advantage of the clinic despite being perfectly healthy. "I had diarrhea 3 months ago." "My knees hurt." It was like "The doctors from America are here, and they're giving stuff away for freeeee!"

This is not real medicine. This is not true healthcare delivery. We all knew it. But we couldn't help but feel good about what we were doing. Some of it was actually legit, but most of it was placebo.

The people were so grateful, and it felt so nice.

Monday I spent in the ER of the hospital looking through records. Nothing remarkable.

Tuesday I went to the smaller clinic and worked on their records. The handwriting here is terrible. It was very labor intensive.

Some of us spent the second half of Tuesday at a primary school. We came to teach the teachers about common illnesses in children, some tips about what to do when a child is sick, and proper hygiene. The children first greeted us with songs and some of them danced. It was heartwarming. Again, everyone was grateful for what we did, and it felt so nice.

The only downfall of that day was that our bus broke down.

About our bus: Known as a "gele-gele here in Gambia, ours was a certified piece of shit. We were paying about $65 a day for the gele gele to take us to where we needed to be and pick us up. When we arrived in Gambia originally, the gele gele picked us up and then its front axle broke on the ferry, creating a 2 hour delay we really didn't need after spending a million hours traveling.

The axle was fixed but the problems didn't stop there. Every time we needed to go somewhere, 4 or 5 of us had to push the giant gele gele in order to get it started. This was supposedly fixed and then on Tuesday the damn thing just gave up on us. True piece of shit. I would describe the actual gele gele but once I can post pictures you will understand what I cannot put into words.

Wednesday I went to the small remote clinic in Kubuneh. It was a slow day but fulfilling, since this is the place we get to do the most stuff (interview and diagnose patients). Since our wonderful gele-gele was broken, 4 of us took "bush taxis" to get there. It took three taxis, some walking, and a lot of waiting to get there. Total time spent: 2 hours each way. The bush taxis take lots of people, it's like a public bus in the US, except no AC, and 90% of the people are not wearing deodorant.

On the plus side, we got to do some shopping at the market and worked on our haggling skills. I got some nice presents.

And today is Thursday, and we got the day off, kind of. No clinics today, but we're working on our paper. Well, we're supposed to be.

On a personal achievement note: this is the first time I've used the internet since Friday, which means I lasted 6 days without visiting an internet cafe. Part of this was willpower, and part of it was circumstance, but either way, it feels kind of nice to be detached from the world I left behind when I came here.

I do miss warm showers and air conditioning. I miss fresh salads. I miss my friends and family.

This is so worth it, though!

I already see myself returning to the Gambia in the future, hopefully with better medical skills and more knowledge. Also, next time I'll bring more clothes to wear, and perhaps some make up. Days upon days of scrubs, ugly shoes, and messy hair = not really my style. I guess that's what my third year of medical school will be like. Also, it has been kind of nice not having to spend extended amounts of time asking myself "What should I wear?"

And on that note, I've exhausted the Gambia update.

2008-06-27T09:16:00.002-04:00

The Gambia Healthcare experience, take one.

This week I was at the Royal Victoria hospital on Wednesday and today (Friday), and at a small clinic in a remote area known as Kubunheh.

The hospital is impressive considering we are in Africa. There are lots of fancy machines and facilities I did not expect. On the other hand, it is still a hospital in Africa. Sterility? Not so much. Air conditioning? Forget it.

On Wednesday I sat in the Emergency Room. Just like in America, there were lots of people waiting. Just like in America, there were people in there that didn't need to be in there. The only cases I saw were: a woman with hypoglycemia, a woman with hyperglycemia, and a highschooler who appeared to be having a panic attack (or was possibly faking it). So, sugar, insulin, and xanax or something like that were the treatments. *Yawn*

Thursday at the small clinic was completely different. First of all, this clinic is in the middle of NOWHERE, right next to expanse of nothing and field of grass; we arrived there via random dirt road. None of the patients spoke any English (many Gambians in the city do). I saw a child with malaria, two children with Yaws (skin infection common in children here), a pregnant woman who had headaches, a child with bad eczema, a man with a gaping arm wound, and a young boy with a large, infected burn on his right leg that he had gotten several days prior (who knows why he didn't come in sooner). I left the clinic nauseous and doubting my choice of career. I assume I contracted several illnesses from working there just one day. Nothing is clean, nothing is really sterile. I know that I'm a spoiled American who has only seen the over-precautious medicine practiced in developed nations, but this was a bit much for me.

The woman who owns the clinic is a retired British nurse who lives in a compound 10 minutes away on foot. We got to see it, and it was incredible. She had about 30 cats, 5 dogs, 3 birds, a monkey (!), a bunch of donkeys and goats, and some ducks and chickens. I mean, it was a zoo. She retired here and loves her life. Truly remarkable!

Today I spent the half day (it's a half day here on Fridays) at the neonatal unit. Tiny babies with tiny hands and little help or hope. We were told that most children born before 32 weeks gestational age do not make it. There is no surfactant, there are no ventilators. The neonatal unit was far from clean (as is everything here).

Must leave, no more time at internet cafe!

2008-06-24T15:26:00.005-04:00

Greetings from The Gambia!

Things are... sweaty! I'm sitting in an air-conditioned internet cafe, however. Air conditioning is rarer here than 8 American medical students + one premed + one faculty advisor.

When we walk through the markets people stare at us, a huge group of people in scrubs, sweating like hell.

Some background:
The group consists of 6 of my classmates and myself, one fourth year medical student, one pre-med, and our faculty advisor. My classmates and I are here for two main things. 1- To conduct research on the emergency care here and try to create and execute a plan to improve it. 2- To bring medical supplies and our clinical skills (which are almost nothing) to a place that is full of people less fortunate than ourselves. We are also going to be doing some arts in medicine work, which involves helping patients, mainly children, feel better by bringing them art supplies and helping to distract them from their pain/boredom. The art supplies, which include origami and lots of crayons, have already proven useful outside of the clinical setting. When we stopped in Senegal to rest, our guide here brought us to a neighborhood where we were swarmed by about 40 children, yelling "Too-bab" (means white person). We origamied our lives away, and they absolutely loved it.

That's it for background. The trip thus far has been incredible in so many ways.

The journey to get here was really long, but served as a good primer for the next 30 days of hanging out with the same people. We all talked a lot, learned about each other, laughed, and slept. The flights were: Miami to New York to Brussels to Dakar (Senegal). I don't remember how many hours that was. Then we had to take a bus from Senegal to The Gambia. First, we stopped at the neighborhood with the 40 children and ate some delicious meat and rice. We were exhausted and stinky. The rest of the journey involved a very bumpy ride from Dakar to the Gambian border, which took a good 7 hours. At the border we did all that official government bullcrap that took another hour. Then about 2 hours from the border to the north part of the river, then a 30 minute ferry, then the axel of our bus broke and was stuck on the ferry and we waited an hour, then another hour to get to the hotel. Needless to say, we were exhausted. And cranky.

The sight of the hotel helped us breathe one big collective sigh of relief. Although far from the Hilton, this place looked pretty decent to us, despite our exhaustion.

We've got one "villa" where 6 people are staying now and one bungalow where the other 4 of us reside; the villa has a kitchen and living room. It's almost like a home back in the US, except there's no microwave, no air conditioning, and drinking water from the sink may very well be the end of you. The bungalow is smaller, like an apartment.

The hotel is *really* nice, though. I guess it's a resort by Gambian standards. Will post pics soon enough. There are beautiful trees and flowers everywhere, and you can see the beach from the roof of the villa. Coolest part of it all: there are MONKEYS everywhere.

Besides the monkeys, this is not what one would expect from Africa. But once you drive for about 10 minutes and leave the tourist area, you see the real Africa. You also SMELL the real Africa.

Speaking of the real Africa, there's no toilet paper anywhere.

So far, besides wandering around looking for food, we've seen one medical center as well as the hospital we will be working at. I'm still unable to put into words the vast difference between these locations and what we are used to back home.

We also walked around some of the markets in some extreme heat, which hindered our ability to appreciate most of the sights.

Everywhere we go, people ask us for money, as though the color of our skin indicates wealth and riches. Once we say we're American, this effect is amplified 10-fold. We're not really "white," though. There are two Indian girls, and Indian guy, one half-Indian/half-Palestinian, two middle Easterns (myself and my future roomate), a Vietnamese guy, and that leaves only 3 real-life whites. What a multicultural group! Either way, white or not, the people can tell we're all not-from-around here, which automatically means we must have money I guess.

The food is delicious but pretty heavy. Lots of rice and meat dishes. I haven't had a fresh veggie in what feels like ages. We've been cooking back at the hotel, but still not crazy enough to toss a fresh garden salad.

For now I must leave the internet cafe, because I only paid for 30 minutes and spent most of the time emailing. Will write again soon.

I'm so grateful to be here.

With love,
A very sweaty, stinky, Mariana

2008-06-17T07:24:00.002-04:00

You know you're really busy when...

There are things on your to do list that you don't even understand anymore.

My to-do list says "email Mike"

Who is Mike, and why should I email him? I know about 2084 guys named Mike.

In other news, and probably the reason my to-do list has been ridiculous lately:

I'm going to Gambia tomorrow!

The Gambia, actually. We will be spending one month there, providing medical services and supplies, and just hanging out with sick, poor people. It's not quite backpacking in Europe, but when else would I get the chance to go to Africa?!

I'm in a state of excitement/fear/nausea. It's great. I would love to say "I'll post pictures while I'm there" or "I'll blog while I'm there" but chances are their local Starbucks doesn't have wireless.

Ok, time to go run around doing last minute things at the last minute.

Smallest country in Africa, here I come.

2008-05-07T23:21:00.004-04:00

I thought I was coming back into the blog world...

I was wrong.

Life is busy lately, and it's very challenging to keep up with everything. Such is life. Such is medical school...

I just want to write one thing down, a piece of advice I received from a good friend. It's simple, and it's kind of Tony Robbins-esque. It sounds so foolishly simple, and kind of cliche, but it works:

Every morning, wake up, and say to yourself, "Today will be a great day!"

It's easy to do it and even easier to forget to do it.

The idea is, when you think negatively about something ie,"This class is terrible", it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm not cognizant enough right now to explain it well, but I promise, it makes sense.

I'm trying to tell myself "this week will be good" even though it's pre-test week and I've dug myself into a hole so deep that I'm more than halfway to China.

On that note... back to studying!

2008-04-03T10:06:00.003-04:00

Beer!

We had a "case race" last night. Sometimes I wonder what parts of my life I'll leave out when I talk to my children.

Yes kids, in her first year of medical school, your mommy participated in a mindless drinking game that inevitably leads to bloating, stupor, and, of course, drunkeness.

But man it was fun!

It's fun to do stupid things and act like a stupid kid again. I wonder when I'll stop (or if I'll stop).

We got second place, because one of our teammates failed to mention that he has severe GI problems until 3 beers into the race. Sigh. What can ya do?

2008-03-30T21:53:00.002-04:00

Portuguese word of the day:

janela

It means "window"

And I feel like it's in every single Brazilian song.

I wonder if it's in so many songs because it sounds so pretty, or if it's just a common word to use in songs.

As of right now, "Come to my Window" by Melissa Ethridge is the only song that comes to mind. Meh, not so great.

Speaking of Melissa Ethridge, Relay for Life happened yesterday here in Gainesville, and I couldn't participate because of the stupid ass exams we have tomorrow. (Melissa Ethridge had cancer, Relay for Life = American Cancer Society fund-raiser).

Anyway, that was the Portuguese word of the day. Good night, or shall I say Boa Noite.

2008-03-29T23:02:00.003-04:00

Two things that have improved my academic life greatly (and that I really appreciate today):

1) Pandora radio. I've been using it for more than a year now. It cures musical boredom, and is great for studying (except for the occasional song that provides something confusing or interesting and thus sends me into curious google mode).

2) Facebook removal therapy. I gave my roommate my facebook password, and had her change it. She is not allowed to give me the new password until AFTER our two exams on Monday. This has increased productivity to at least 200%.

How sad is it that I had to go to such drastic measures in order to not waste endless hours playing Scrabulous and Attack and reconnecting with old friends and looking at people's profiles for no good reason?

Blogging used to be one of the distraction-devices I used when I was stressed out, but I really lost all inspiration when someone accused me of talking about medical school too much.

I don't want medical school to define me, but since it takes up about 95% of my time while awake (and is the subject of 40-60% of my dreams, depending on how stressed I am that week), I really have nothing else to talk about most of the time. Also, no time to talk about it, even if I did have something to talk about.

But here I am, talking (writing, whatever).

Whenever I hang out with non-med school friends (ie when I go back home), I find myself to be possibly the most boring person ever.

Hopefully, I can do something amazing this summer and have something to talk about for a while. Hey everyone, listen to me, I'm interesting again! Woo-hoo!

What exacerbates the whole situation is the fact that I live in Gainesville. Although I am starting to grow fond of this little city, it really doesn't provide much excitement.

Allow me to elaborate...

(((Before I do, I must point out that I completely recognize that using blogging as an excuse not to study now that Facebook's gone. It's like, blogging is Nicorette and Facebook was the pack of cigarettes. Or something like that. Hey at least writing is cathartic. Facebook is just an abysmal waste of time.)))

Anyway... as I was saying, Gainseville is not so hot.

The city demographics:
Almost 100,000 undergraduates, all drunk and living the American college experience.
A couple thousand Grad students, all drunk and suffering the American Grad school experience
Old people

That's it. Really.

The night life:
Oh, what's that? An entire 1.5 mile stretch on an avenue, littered with bars, clubs, and tiny restaurants to eat at when you're drunk at 2 am? WOW! Yes, the bars in Gainesville can be fun occasionally, but they're all in the same place. Yeah, that 1.5 mile stretch on an avenue. Namely, University Avenue. The part of it that's North of campus is called "midtown" and then east of that it's called "downtown" and that's pretty much all there is to it. The clubs play bad music and the ones that are semi-decent try to make you wait outside as though it were South Beach and Paris Hilton was stripping inside. Drinks are cheap, though.

Let me interject my overwhelming whining and negativity with an important note: I have had a LOT of fun going out in Gainesville. But that's just because I know how to have fun, and I know fun people. And alcohol helps.

Back to the negativity: Everything closes at 2 am. This is stupid, because it only means people will be more drunk when they drive home. Furthermore, taxis are a JOKE, and so is public transportation. Basically, driving on a Friday or Saturday night is a death wish, because there are stupid drunk kids driving around because the damn clubs closed at 2 and no one even thinks taxis exist in this city.

Ok, that's it for night life.

Other:
The restaurants here SUCK. I'm spoiled; DC had so many great places to eat, with so many cultural options... Ethiopian, Thai, Middle Eastern, Turkish, Indian, Latin, etc etc etc... Gainesville is littered with chain restaurant after chain restaurant. Chili's, Fridays, Applebees... I guess this has been good for my health , my cooking skills, and my wallet, but I sure do miss the delight of eating strange food.

Anything at a Salon is 4x more expensive and 10x lower quality than Miami. Yes, I know, I shouldn't keep comparing Gainesville to Miami and DC. But I will. I would sooner have my 3 year old cousin cut my hair than risk getting it done at a Salon here. Ok, I'm exaggerating. But that's what stressed out women do. We exaggerate.

Oh, wait, the one *great* thing to eat here is some good ol' BBQ. There are BBQ pits everywhere, and they're all cost effective, tummy gratifying, and artery clogging, as they should be.

On that positive note, let me mention what's great about Gainesville...

The University of Florida:
It's GREAT to be a Florida Gator. Period. The campus is gorgeous, and it's just an amazing school overall. And hopefully, I'll match in whatever residency I want, wherever I want, like they all promised. Maybe not if I keep slacking off instead of studying.

The scenery:
I don't function particularly well in the great outdoors, nor do I have much experience in being one with nature, but I can appreciate beautiful nature when I see it. Gainesville is puuuurty. There are nice trees and stuff. Exploring the surrounding areas on a nice sunny afternoon has proven to be wonderful and has helped me appreciate the great Florida Outdoors.

CHEAP RENT:
I can't wait to move into a brand-new luxury condo in August with my current roommate and a new one, paying less than half of what I paid for a one bedroom apartment in DC.

OK, I've wasted a sufficient amount of time to feel motivated to hit the books again.

2008-02-05T23:37:00.000-05:00

Roses are red
Violets are pretty
Medical school
Is getting quite shitty

No time for fun
No time for life
Three more years?
Pass me the knife

Study all day
Worry all night
Never feel good
This can't be right

No patient will ask
How you did in that class
So why get an A
When you can just pass?

To be a Neurosurgeon
You must get the grades
But that's not for me
No surgery, no blades.

So all I should do
Is pass and be happy
I'll have much more time
Life won't be so crappy

But I can't just stop caring
I've tried many times
So maybe I should go to bed
And stop these dumb rhymes.

2008-01-14T22:42:00.000-05:00

This one's for rob on sprint.

My buddy bob from highschool asked for a blog update.

Happy New Year, everyone.

I've been busy and uninspired. No, that's a lie and a half. I haven't been busy this whole time (but I'm busy now). Also, I've actually been very inspired. Just unmotivated to write.

So Bob's suggestion was to write like Rosie O'Donnell does. At first I thought he wanted me to talk about food or something, which works for me. Then he sent me this:

http://onceadored.blogspot.com/

I don't care to dig deeper and try to figure out if this is for real or not. I got dumber in the 2 minutes I spent looking through the blog.

But I guess I can blog like her for a bit. Maybe it'll be good for me. I feel frustrated with school. Let's see:

taking neuro
theres an exam on thursday
ive been slacking off a lot
my winter break was fun but not long enough
i got to do some real doctor stuff at the end of the semester
working with a doc up in jacksonville

jacksonville is a big ass city
but now im back in gainesville
home of the florida gator
the swamp

back to school and stress and classmates
who are always unhappy
back to facebook as a means of avoiding
the misery that is studying

Okay that's about all I can do. She uses no punctuation, and has no regard for grammar, syntax, etc. It's nauseating. It looks like a long IM window with no one responding on the other end.

That's what always scares me about the internet and/or text messaging. When you're chatting away on Instant Messenger or G-Talk or MSN or whatever, you never take the time to use full sentences, with capitalization and punctuation. The kids who are growing up using the internet... what's going to happen to them?

I wonder how teachers will deal with it all, or if they will even deal with it.

That's about it for me, Bob. Medical school has stolen my soul once again.

2007-11-28T09:53:00.000-05:00

NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH

Whenever people ask me "is med school like Gray's Anatomy" I want to throw a shit fit. Med school is NOT like Gray's anatomy. Med school is something like Mean Girls crossed with Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Everyone is stressed and angry, there are cliques, people make fun of each other, we're tossing around chunks of dead body, and we are perpetually terrified. There are no McDreamies or McSteamies, just McDonald's or Wendy's, the only kind of food most of us can afford/have time to eat. The only action most of us have gotten in a while is unintentional, as we searched for the hymenal caruncles (remnants of the hymen) or the suspensory ligament of the penis.

The other reason that question bothers me: Grey's Anatomy is a terrible show. I've watched it twice and that's two times too many.

Yesterday we donned our bright blue, poorly fitted, cardboardesque scrubs for one last time and took our final exam.

About 3 months ago we walked into the lab and saw cadavers on their backs, hands neatly folded in front of them. That was a little weird, a little scary, and maybe even gross for some people.

What's left over? A room full of severed body parts; hemisected skulls, hemisected pelvises, and the occasional cross-section of a penis (at least we know what Lorena Bobbit saw). The legs are detached from some bodies. I can't imagine what we would've felt like if we had walked in the first day and seen that.

The nastiest nasty shit (no pun intended) was when there was doo-doo in some of the butts. Feces in the rectum, if you will. Doo-doo on the books, doo-doo on people's lab coats. Ugh.

As much as I loved anatomy, I'm extremely glad it's over. That class required way to much time spent in that lab, inhaling chemicals and coping with my inability to understand things spatially.

2007-11-14T23:10:00.000-05:00

vs.

PIRATES VS. NINJAS

The time consuming, mind decaying invention that is Facebook has brought to me a very pressing question: Is it better to be a pirate or a ninja?

Unecessarily long background on Facebook applications: Pirates versus ninjas is one of thousands of pointless applications that I did NOT add to my page on facebook. I do, however, have Scrabble (Scrabulous), The Office quotes generator, and maybe one or two other cool things. "Buy me a drink" application and "superpoke" or "superwall with grafitti" do look appealing, but I already spend unreasonable amounts of time on facebook. Adding these applications would only end one way: Me failing med school and becoming a Meth addict.

Back to the point: Pirates versus Ninjas is an application where you choose to be a Pirate or a Ninja, I think. I didn't add the application, but it did somehow end up wasting a lot of my time anyway, since it got me thinking a lot.

Thinking about what? Well, thinking about whether it's better to be a pirate or a ninja, of course.

The answer to that question was seemingly simple: a ninja, no doubt! Ninjas are awesome. With stealth and speed, they assassinate their enemies gracefully. They have powerful minds. They wear black, which is slimming. They are nimble and quick (like Jack).

Pirates are brutes. They are loud and rough and vulgar. Clumsy, too, what with all those wooden legs and missing eyes.

Then I got to thinking: which represents ME more.

Anyone who has spent time with me knows that I could be a spokesperson for modern day pirate women. I am loud and vulgar. I'm rambunctiously clumsy and clumsily rambunctious. I eat, drink, and am merry all the time. I call out to my friends "Yo ho," which is one "ho" short of being a cliche pirate song (I think it goes: "yo ho ho and a bottle of rum"). OK, that last one was a stretch. I do, however, curse like a PIRATE, as I've been told repeatedly by family and friends.

BUT, at least I'm really happy all the time, and I know how to have fun.

Let's see. What if I could be both? But wait! Ninjas are quiet. As in, no talking. I *always* have something to say. Furthermore, ninjas are thin and in shape. Pffft. Need I say more? One more thing: Ninjas are great at deceiving people, and being sneaky. I don't lie. Not because I feel bad, but because I suck at lying. It's so much easier to be honest. Brutally honest at times.

So after realizing how pirate-like I am (and how ninja-like I am not), I had to reassess my initial thoughts on which is better. Of course, at this point, I was starting to become pirate-biased.

Ninjas may be extremely skilled warriors, who bring the art of fighting to a whole new level... they may be super cool and nimble and awesome, but they show no emotion. They're cold. They live the life of a ninja, sneaking around and hiding. Hiding their true emotions. Hiding their faces. So sad is the life of a ninja.

Pirates enjoy life and party. They don't take themselves seriously, and they're always on a boat. They have great tans (I think) and lots of booty (not the J-lo kind).

Speaking of J-Lo, HOLY CRAP she's ballooned.

Look at that heifer. Who says pregnancy isn't a disease?

OMG OMG OMG J/K

Moving back to pirates and ninjas, I cannot deny that although I am compelled to pledge allegiance to piratedom, I am still fascinated by the ninjas. I could try to be a ninja, but I think at this point in life it's too late.

The solution: find me a ninja man, who I can make pirate-ninja babes with. How cool would that be?

In all seriousness, though, I tend to like those who are calm, cool, and collected. I feel as though I really need people like that in my life. For a long time now, those who have been my most comforting friends have been this way, with some exceptions.

Don't get me wrong: I love hanging out with other pirates, but it's the ninjas in my life are the ones who bring me balance.

2007-11-09T00:33:00.000-05:00

"Flying first class, up in the sky...Champagne, livin' the life"

God, Fergie's dumb. The worst part about it all is that she thinks we're just as dumb as she is, so she spells things out for us. "G-L-A-M.... O-R-O-U-S"

Somehow she's smart enough to have found people who can insert her into some exceedingly catchy songs. "My humps" = pure genius. No? It's a profound social commentary on current gender roles in society and the female's ingenious use of anatomical protuberances to subvert the need to pay for things herself.

"You love my lady lumps."

OK fine. It's not a social commentary. It's a dumb song by a dumb ho. But I love it. It's fun to dance to. And it's hilarious!

Why am I here? I can't study anymore. I found myself reading 2 pages at a time without actually *reading.* Then Pandora radio started playing "Glamorous" and that was the end of my motivation to even THINK about being motivated to study.

Yes, I'm complaining about school again. It's so painful.

On that whiny note: I missed the Office tonight, for the first time all season (besides the very first episode). And for what? To study for the stupid quiz. Oh so sad! Fear not, I am equipped to deal with this situation. DVR. I got a sweet deal with the cable company and it's only costing me 10 bucks a month, split with my Indian Princess roommate. I've watched more television this year than I have since I was in highschool. The Office, It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, Californication, Entourage, South Park, Big Love. With the exception of Big Love, everything I watch is comedy. I don't like to feel sad or concerned when I watch TV. Good comedy is a good vacation away from this world. I haven't watched the news in ages.

Maybe that makes me in denial, which, as it turns out, isn't only a river in Egypt.

wait for it....

wait for it...

*Badum-bishhhhh*

ANYWAY, I recently watched a couple of episodes of "Weeds," which is also a spectacularly funny show.

Back to the subject of school, since I have nothing better to talk about: in less than 30 days, I'll be in Jacksonville, with NO EXAMS to study for. I'll be shadowing a real doctor for 2 weeks or so. That means I get to actually remember WHY I AM IN MEDICAL SCHOOL. It also means I get to relax and party my ass off with other students who are up there. I'm pretty excited.

Until then, I'll take life one caffeine fix at a time.

2007-11-08T01:41:00.001-05:00

Life, insomnia, and the pursuit of happiness

I should be sleeping! We have a quiz on Friday. Damn over-sized energy drinks (I had one with lunch today... not smart).

The first semester of medical school (one half of one fourth of the whole shabang) is almost over. We'll dissect tomorrow then just once more before anatomy is over. I'm somewhere in between relieved and sad.

I've had such an intense love-hate relationship with anatomy. On the one hand, there's the smell, the impossible nature of the tasks handed to us, the volumes of information we must memorize, regurgitate, and understand. On the other hand, there's the unique experience to peek inside a human being (22 human beings, to be exact), to see what makes us tick. All the stuff we've learned is pretty neat. I know what you look like on the inside. Weird, isn't it?

This unit- abdomen and pelvis, is supposed to be the easiest. But morale is low. Everyone's tired of studying, tired of smelling like formaldehyde, and tired of not seeing the light of day. Even though November 14 will mark 3 months of medical school for us, I feel like most people are still adjusting to this life (or lack thereof).

I am still struggling to figure out where I want to be through it all. Do I always want to do my best? I remember reading once that no matter what you're doing, do it as well as you can and you'll be happy.

On the other hand, I have interests and aspirations that lie well outside the realm of medical school, and require that I look beyond this obsession with doing as well as I possibly can.

The old question is: "What do you call the person at the bottom of his (or her) med school class?"

The answer, of course, is "Doctor"

So why be miserable and try to get the A, when I can be having fun and getting lower grades?

I haven't studied hard for the quiz on Friday. I've been getting all the sleep I need, cooking for myself, and keeping up with my television (Heroes and South Park, to be precise). To the outsider, this may seem like nothing. But to a med school student, spending all that time not studying is equated with throwing in the towel. Luckily for me, I'm a fast learner and I'll be fine. But only "fine." I won't be "excellent" or "exemplary." I won't be pushing myself to full potential. Then I'll feel crappy about it.

The conclusion: there is no happiness in medical school. If you push yourself all you get is a grade. If you try to live your life and be happy all you get is remorse.

Maybe I should stop bitching and moaning about this. I knew it would suck before I started.

I'm almost done downing my insomnia remedy (lots of wine) so perhaps I should hit the proverbial hay.

One more day of agony, then the quiz...

...then some more agony before the last exams at the end of November...

...THEN only 3.5 years more of medical school!

Sweeeeeet.

(shoot me)

2007-11-06T08:56:00.000-05:00

Urban Dictionary's Take on My Schools

So, I was perusing Urban Dictionary, and the word/phrase of the day a few days back was "Don't Tase Me Bro," paying homage to the event at my wonderful school, where campus police tazed (or is it tazered) a student who was getting a little uppity when asking John Kerry a question. I noticed that the words "University of Florida" were a link, so I clicked, and found this entry for my Gatorrific school:

University of Florida:

A place where diversity is a foreign word, and the girls wouldnt dare wear anything execpt pink, pearls,and a camo hat with their sorority letters on it, and you will stick out like a sore thumb if it doesn't look like you took 9 and 1/2 hrs to get ready.

I thought this was titillating, particularly because "the U" (University of Miami) actually sounds a lot like this. At least that's how I felt all 4 years there. My curiosity led me to search for my alma mater. The first entry was:

University of Miami:

The only place in the world where a hairy Jewish kid will get laid by a supermodel.

This is hilarious, because it's true.

Finally, I figured I'd finish the trifecta and search for good ol' Georgetown. I figured this would have the most negative but hilarious entries. I recoiled in terror to only find good things, including:

The best overall university in the United States--well-adjusted, smart, ambitious, good-looking, socially aware, and involved students come from across the country and the world to attend this great university. No better place for an undergraduate experience.

Um.. WTF? Seriously. Georgetown is a joke. Granted, I didn't go there for undergrad, so my view is skewed. It's in a GREAT area, yes. It's a beautiful school, yes. But come ON. There is so much to make fun of there. Everyone's got more money than they know what to do with, there are popped collars everywhere, and they THINK they are an Ivy League school. Also, despite it being in the middle of one of the most diverse cities in the world, "diversity" is a foreign concept at G-town.

The rest of the entries for UM and UF were mixed: good and bad, lots of funny stuff. There was snobbery in the entries for all 3 schools, but Georgetown was by far the worst.

Something I learned: Apparently, UF students consider UF to be a public Ivy League of the South. Umm... I don't know bout that. It is a great school, though. I am happy to be at UF med school.

On that note, I should get my happy ass to that wonderful med school and get to studying.

2007-11-02T14:53:00.000-05:00

Medical school woes

Last week during a break between our exams someone told me that the first year of medical school brings out the worst in people, particularly girls.

Medical school, in all its glory, has made me the most irritable person I've ever been.

I feel like I need the unabridged, fully illustrated version of "How To Deal With Annoying People."

I used to be one of those people who could probably host a 5 day seminar on how to deal with annoying people gracefully. Suddenly, I am one of those people who should be in the front row of that seminar, taking notes feverishly.

I partially attribute it to overexposure. I'm at school 7 days a week, many hours a day, same people every day. It's like high school over again, except way less fun.

I also attribute it to the fact that med schools everywhere are likely to have many individuals exhibiting social pathologies. You've got your judgmental closed minded, opinionated kids. You've got your overachieving, ass-kissing, "I'm only out for myself" kids. Many times, you'll encounter people who exhibit both sets of traits. Then there are people who only study and have no life whatsoever. And the perpetually stressed out individuals... just looking at them bumps up my systolic pressure a good 20 mmHg.

Eventually, you become a product of your environment, don't you? I've caught myself obsessing over grades, torturing myself with guilt for taking a day off from studying. I've found myself wanting the A more than anything in this world. Bleh.

What also sucks is that I often don't know what to talk about besides school. I'm so boring. I've forgotten how to communicate with people who are not in med school.

Another thing: Every once in a while, a fellow classmate will sigh and wonder aloud "Why are we doing this to ourselves? Why are we in med school?" I usually turn around and walk away from this conversation, because falling into self doubt is definitely NOT on my sticky note "To Do" list. But alas, I cannot escape my own mind, and I find myself wondering more and more whether or not this was a good choice.

All that stuff (the overexposure of people, the complete immersion in medical school with no other hobbies, and the self doubt) is possibly the reason why I'm such an angry bitch.

Maybe this is who I was all along and I just had the energy to hide it well before.

Hopefully it's just a phase.

It could be worse than irritability, I suppose. I'm pretty sure school has made many of my classmates depressed, anxious, unhappy, smelly, etc. It's definitely the number one leading cause of breakups. So if all it does to me is make me a mega bitchy woman, then maybe I am blessed.

*******

Luckily, this past weekend was loaded with fun. I wrote all that stuff before the weekend actually started.

Gator Growl on Friday night = Frank Caliendo, Lynrd Skynrd. Very nice. The rest of the weekend was great fun, and I actually cooked and cleaned too. I felt normal again...

...only to wake up on Monday hating myself for being so damn irresponsible.

See? There's no such thing as happiness in medical school.

2007-10-21T01:20:00.000-04:00

So I'm in Miami for the second time this month. I have an exam on Friday, and I really shouldn't have come down. But I did, because my friends got married this weekend.

The drive down was pretty long but very peaceful (minus almost dying while driving through a brief hurricane), as I had 5 hours to myself. I tried to convince myself to stop caring about school as much. I fooled myself into thinking that I would be okay with just passing. I don't need to get exceptional grades, because I don't want to be a dermatologist or plastic surgeon. Chances are I'll go into family medicine (not competitive at all). So why not enjoy life? Why be miserable in med school?

This morning I woke up hating myself for not studying more. I guess I have a lot more convincing of myself to do.

The other endless amount of self reflection time bestowed upon me this weekend happened before and during the wedding. A whole boatload of stuff to think about:

-Marriage
-The horror that is planning a wedding
-Proper attire for weddings
-The Spanglishness of the mass
-Whether or not there would be an open bar later
-Religion (because it was, of course, in a Catholic church)

I was there extra early, because I was the best man's date. I didn't know anyone else besides the groom's family, and so, naturally, I sat alone. Alone and lonely. In a church. As I looked around, I saw how wound up and stressed out everyone was. The wedding coordinator people were the worst. I couldn't bear to look as they barked out orders at anyone who was involved in the wedding.

It got me thinking about how I do NOT want a big wedding. I don't even want a conventional one. Big white dress? No thanks. Subjecting my best friends in the world to don some pastel-colored chiffon or satin dress that they'll never wear again? Um, no. Trying to figure out who to invite and who not to... oh dear God. Finding a venue, finding a pastor, picking the food, choosing the flowers, ugh. It's all so... horrible.

My ideal wedding will be a huge ass party with all the people I love. It will be outdoors and there will be barbecue and an amazing bartender and DJ. My dress will be something classy but sassy, no poofiness, no extra miles of fabric that will drag behind me endlessly. Then, with all the money I didn't spend on a big poofy dress and souvenirs, I will go on a honeymoon every year for the first 5 of marriage.

Don't get me wrong, the big white dress, the beautiful decorations, it's all nice. It makes me feel like a girl. But I don't want it.

After I decided that I would never have a traditional wedding, the organ played and there came the bride, all dressed in white. I got a little misty eyed (I'm a loser) and remembered meeting this girl when my friend first started dating her. They are a very cute couple. *sigh*

Then, they started exchanging vows and all that jazz. Then I realized that I probably would prefer to never get married. All that pressure. Is it really necessary to make it official? I love you, you love me, let's start a family and live together. Screw the bells and whistles. Also, I know my dad will cry like a baby. That makes me never want to get married.

During the rest of the mass, I couldn't help but think about all these things, while simultaneously noticing the revealing clothing of most of the girls there. My mother gave me a shawl to cover up with before I left the house. Most girls there were tramping around like it was Club Church, and, quite frankly, I didn't think it was a big deal. But what was Jesus thinking? I'd like to know.

As mass droned on and on, I started to feel semi-guilty for being in my own la-la land and not paying attention. But I don't know how many people actually DO pay attention during mass. Even when I was the holiest of holy kids, singing songs of praise and proudly responding to every prompt given by the priest, my mind used to wander. I can't imagine how adults could do it, or IF they do it.

Mass should have less ritual, less words, and more meaningful exercises. Moments of reflection to give thanks for all Jesus did... that's great. But praise be the Lord 15 times gets a little old, and I don't think people mean it every time they say it. Not because they don't believe it, but because they go into automatic pilot mode, while they think about whatever they are thinking about that probably has absolutely nothing to do with the Father, the Son, or the Hoy Spirit.

I also noticed how ornate the church was. This is more common in Catholic churches than other denominations of Christianity. I wonder how much it cost to build the church, how much maintenance is, etc. I realize the money is going to a "good cause," but there are better causes, and shouldn't a place of worship be humble and simple anyway?

I decided that if I had a religion, mass would be outdoors. It wouldn't be mass. It would be like, hey, let's get together and meditate, and feel grateful for what we have. Let's pray for those in need. Let's work toward the betterment of mankind, and let's start with ourselves. Let's plant a tree.

Yeah. And there would be music, too. And yoga.

Hmmm... the Church of Marianatology. Or Marianaism, Or Marianity.

Anyway, soon enough the mass was over, after about 7 different weird rituals, like a noose-rosary (ironic, no?) around both their necks and the lighting of a candle. The reception was awesome, and yes, there WAS an open bar. Vodka + dancing the night away helped me forget that I'll probably never get married, and that I'll probably fail Friday's test.

2007-10-18T00:37:00.001-04:00

Today in lab, I sawed a man's face in half. Right through the middle of his forehead, in between his eyes, splitting his nose in half... down to the jaw bone.

It was brutal, and most people felt pretty weird about it. I'm shocked that I am so desensitized.

School is sucking a little lately. Oh well.

2007-10-10T23:32:00.000-04:00

What will they think of next?

So I log onto MySpace for no good reason at all, and I find that people who I haven't spoken to in a while have posted comments on my page with links/pictures/videos. I assumed one of them was just a funny you tube video or something, so I click, and what happens? I get redirected to the MySpace log in page. Just as I was about to re-enter my username and password, Firefox popped up with a message, as seen below:

It's kind of tough to make out what the message balloon says. "Suspected forgery" and some long explanation that this site is wack and trying to steal my info.

It's really tough to feel safe on the internet these days. We had an entire one hour lecture during the beginning of orientation about "internet safety" and how our passwords should be insanely complex like, "h4y7U909!$k009" and how we should NEVER store passwords on the computer, bla bla bla.

Damn Phishing scams.

I tested it out on Internet Explorer and it also gave a warning about forgery.

Maybe blogging is just a huge scam used to steal people's opinions, rants, and bad writing. OMG. Maybe scientologists are behind it.

I don't know why I said that. Apparently a lecture was given on campus by the Psychiatry interest group about how Scientologists think they have the right to hurt psychiatrists for some reason. Religion is ridiculous. Why should we live our lives according to what someone else/an institution deems as correct. Bah. Ridiculous.

What if I wanted to be a psychiatrist? I don't want some placenta-eating, multi-alien composed guy coming at me with a chainsaw. Sheesh. Oh. Woah there. Totally politically incorrect of me.

Since Scientologists are running this blogging phishing scam, I'd like all of Scientology to know something important: I do not want to be a Pyschiatrist. I'm going to be an Obstetrician, and I will provide you with more placenta than you can sink your teeth into. Please do not steal my identity, or my thoughts on life as a med school student. KTHXBYE!

2007-10-08T23:14:00.000-04:00

See that diagram? It's a cross section of the thorax. I *loathe* cross sections.

So, tomorrow there's a quiz. I studied every day last week in anticipation of this quiz. I put in the hours, made the sacrifices. It was grand. I felt so on top of my shit. Part of my motivation: I wanted to go to Miami for the weekend. So I did. It was an amazing break, much needed, well deserved. I studied a bit while there, but not nearly enough. I got back to the swampland, donned my neatly folded (thanks mom) scrubs, and boldly walked into the anatomy lab. Ten minutes later I bolted out of there, with an overwhelming fear that I had bitten off more than I could chew. Or is it bit off? No time for grammar! I should be studying or sleeping. But first, I must throw a small blog pity party about how much more I should have studied this weekend.

I sacrificed study time for fun time, and I'm kind of tempted to say it was well worth it. I mean, I can't let med school be EVERYTHING. As the med schoolers say, P=MD. What that means is PASS = MD, as in, all you need to do is pass to become a doctor.

If you happen to want to be, oh, let's say, a plastic surgeon, then this law doesn't apply. But I most definitely don't want to be a plastic surgeon, or a dermatologist, or an orthopedic surgeon, so I don't have to worry too much.

But I still have my pride! And, who knows? I might change my mind 8 million times and end up choosing a mega-competitive specialty. My crappy GPA will cause me to be rejected or force me to live somewhere awful... and why? Not because I couldn't do it, but because I chose to go to Miami and hang out at the beach and see my friends and eat delicious food and...

Oh f*** it. It was totally worth it!

2007-09-28T19:08:00.000-04:00

Things have been going unusually well lately. I am happy to say, I got a new car, I got a FREE ticket to the Florida vs Auburn game, I've been on top of my schoolwork (kind of), and, finally:

THE OFFICE IS BACK!

Yes...

The first episode aired yesterday. It was one hour long. It was funny but not as amazing as I'd hoped. My favorite line (by none other than Michael Scott):

"I'm not superstitious... I'm only slightly stitious." (paraphrased)

HA!

My new car is pretty nice. It's a 2008 dark blue Pontiac G6. Thank goodness for a father who is kind enough to wire me money and arrange it all. Yay Dad!

It felt pretty weird to have my dad do all that for me. I'm usually more independent, but school is insanely time consuming and I asked my dad to iron out the details for me. Again, yay Dad!

I'm freaking independent. FINALLY. Relying on people for rides sucks. Not having a car in Gainesville sucks sucks sucks. But now, that's allll over.

The other awesomeness: I'm going to the motherlovin' game! This game is the second to last home game. I missed Tennessee because of the stupid exam. I can't wait to tailgate. The game's at eight.

Something else that's pretty cool... I went to power yoga twice this week. I used to take yoga for credit in undergrad (how sweet is that?) and I've been in love with it ever since. Unfortunately,
power yoga is like yoga on crack. Fortunately, it's a great workout and it leaves you feeling wonderful.

What's not so awesome is the fact that I've completely succumbed to the fact that I will spend a lot of time studying. Somewhere along the way, I lost my "I will not let school interfere with my social life" attitude. I have always done above average, while never really setting high standards for myself. Suddenly, I find myself unable to settle for anything less than outstanding. Twice this week I could've gone out and partied, and both times I found myself wanting to stay in and study. Not forcing myself to stay in, but *wanting* it. This is so strange. Could I possibly be growing up???

NEVER!

At any rate, I hope it persists and that it pays off, because I'd better not be both lame and mediocre!

Tonight, I will not be lame. I am going out. I want to celebrate the end of the week. On that note, I should go study for a couple of hours.

See? WTF?!

2007-09-23T10:34:00.000-04:00

Exam, partying, and Gainesville rant

We took our first exam on Friday. Our Anatomy professor calls exams "exercises" and he says that we have to keep swimming, and each exam is like a buoy.

It's really an annoying metaphor, because it is a feeble attempt to make the whole ordeal seem like a fun game. It should be something like: You are in a torture chamber, and the exam is like when your torturer comes in to check on how miserable you are and inflict an extra amount of pain/suffering.

As usual, I exaggerate.

But 3 computer exams and a 2.5 hour practical with both cadavers and microscopes is really really tiring. Not to mention the fact that everything was tough, minus one exam, Radiology. That professor's got an amazing sense of humor, and the class is pass/fail. This is the recipe for a ridiculously easy exam.

I didn't suffer too much throughout the whole experience, though. It's just a test. I did well enough to pass it all, and even if I hadn't, we've got 2 more "exercises" then shelf exams, which are some sort of standardized exams to assess our learnin'.

The absolute BEST part about taking an exam, however, is the unanimous desire to go have a ridiculously awesome time afterward. That we did. We threw a house party, and more than half of our classmates showed up. It was a grand old time. I woke up on Saturday morning feeling less than ideal, but I got online and had my good friend Papa John make me a pineapple and ham pizza and have it delivered. Best hangover cure EVER.

The weird thing about the first couple of days after an exam is the readjustment to being normal again. I got used to spending 80-90% of each day studying or in the lab. It's so strange to wake up and have the option to sit around and watch TV all day (which is PRECISELY what I did yesterday).

Last night we went to the mediocrity that is downtown Gainesville. The assholes at the bar charged an extra 4 drinks on my tab. It is Gainesville, so those drinks only cost about 3-4 bucks each, but that is still bull-crap! I argued with them and they treated me as though I was some crazy drunk bitch. I was not really drunk, but I was definitely being a bitch after 5 minutes of their crap. Screw them for overcharging me. They erased the charges, but it was like pulling teeth and their customer service was pathetic. I suppose dumbass drunk Gainesville kids try to pull this all the time, perhaps because they were so drunk that they forgot that they had ordered all those drinks. This was most certainly not the case for me.

Ok that's enough ranting. I'm trying to love this town but it's getting harder. Whatever, it's only the second month of many, and I am sure there are some better bars around here. Sigh.

Why couldn't UF be in Miami?! Oh, I know why, I'd NEVER study.

2007-09-15T01:19:00.000-04:00

Fickle Girrrl

Guys say "Girls are so fickle."

While I cannot speak on behalf of my entire gender, I can most certainly admit that I'm as fickle as a pickle.

A pickle that once was a cucumber, to be chopped up and used as an ingredient in a freshly tossed Mediterranean salad, but decided to jump into a vat of brine instead, only to later realize that it wants to be a cucumber again.

For the most part, being fickle has not been a totally terrible thing. I've gained exposure to a handful of possible career paths, tried lots of beer, learned about lots of different belief systems, etc. The value of this for me: a broader perspective, a greater understanding. The only time it really bugs me is when it is at the expense of another person.

My official apology: I am really truly very sorry for being so fickle.

This weekend presented with one decision was extremely tough to make: Go out and party on Friday night and/or go to the UF vs Tennessee game today, or stay in and study, study, study instead. I am pretty shocked that I chose the latter.

In the words of a once great punk band: "Well I guess this is growing up."

Uh, don't get me wrong, I definitely will watch the game. But no tailgating. OH MY GOD IT BURNS. Must.... drink... beer.

Being responsible sucks ass. Getting bad grades sucks significantly more ass, though.

2007-09-12T23:42:00.000-04:00

Chronicles of the Spazziest (sp?) Med Student of Them All

Two things:

1: Yesterday in class, I opened up my laptop so I could take notes on the wonderful world of diagnostic imaging. I generally hit "Hibernate" instead of "Shut Down" so that I can open up the computer and have everything I was doing before still there. Little did I know, Firefox was open with Pandora radio up and running. It takes a while for the laptop to show me Windows and let me move around and do stuff. It does not, however, take more than one second for the music to come on FULL BLAST in the middle of the lecture. The song that was playing? Christina Aguilera, Dirty. She's just YELLING in the song. It is definitely on the list of the top ten songs you wouldn't want to be playing full blast in the middle of lecture. I scrambled to shut the sound off, but the volume controls were completely unresponsive. I held down the off button for a very long time before it shut down. Everyone had a grand old time laughing it up. Luckily the professor thought everyone was laughing at some joke he had put up on the powerpoint presentation.

2: Yesterday in lab, while returning from the tissue disposal bin, where I was dumping out the 6th container-full of thigh fat, I noticed a breeze. My pants fell down.

Yeah, no lie. At my ankles.

Luckily, my lab coat is really long, and I was covered down to my knee.

Still hilarious, tho. Again, laughter ensued and everyone else in the room was wondering what could possibly be so damn funny about shoveling fat out of a cadaver's thigh in a desperate attempt to clean out the femoral nerve. (Worst lab EVER, by the way).

Neither of these can top the time I yelled "I HATE YOU" while walking into a lecture hall last year. That was a classic.

The morals of the stories:
1: Pandora radio is not all it's chopped up to be if it actually thinks I'd like that awful song.
2: They need to make better fitting scrubs. How 'bout an elastic band? Would that kill them?

2007-09-09T22:01:00.001-04:00

Britney Spears disappointed me tonight.

The VMA's seem to get worse every year. I shouldn't have sacrificed this past hour of study time...

"Sacrificed" pfft.

I heart Justin Timberlake though. And yeah, Britney has GUTS to come out and sing after all she's done.

Oh, back to why the VMA's are an insult to me. It's always poorly planned, people always read their cue cards incorrectly, and the technical difficulties are overwhelming.

Who am I to criticize this annual meeting of celebrities in a celebration of music? A formaldehyde drenched, very stressed out medical school student, who should have studied today, but for some odd reason couldn't find the motivation. Nearly failing last Thursday's quiz and an impending major exam in less than two weeks just don't cut it.

Oh, but I studied all weekend, so it's okay. NO NO WAIT, I DIDN'T STUDY ALL WEEKEND!

It was a fun weekend tho. I spent a couple of hours at school on Saturday kind of glossing over some Anatomy stuff, but I was too excited to get to tailgating (which was awesome). The game was cool too, but I was too tired to really care. Go Gators!

Tomorrow we have to interview a fake patient and we're getting videotaped. Later in the week, we will get into our small groups and watch ourselves. The stupid camera adds 10 lbs, and I am nervous as hell.

Bah! I suppose I should get to bed early. No use staying up and watching this garbage any longer.

2007-09-05T23:43:00.000-04:00

QUIZ TOMORROW!

It is the first of many evaluations of my ability to take in new information, understand it, and be able to demonstrate that understanding by correctly answering a series of questions written by people who haven't been in medical school since before the discovery of electricity. It will define me as a medical school student.

No it won't. Hopefully it'll go okay enough that I don't fail, but not so well that I don't get the swift kick in the booty I need to get into high gear.

2007-09-05T00:45:00.000-04:00

Before I know it, I'm going to have to choose a specialty.

I went to a Psychiatry Interest Group talk today. "Talks" by interest groups on campus are generally given during lunch time, and lunch is generally provided. But I seriously went to the talk with genuine interest.

Genuine interest in getting some pizza.

Oh, and also a slight interest in Psychiatry as a potential career.

I left with more than a slight interest. Psychiatry is one of the more humanistic medical career paths, and a lot more options exist beyond what most people think a psychiatrist is. I actually found the talk interesting, as well as very informational.

When one lady was talking, I got some really intense deja vu. Like, real deja vu. As in, I totally was here before, listening to these words, feeling this way.

Maybe it's a sign... In a past life I may have been a psychiatrist. Or a hungry medical student listening to a psychiatry interest group talk.

The speakers did/are currently doing residencies in psychiatry, and all of them said "I never thought I wanted to do Psychiatry." With my history of indecisiveness (switched career paths thrice), I most definitely have no clue about what I'll be doing in 4 years. But if I do end up choosing Psychiatry, I'll always remember this lunch talk, and perhaps when I'm a guest speaker for the Psychiatry Interest Group Talk for a bunch of new stinky first year med students, I'll tell them the story of what sparked my interest in Psychiatry. Maybe not.

On a totally unrelated, unnecessarily whiny note: I took a long shower and still smell like formaldehyde. There's a quiz on Thursday. I don't know what innervates the supraspinatus muscle, let alone what the hell it does. I don't know what mitochondria look like under a light microscope, or which proteins are involved in the zonula adherens of epethelial cells.

Perhaps I shouldn't think about residency when it's quite possible I won't even make it through year one...

Ok, that's an exaggeration, I hope. I'm just tired/cranky/stinky.

2007-09-03T02:17:00.000-04:00

Gainesville is just plain WEIRD to me.

So, today I got a ride to school from my good ol' pal Horacio, who came up here for the game (which I *did* attend... damn it feels good to be a Gator). Anyway, I don't have a car, but I live a little less than 2 miles away from campus. Last year, in DC, I used to walk 3.5 miles to and from school (uphill, both ways, in the snow). It was great because it let me get a bit of exercise, some nice quiet alone time, and the chance to be outdoors after hours of being cooped up in horrendous classrooms.

After printing a google map, just in case I needed it, I started what I thought would be a regular walk home. Campus was strangely quiet and desolate, and as I approached the normally full commuter lot, I kind of felt a little scared. There was only one car in the parking lot. Campus security. As I walked through the lot, I heard the driver of the car turn on the ignition and start driving. Three seconds later the car was next to me and I heard a woman's voice: "do you need a ride to your car?" When I explained that I was just walking home, and that home was a good 2 miles away, she damn near slapped me upside the head. She called for a police officer to come drive me home, and had me sit in her car with her. I felt like a 5 year old who had just stuck a bobby pin in an electric socket and was being scolded by the proper adult authorities.

Sidenote: I actually did stick a bobby pin in an electric socket when I was younger. I got a nice big jolt, and I vaguely remember that my mom went all kinds of crazy on me.

Moving right along, this woman let me know that I should NEVER EVER walk alone at night. Sounds like common sense, I suppose. But again, I used to walk in DC, one of the biggest cities with the most crime. I used to walk home at 10 pm, without a care in the world. It wasn't even totally dark out tonight.

Back to her lecture: "There are crazy people out there, you never know. Not to mention alligators. You are new around here, you're not used to the alligators. If one of those things gets near you, you're gonna panic, not know what to do. You might run into traffic. There are snakes around here too. And very little lighting. And also, think about the fact that there are lots of heavily medicated people walkin' around comin' out of the hospital."

She straight up scared the shit out of me. I don't even want to walk around Gainesville in broad daylight anymore.

So the cop showed up, and he was less than pleased. I thanked the maternally inclined security guard, and almost wanted to hug her. She cared, and it showed. The transition from sweet lady to pissed cop was an awkward one. He had to clear out all the stuff from the front seat, while I just stood there wondering if I should sit in the back. That would've been cool. I would've been like "damn it feels good to be a gangsta". But I didn't want him to think I was used to sitting in the back of a cop car or something weird like that. So I got in the front. He asked me "what happened" and I explained the situation. He kind of just nodded. I wanted to break the silence, and even contemplated making a joke, like "I hope this is the ONLY time I'm ever riding in a cop car" but I was so embarrassed that I didn't dare speak (me, quiet?!?! hard to imagine, I know). He made some small talk and I got home, safe and sound, without a gator bite in sight.

I was pretty annoyed at the situation, because I really like walking, and it's too hot to do it before dark. I'm annoyed because Gainesville had given me a false sense of safety. I mean, coming from Miami and having lived in DC, how could I be afraid of lil' old G-ville? Damn this town, and its lack of public transportation and adequate lighting.

The only good thing that came out of this is that I met my security guard savior. She showed that she really cared and that UF is all about taking care of its students. I would never *ever* expect half of that from the University of Miami or Georgetown, ever.

So hooray for UF, hooray for kindness.

This place is going to take some getting used to. And by some, I mean a lot.

Weird place, this Gainesville. It's only been 3 weeks, perhaps I'll grow to love it eventually.

Oh yeah, and med school sucks.

2007-08-23T21:37:00.001-04:00

Gross Anatomy is not really as fun and cool as I thought it would be. Formaldehyde burns the eyes, removing fat from a cadaver is time-consuming and quite disgusting, and trying to find nerves is nerve wracking.

But, it's still awesome in its own way.

I feel as though we all became unexpectedly desensitized to the fact that we are cutting away at a body which was once occupied by a soul. A mind, a heart. A person with real feelings, a life, maybe some kids? A person who had a favorite color and a favorite movie, fell in love, maybe did some drugs? Yeah, all those feelings *poof* disappeared as I made large incisions across the cadaver's back, pulled the skin away from the muscles, and scraped away the fat and tissue.

I try to stay conscious of the human side of it all, but I don't want that to deter me from learning. I also don't want to have nightmares. I do, however, want to always appreciate the individuals who graciously donated their bodies so that we stressed out twenty-somethings can get our hands dirty (literally) and do some learnin'.

Today, as the formaldehyde burned my eyes, I looked away from the dissection table to try to catch some clean breaths of air. I looked around the room, and saw the faces of my classmates, concentrating, slicing, searching, learning. It was like a scene out of a movie. What kind of movie, I don't really know. But it was like a movie, damnit. It made me feel very lucky to be in medical school.

I know, I know, once the 7 hour exam blocks and sleepless nights come rolling in, I'm going to be bitchin' like the rest of 'em. But for now, in between brief episodes of panic and stress, I'm still able to appreciate some things.

Speaking of appreciation, I have a new found appreciation for anyone who has ever put together furniture. I built my own desk yesterday. It was a relaxing activity in the sense that it had *nothing* to do with science, but it was frustrating in the sense that it had everything to do with incompetent instruction manual writers and poorly designed furniture. It is a sexy desk, very plain, very big. It felt good to build it myself, and I suppose I will never take that desk for granted. It would be cool if everyone could spend just one day in the shoes of the people who make things possible (ie the farmer who grows our food). Maybe not. Whatever.

That's all there is to say, I suppose.

2007-08-21T10:13:00.001-04:00

A couple of posts ago I wrote about how while tearing apart my calendar from 2005, I remembered what a tough year it was. Check out my horoscope for today:

Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22)

Reality has an obstacle or two to place in your way now, as Saturn is in its final week of visiting your sign. Consider the extraordinary pressures you have faced since August, 2005, to see what you can learn from the past two years. Remember, awareness is crucial; if you can understand your role in what's happening, then you can push through to the other side.

Crazy!

On a totally unrelated note: today I have my first dissection. I pre-read the lab manual, went to bed early, ate a good breakfast, packed a healthy lunch, and even got some annoying forms done that I had been putting off for a while. Being a responsible student felt great. I had such a smug sense of having everything under control. I said to myself, "Ha, world! You can't trip me today!" And then...

I realized that I forgot to bring my lab coat. Damn it.

Gaaaaaawd. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

Anyway, enough of that. I just wanted to reflect on my horoscope. Some weeks the readings are so on the money it's scary.

2007-08-20T22:55:00.000-04:00

First day of Class....

Was great. Despite being called out by the teacher for walking in late with two other people (and later being the only one that people made fun of for it), it was a great day.

We got stethoscopes which were donated by the Alumni Association. That was kind of emotional and it felt like a rite of passage. I'm still having lapses of "holy crap I'm here."

Then we got our first lecture in Histology. Boringest subject EVER.

Later in the day, we went into the anatomy lab and met our cadavers. It was intense, and a bit eerie. Their faces were covered up, which made it a bit easier to deal with.

The day ended with 2 hours of boredom in Histology lab. *yawn*

And now, it's almost 11 pm, my new bed time. At least that's what I'm shooting for.

Tomorrow we have our first dissection. I'm a bit nervous but mega-excited. Hopefully I won't botch anything up!

2007-08-18T20:21:00.001-04:00

My MSN tarot reading: (yes, I realize it seems like BS but I do it for fun)

Today is a day where you want company, new acquaintances, friends, a new love, Mariana. The World puts you in a frame of mind that’s open to the world. You are likely to get plenty of invitations – and will certainly accept them, as you are keen to establish new friendships. Strength, on the other hand, makes sure that you use discrimination and do not waste your time with people who are not worth it. So make the best of this day and enjoy! You are going to have a very pleasant working day today. Your projects are coming along, your efforts are being recognized, your social skills help you be friendly with the people you are dealing with. Jointly, the Star and the World are opening up your horizons and are increasing your chances of success in every sphere. If you are working on a project involving a foreign country, you will get all the support you need. Look at the bigger picture!

Yuh. Making new friends is fun. It's been happening all week. I've gotten to know a good bunch of my classmates. It's still orientation, so for the most part, everyone seems real nice and cool. But who know what lurks beneath their first-impression cloaks. We'll find out come anatomy lab, exam time, and of course, when we're outside of school as more and more opportunities to get inebriated present themselves.

But I've gotta say, I'm so *STOKED* to be here. I pinch myself every once in a while to make sure this isn't an elaborate dream.

Today I dismembered a 2005 Salvador Dali calendar so that I could use the pictures to un-boringify the walls of my room. I saw all the stuff I had written on there, like "MCAT scores come out" and "recommendation letter deadline" from when I was applying to med school the first time. I got this little tingly "holy crap I did it" feeling as I flipped through the calendar. 2005, what a year. It was the year I graduated from college. It was also the year ridden with the most self-doubt. "What am I doing with my life?" nagged me frequently, along with "what do I want?" and "why the hell do I have so much trouble making up my mind?!"

I'm glad those days are over and that I know where I'll be for the next 4 years. Choosing a residency, however, may present a similar situation. But I'll cross that bridge when I get to it....

Ok, it's party time!

2007-08-12T10:02:00.000-04:00

Oh Em Gee

(Spelling letters of the alphabet has become second nature to me thanks to Scrabble...)

ANYWAY...

OH EM GEE, I'm leaving to Gainesville today. Gator country. The Swamp. Ironically, I actually live pretty close to the Everglades here in Miami. Now THAT'S a swamp.

Tuesday marks the beginning of orientation, a week-long, 8-5 ordeal that will undoubtedly be exciting and tiring. I can't friggin' believe I'm going to medical school. I'd be lying if I said I'm not worried.

Worried about meeting new people? No. Worried about the workload? A bit. Worried that I will be miserable, never get married, and hate my career? You bet your sweet ass I am!

Ok, I'm exaggerating. I'm sure I'll trick someone into marrying me. I'm sure I won't be miserable, or at least I won't know I'm miserable until it's too late. But the career thing. Holy guacamole, this is a huge investment. Four years of school, several more years doing a residency, 200K in debt, studying my arse off, etc. Imagine doing all that then realizing... "I shoulda gone to law school."

Maybe I'll do it all then be a housewife. That would be cool.

For now, I need to get through orientation and force myself to pay attention. I always miss something, like a deadline or details about a requirement. It's because I have ADD. No not really. I hate when people say that. EVERYONE has ADD, apparently. I think it's just a case of "when something is boring, I don't want to pay attention to it." Freaking people just want to make excuses. "I have a disorder."

Damn it all.

Speaking of ADD, what the hell was I saying?! Ah well, I should go finish up for the big move.

2007-08-07T17:30:00.000-04:00

You Make Me Better...

I'm partially obsessed with this song. Why?

-The words "You Make Me Better" are powerful. You should always be with someone who makes you better. But throughout the song, and I'm paraphrasing here, he says "I'm awesome, but you make me better" in several different ways: I'm a star, she's the sky, I'm a cake, she's the frosting. It's actually quite cute in a simple, cheesy way. And I feel the emphasis on the idea that he's just fine and dandy by himself ensures that people don't misinterpret the song to be a proclamation of codependence/low self estem. You know, he's not saying "I suck without you." Gosh it's great. Anyway, I should point out that a lot of the lyrics suck, but the concept is still great.

-The line: "I'm a movement by myself/but I'm a force when we're together." It makes me think of Physics. If movement is in terms of meters per second (m/s) and force is in terms of Newtons (kg*m/s^2), then that implies that his girlfriend is kg/s^2. Adorable, no? But wait. Somewhere earlier in the song he says "you plus me." So that means they're adding to each other. How can you add to a velocity to create force? I'm confused. I guess hip-hop stars are allowed to get away with fuzzy mathematics.

Ok, that was terrible. But I *always* think about that when I hear that line. I had to share. Back to normal reasons for loving a song:

-The beat is awesome.

-The video... is okay. I like the actress (Roselyn Sanchez) in it, which gives it a few extra points. She is very pretty and exotic looking. Again, it's not the most riveting video.

So yeah that's how I feel about this song. While popular music and hip hop has taken a turn for the worse lately, I am still finding some enjoyable stuff coming around, such as:

Stronger - Kanye West

(OMG AMAAAAAAZING SONG!)

The Way I Are - Timbaland & someone

(yes, blatant grammar error, but it's still a great song)

Delilah - Plain White Tees

(makes me sad)

And anything by Justin Timberlake or Nelly Furtado

OK, gotta run.

2007-08-06T19:31:00.000-04:00

Miami, Foreign Country

The lovely city of Miami from a cruise ship

So today I was entering my house address in online some financial aid form and when I hit "F" for state, "Foreign Country" came up. I laughed to myself, because Miami really is like a foreign country.

Later on in the day, I had a "Miami is a foreign country" experience when I dragged myself to the gym. I'm not gonna lie, I was not in a good mood. When you arrive at the gym, you give your membership number and the employee has to enter it and make sure it's you based on a photo they take when you sign up.

Fun fact: The name of the gym is Porky's. Just charming, isn't it?

Anyway, I got to the front counter and there was a middle aged woman at the computer. I smiled at her and barely got the first number out when she rudely barked: "En Espanol, por favor." Yes, "por favor" means please. I don't remember if she actually said please but I will try to keep the demonization of this foul woman to a minimum, since I admit I was in a shitty mood. So I slowly, clearly dished out my membership number in Spanish, digit by digit, with a smidgen of attitude, I'll admit. I will also admit that while speaking slowly added a dramatic effect, part of my reason for doing so was because it took me a while to process it all in Spanish. How VERY inconvenient for the customer! Anyway, instead of just opening the gate and letting me get to sweatin', she decided to ask (rudely) where I opened my membership, because my number was weird, I assume. Honestly, my picture was up on the screen and she was just being a pain in my un-worked out gluteus maximus. There was another guy behind the counter who witnessed all of this; he saw that I was already irritated at this wench's attitude, and he saw me give her the number in a very annoyed way. He said "don't worry about it, just go in" and I knew he knew that his coworker was just being a pain in the ass and that it wasn't an uncommon occurrence. She didn't like my attitude, but she started it.

What bugs me is that it's definitely not the first time I've been faced with being treated rudely for speaking English in Miami. As an immigrant myself, I would like to put it out there that I have NO PROBLEM with immigrants. It's great that people from other countries can come here and have a real life and live the so-called "American Dream." I do, however, have a problem with the attitude of many Hispanics in Miami. There is a sense of entitlement. They take it for granted that they've got a huge community of their own kind, that they don't have to feel like strangers in a strange land, because a giant part of the population is just like them. "Learn English", I'd like to say. But, I know that it is not easy to learn a new language, especially when you are older, especially when 90% of the people around you are not helping you practice because they're all speaking to you in Spanish. That's fine. It is a matter of circumstance, and the truth is, if my parents lived somewhere where 90% of the people around them were Lebanese, they probably wouldn't speak as much English (and Spanish) as they do now.

But this lady didn't even make the effort. Her job is to listen to people give me their membership numbers. All she needs to do is learn the ten possible digits that could make up a membership number. WTF. I can count to ten in half a dozen languages. It's not that hard. But FINE, maybe that's too difficult for her. I'd respect that too. But for her to sass me up and demand I tell her my number in Spanish. Harumph! She's got some nerve!

And she's not THAT new to the country, because she has been working at the gym for at least a year (I remember seeing her there last year). So PSSHHH.

Ok, now I'm done ranting. I wish I had pulled the "No habla Espanol" card on her. Because what business does a Lebanese chick have speaking Spanish? Of course, I look like any other Cuban girl so people automatically assume that I speak it.

I grew up this way. Everywhere I turned there was someone who didn't speak English, or who didn't even care to try. Welcome to Miami, bienvenido a Miami. Damn Will Smith and his catchy tunes.

As much as I may complain about it (in case you couldn't tell, I complain about it a lot), I must say growing up here gave me the chance to learn and practice Spanish as though living in a Spanish-speaking country. I can say that I (sadly) speak Spanish better than Arabic. I also know a lot about Latin culture, particularly the food. Holy yum. It still sucks sometimes. Especially since everyone just expects me to bust some salsa moves because they assume I'm Cuban, then they see the spasticity that is my attempt to dance. The fancy footwork, the spinning, it's just way too much for me. Hand me a pastelito and call it a night.

Sigh... wonderful Miami, land of beautiful beaches and fake knockers, home of terrible drivers and rude non-English speakers. I've only been here a month and I'm already sick of it. Luckily, I haven't been caught in any traffic jams or terrible thunderstorms. It's days like these that make me miss DC in all its glory.

But it has been a great summer here. Hanging out with buddies, going to the beach/pool, bowling at a place that we used to go to in high school (except now we can get the great beer specials), partying it up on South Beach, etc... I can't deny it's a fun place to be, as long as you speak Spanish and have a high tolerance for rude, loud people.

In other news... on my way to the gym, I was stopped at a light and, much to my surprise, a group of ducks walked by. A herd of ducks? A school? I don't know what the proper name for a collection of ducks is, but a gang of ducks was totally just walking by in front of my car, in a straight line, the way ducks do. It took them a minute to cross the intersection, and they veered toward the right and were on the street, in the way of oncoming traffic! I was so scared of seeing one of them get run over. But, amazingly, cars avoided the duckies and all was right in the world.

2007-07-30T14:50:00.000-04:00

I've neglected this blog, but with good reason. I'd say I've been partying like a rock star. Rock stars don't have time to blog.

But even in the beginning of my summer, when I would wake up at 1 pm and lounge around all day, I didn't write anything. I'm a slacker turned rock star and about to become stressed out medical student.

As a stressed out wannabe med student at good ol' Georgetown, I blogged a lot, so I guess that means come August 14, I'll be all up in this sheezy once again.

But for now, I want to brag about how awesome the past 10 days have been (pictures coming soon):

THE CRUISE... was tons of fun. Is there anything more relazing than being in the middle of the ocean, without a care in the world? The second we set foot on the deck of the ship, a waiter threw drinks in our hand.

Saturday at the Bahamas was pretty sweet. The place is kind of sad because you can see that the inhabitants of the island don't really have great lives, but they're stuck seeing tourists come in and spend wads of cash and litter their beaches and then get up and leave to their cushy homes with their nice cars and all that jazz. Sigh.

Anyway, we got to see Atlantis, a giant resort/hotel/casino/waterpark/aquarium/other stuff. Super nice. Again, kind of sad, because not even a mile away there are crappy roads and houses. We then rented jet skis. Tons of fun, and the highlight of the Bahamas for me.

We partied at Senor Frogs at night. We spent Sunday on the ship again, played some blackjack, and pulled an all nighter to watch the ship pull into the port of Miami at about 6 am. What a great city. I never thought I'd say that.

I spent the rest of the week at the beach when the weather permit it.

For the weekend, we had not one, but two nights at South Beach. Normally I'd cringe the thought of driving 30 minutes to South Beach, parking for 20 bucks, waiting in line, fighting the crowds, and paying for ridiculously overpriced drinks. But my relatively uneventful first 2 weeks here gave me an itch to party it up. Yes, I partied on the cruise. But I felt the urge to do the whole Miami/South Beach thing, considering my one month stay. So Friday night we went to Cameo, which is a ginormous club. It was crowded and we had to wait in line and pay to get in despite our "hook up." I bought a drink and, much to my dismay, the bartender let me know that there was a FIFTY DOLLAR credit card minimum. Welcome to Miami, I suppose. I got home at 6 am and slept the morning and early afternoon away.

Saturday night was significantly better. We went to a more upscale place called Karu & Y. No wait in line, no cover charge, no credit card minimum. Our evening began at midnight and ended with the usual really really late night munchies. Got home at 7.

Needless to say I partied it up and I'm partied out. For now. I feel like a tourist in my home town. It's great.

Moving to DC was such a good experience and it really let me appreciate Miami. And now it's off to Gainesville, which I'm sure will make me feel bad for ever taking Miami for granted.

In two weeks and one day, I'll be sitting at orientation. As excited as I was about all this UF med school stuff last week, I'm starting to get more and more anxious about the monstrous amounts of studying I will be facing. But I'm still excited.

2007-07-20T10:03:00.000-04:00

Take You On a Cruise...

I'm going on my first cruise evarrrrr today! It's going to be Monica, her sis, her sis' friend, and little old me.

I'm not gonna lie, I'm psyched!!! I needed this vacation. Why did I need this vacation? I have spent the last two weeks doing absolutely nothing with my life here at home, sleeping in (till 3 pm the other day), lounging around... I need this (?)

Ok, I don't really need it. But I want it!

Last night I dreamt I took that Neuroscience final on a computer and that I ran out of time. Why is it that, a month and a half after classes have ended, I'm still dreaming about school? Yikes. In no time I'll be in school again. See? I kind of need the vacation!

I'm listening to Interpol "Take You On A Cruise" just to get pumped. Unfotunately, Interpol is not the best pump-you-up music. I may come to their concert in September thoough!

Speaking of concerts, Matis Yahu/311 was amazing!

Ok! Time to finish packing.

2007-07-13T18:52:00.000-04:00

Home sweet home.

I've been here for six days and I'm bored out of my mind. It's been a relaxing week (somewhat). I have quite the to-do list with very little energy/desire/motivation to do stuff.

So, each day I've woken up at noon, enjoyed long breakfasts, and spent lots of time on the internet (youtube, facebook, tv-links). Once or twice in the day I do something slightly productive. I'm so damn lazy. From this laziness, comes boredom.

At night I've been doing low-key stuff, like playing monopoly and watching TV. My body is in shock. I'd gotten used to partying every night. I think this is making the boredom even more boring.

But today, in my pathetic attempt to be "productive," I organized all of the papers I've received from UF. I found a nifty little manual made for incoming students. As I flipped through it, it really hit me. I'm going to medical school.

(yay)

I'm freaking excited. Reading about all the classes I'll be taking and what my next four years are going to be like got me all eager (really). I like being busy and stressed out. And no matter what, nothing can be worse than this past year at G-town (freakin' torture).

I mean, I'm not that excited about the classes; it's more about the experiences I'll have. If I managed to have fun and feel great this past year, I know that the next four are going to be ridiculous. And by ridiculous, I mean freakin' awesome.

In other news, I'll be going on my first cruise EVER in exactly one week. OMG SUPER EXCITING!!!

Furthermore, it is Friday. There's GOT to be something to do tonight.

2007-07-08T01:37:00.000-04:00

I'm home!

It's been almost a year since I moved out of my house for the first time. I'll be here for a month then it's off to sunny Gainesville, where the gators roam and bars close at 2 am.... sigh.

My last night in DC was fun, spent in great company, dancing and enjoying life.

What a year it's been. I go back and read the posts from a year ago, whIen I was nervous about moving away, nervous about this crazy program, etc. I've grown a lot since then, both spiritually and horizontally (damn good food in DC, what can I say?)

As anticipated, the year was stressful and fun, and I met so many awesome people. It was sad to say goodbye to most of them, but I know we will meet again someday. If not, there's always facebook, which keeps you informed on everyone's biznass.

I'm exhausted. I should rest up for my long, busy day. You know, all that lying down in the sand gets tiring after a while...

2007-07-01T21:19:00.000-04:00

12 page paper, due tomorrow.

It's the last thing we need to do to get our masters degree.

Many of my classmates finished it during the first week of summer, and had the satisfaction of wiping their hands clean of it all.

Most people had some sort of panic attack earlier this week and got started and finished sometime this weekend.

Then there's me.

I haven't even written a page yet. It's due tomorrow. I don't know if "tomorrow" means 11:59 pm, but at the rate I'm going, that's when I'll be getting it turned in.

Whatever. I don't care.

(Ok fine, I do)

If I get an A on this paper, I will continue with this self-destructive procrastination behavior. (I'll also be a badass). In the interest of learning my lesson, I hope I get a big, fat B. Perhaps I won't make the deadline and get knocked down a grade. Ooooh. Exciting, no?

Not in the least bit.

Aaaaaaaaaand I'm still writing. Why? Because I don't want to write this paper. It's 9:30 pm. There's a big pot of coffee waiting for me in the kitchen.

It's my last Sunday in DC. I suppose it's fitting that this Sunday was spent in isolation, frustration, and cracked-outedness from energy drinks, since that's how I spent lots of Sundays this year. Monday exams suck.

In between phone calls, AIM conversations, and research, I found out some very yummy news: There are two Chipotles in Gainesville, and both are pretty close to UF. Ohhhhhh yeahhhhhh!

OK. Time to face reality. I am going to finish this paper, even if it means no sleep. You don't want to know me tomorrow, though.

2007-06-30T17:47:00.001-04:00

I was almost killed last night...

And by "killed" I mean beaten up by a very sassy, very drunk guy (who I confused for a girl at first)

Check it:

So, I'm standing outside of Gazuza @ Dupont Circle, a chic, cheeky shisha bar/lounge. A group of young people passes by, and I am bumped into by a skinny, androgynous individual carrying a skateboard. I turn to look at the offender, who took the time to turn around, give me the dirtiest look, and stare me up and down as though I just said his momma was a two-bit ho. So all I'm thinking is, WTF? I was just standing here and this a-hole totally bumped into me and had the NERVE to stare me down like that. I didn't say anything to this cheeky bastard because I was in shock that he was giving me this attitude. So he turns away and walks and I turn to my friends mutter something along the lines of "Did you what she just did?!? Wow" At that point, I thought the offender was female, because said offender was walking with a bunch of very masculine females, and it is Dupont Circle (ie lots of gender blurring) ANYWAY, about 30 seconds pass and I look over and see the skateboard holding psycho walking toward me yelling "What did you say to me? Bitch! Don't stand there calling me a faggot!!!" It was then that I went from offended to absolutely confused/scared as hell. I don't remember exactly what I said to him/her/it, but it was something along the lines of "I didn't say ANYTHING!" I'm not gonna lie, I was giving him/her/it some attitude. There was some more all-up-in-my face action from him, then he walked away, then turned around and yelled: "BITCH, I GOT A JOB. I'M HIGH CLASS, BITCH!" Now, it was here where the confusion/fear transformed into utter amusement. Ah, the irony. I glanced over, and saw two security guards of some variety nearby, and therein grew some balls. "Yes, honey, I can see that you are SOOOO high class, acting like that. Look at ALLLLLL THAT CLASS!" (include hand gestures and very sarcastic voice).

And then, he charged at me.

I think I pooped in my pants a little.

Luckily, his friend held him back, my friend got in his face, all's well that ends well, no?

Ok, my bad for even bothering answering back or giving attitude. But it really provided for an entertaining 3 minutes of our evening.

Moral of the story: Drunk people act like idiots.

2007-06-29T12:21:00.000-04:00

An anniversary, an old post, and insomnia...

So... it's been 8 days since I wrote the following post. I don't know why I didn't actually post it, but it was saved as a draft. Nothing extraordinary, but it *is* 8 am, and I *did* wake up early as hell (6 am) on account of I've got a headache the size of Montana. (((sidenote: I realize that severity of pain cannot normally be expressed in terms of square footage of a large State, but I'm cool enough to pull it off.))) Because of this throbbing in my cranium, I thought it would be easier to copy/paste the old stuff and add to it instead of actually rewriting the riveting Mariana life update, ya know? K here it goes:

6/20/2007

Oh blog world... I've been too busy for you lately.

So this is week 2 or 3 of my summer, and I don't have much to say for myself. I didn't write my paper yet (don't even have the research done), I haven't found a place to live for next year, and I haven't packed up my stuff for the move back home (July 7th is the official date). I've just been hanging out and hanging around, playing video games with my friends, going out, and cooking. I *am* having fun, though. And what's more important than having fun??? Nothing.
I want to spend my last two weeks here relaxing and enjoying wonderful DC, but it seems as though I'll spend them the way I spent the rest of the year: balancing working all day and partying whenever given the chance. Perhaps my month in Miami will be more relaxing... Then it's on to Gainesville/med school, where I can count on being incredibly busy for the next 4 years. I'm 2 parts excited, 1 part nervous about my new adventure. UF is a great school, I just hope my classmates, most of whom are Florida residents, don't suck.

Anyway, I have nothing of importance to blog about. My life is good but messy, fun but complicated. But it's nothing blog-worthy or bloggable. And so, I leave you with some pictures. Soon I'll write a tribute to the wonderful G-town SMP program. Or maybe I won't.
-The End

And here I sit, today, on this lovely 28th day of June. What has changed in the past week? My future roomate found an apartment, I packed and sent most of my stuff home, and I kind of, sort of started my paper. I'm still not doing anything remarkable with my life, and it feels strange and wonderful. Life is still good, less messy, still fun, and slightly more complicated. Sigh.

Sadly, my one year blog anniversary came and went. I made this blog one year and a couple of days ago with the intention of logging my wonderful adventures in Lebanon. Limited access to the internet and other factors (ie having cooler things to do) caused me to slack. For no good reason whatsoever, I decided to keep the blog and talk about my life and opinions. Poor you. And, for some odd reason, I just felt a wave of sleepiness. Time to try to get an extra hour or five of sleep before I begin a long day of scientific journal reading/paper writing. Don't be too jealous.

2007-06-14T17:32:00.000-04:00

Helloooo world.

I'm back, beetches.

I caved in and bought a laptop yesterday. It cost $399 brand new at Best Buy.

Now, I know what you're thinking... What kind of POS laptop did this poor silly girl buy?

A very, very shitty one.

It's got 512 MB of RAM, which is fine and dandy normally, but apparently Windows Vista should be run with at least 1 GB.

Needless to say, the computer was going pretty slowly yesterday when I was having the usual 6 simultaneous conversations on AIM while also browsing Facebook.

Today it hasn't acted up really. I think it sensed my anger.

Anyway, enough about that... I would like to take this opportunity to admit that I have a problem. I am addicted to the internet. I have been so lost without it. I'm not the same person. But that's not why I got the laptop. I got it because we have a paper to write and I'll be DAMNED if you think I'm making the trek to school in 95 degree weather. Uphill. Both ways.

I have a lot to blog about. Nothing necessarily interesting, relevant, or important... but just stuff. The end of this program was intensely intense. I officially passed Neuroscience (miracle).

For now, I must feed my face. I'll be back sooner than you can say "Glossopharyngeal Nerve."

2007-06-05T14:00:00.000-04:00

WOOOO HOOOO

Took my last exam yesterday.

Now it's time to get to all the stuff I've neglected because of school, including, but not limited to:

-Get laptop fixed
-Clean apartment
-exercise
-tan
-read a book
-brush my hair
-pack stuff
-learn more about where I will be spending the next 4 years of my life (omg omg omg, so exciting!)

For now, I have to run around and find a dress for our end-of-the-year banquet. It's going to be very classy. The classiest shit-show of the year.

I am thinking I will cry when I have to say good bye to some of the people here (especially after 4 hours of open bar).

Thank goodness for waterproof makeup.

2007-05-31T01:19:00.000-04:00

My laptop, is FUCKED. There, I said it.

I have to send it back to HP and get a new hard drive, according to my computer nerd brother. Bah humbug. It's barely been 10 months! This is annoying and heartbreaking. I would readily give up my television before I give up my computer. The internet... what a glorious invention. How can I live without it?! Sigh...

In other news... I now officially know where I will be going to medical school. Yes, University of Florida, here I come!!!

I was accepted there on June 15, but I was still waiting on a decision from Georgetown. I would've probably still picked Florida over G-town, but you never know, you know?

The HOYAS did not find me worthy of their over-rated, over-priced, moldy school.

Ok, ok, I'm being a bitter betty. The truth is I probably didn't deserve an interview to begin with. Not because I suck, but because so many other people rock in my program. They put in the hours and got the grades. I also put in the hours, but not nearly as many. And it showed in my grades.

Also, I shouldn't be bitter because I was 80% sure I was going to Florida. The idea of facing such a big decision scared the crap out of me. I hate making decisions.

Enough about that... I'm excited to be a Gator. Yes, Gainesville will be boring, but considering the amount of alcohol I have consumed here in lovely D.C., I believe a calm place with bars that close early is precisely what I need for the next four, career shaping years of my life.

The binge drinking, my goodness! This program drives people to insanity, I swear.

But holy crap what a year it's been. I'm already sad that I have to say good bye to so many awesome people. Monday is our last exam, and then we have a banquet on Wednesday, and that's it. It all went by so quickly!

I am staying in DC till July and I'm hoping to party it up. But before that, I need a break from it all. A break from school, AND a break from partying. Honestly, I made up for 4 years of living at home for undergrad in the past month here.

My self destructive behavior, which happens to be common in physicians, should come to an end once I start med school. It *is* Gainesville, however... that means tons of crazy college parties, accompanied by amazing sports and lots of school spirit. Oh dear.

As it turns out, I have not really studied yet for this exam. This is preposterously terrible. But I can honestly say, for the first time all year, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN.

Wow that feels great.

It also feels great to curse on my blog, too. I tried to keep it PG just in case med schools somehow could find it. Yes, I'm that paranoid.

And now, it is with great pleasure that I say: Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

2007-05-25T14:57:00.000-04:00

Big ups to my little bro Danny... He won a medal for being the top math student, and he got a score of 5 out of 5 on his FCAT in math. FCAT = Florida's Comprehensive Assessment Test. It's awful. In high school we had weeks of "FCAT preparation" because apparently, having a high average score for the school was more important than learning.

At any rate, I'm proud of the kid. He's got so much potential! And even though he's in his awkward puberty stage, he is still adorable.

In other news, I held a last minute bake sale yesterday. The thought of it not being successful actually stressed me out (a lot). It's this ridiculous perfectionism that propels me to stress for no good reason. I guess it's kind of a weakness and a strength. I was worried that there wouldn't be enough/too much goods to sell, not enough people would buy the stuff, I wouldn't make much money, it would be time wasted, I didn't have enough help... the list goes on. Actually, it was a LOT of fun. I sold every last crumb. I had good help, and we banked! We made about 140 bucks!!! All proceeds are going toward the purchase of bed nets for children in Kenya; these nets help prevent malaria infection at the time it's most likely to occur (at night).

It feels nice to do stuff like that.

There is officially one week of classes left. Then an exam on June 4th, and a banquet on June 6th. It's friggin' sad, I'm not gonna lie.

Everyone's starting to find out where they will go to med school or IF they will go to med school next year. For some people, it's the most stressed out they've ever been in their lives. I feel terrible for them but these are the things that make us stronger.

I can't help but remember this time last year, I was on my way to Lebanon (or maybe I had just arrived), completely uncertain of what life had in store for me. I had been rejected from med school, and lots of other not so wonderful things were going on. I was completely uncertain about whether or not I really wanted medicine. I got accepted to this Georgetown program and couldn't help but wonder if it would be worth it or not. About $50,0000 later, I can say this has been an amazing year- completely worth it. I am sure I want to go to med school, and I'm happy. Last year there is no way I could've imagined that things would brighten up the way they did.

Speaking of bright, the sun is shining and I want to get outside! I should study or clean the apartment, but "should" is not a fun word, now is it?

2007-05-22T00:17:00.000-04:00

The stars have been on the money lately. I read my horoscope almost every day from a couple of different places sometimes; Astrology.com sends me a combined one for Sun, Rising, and Moon signs, I usually grab the free newspaper (Washington Post: Express) and read it there, and every once in a while I hit up MSN or Yahoo, too. I also get a tarot card reading from MSN every now and then.

I guess to the non-astrologically inclined this may seem a bit much. And it probably is. But I don't take it (or myself) seriously, and I don't let things like this guide my life or anything stupid like that. I just use certain things I read to help me learn about myself (oh yeah, cheesy). Some days the horoscope will say "you are likely to be in a firey mood" and I'll totally try to be conscious of that throughout the day. Does it work? Sometimes. Then again, I'm always on fire.

Anywho, lately every horoscope has been pretty accurate. Frighteningly accurate, I'd say. It's just letting me know I am really connected with the universe (geez Louise, more cheesiness!).

I guess I can attribute it to the fact that I'm really content with life as a whole right now. I wish that others around me could be as fortunate, but I have faith that good things will come to them in their due time. This program is freaking crazy, and so many fellow students are struggling with the idea of not getting into medical school this year. It is tough to think that after all this hard work, there's still another year of working somewhere crappy, and reapplying, which involves a lot of time, money, and essays. Damn those essays.

It's certainly time to get ready for school. Ta ta.

2007-05-16T01:06:00.000-04:00

What do a walrus and a tupperware have in common.?

They're both looking for a tight seal!

(tee-hee)

I have to thank Arjun for that one.

2007-05-14T06:14:00.000-04:00

It's 6 am.

Neuro exam in 3 hours...

This is the scariest exam I've ever faced.

( :-O

2007-05-10T00:20:00.000-04:00

I scrolled down a few posts ago, where I mentioned one of the best songs of all time, Natasha Bedingfield's "Unwritten"

Here are the lyrics... Although they're only half of what makes the song great. The other half = the music itself. Very inspirational sounding and stuff...

Natasha Bedingfield - Unwritten Lyrics
I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inner visions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inner visions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Grrrreat song. Really.

Anyway, right now I'm actually listening to another one of the best songs ever: "Aqueous Transmission" by Incubus... Incredibly calming song.

My apartment smells like a bakery. The oatmeal cookies came out okay... pretty ugly looking but they're tasty. *Borat voice* Great success!!!

2007-05-09T20:48:00.000-04:00

A couple of things before I get to cooking and studying:

-NyQuil is amazing, and should be the number one treatment for insomnia (I'm cured, I'm cured!)

-I saw a toddler at the supermarket today, in his little car-shaped shopping cart (those things are nifty!) I waved at him and he smiled and then gushed with laughter and it just made me want a baby. (Yeah, I'm still on that)

-I really want to bake yummy delightful things. And I'm going to. While listening to Neuroscience lectures, of course. This is my first attempt at making cookies from scratch. I'm gonna make some brownies (from a mix) also just in case the cookies are a disaster.

-The baby thing and the cooking thing may indicate a ticking biological clock/the desire to be like my very domestically apt mother, but trust me, I'm not ready to be an adult, let alone have kids. Doesn't change the fact that they're cute... I guess what I really want is the chance to be around babies/toddlers for a little while every week. Is that too much to ask? Maybe I'll become a babysitter...

-I'm not gonna lie, this upcoming exam is frightening. I'm afraid, I'm very afraid.

On that note, that's all for now.

2007-05-08T01:27:00.000-04:00

A few things:

-The last episode of The Office was hysterical.

-Tonight's episode of Heroes was (as expected) great

-I really should be sleeping right now, but I can't

-This month is the most insane of all months. Academically, that is.

-Spring is here and it's *so nice*; the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and there are flowers all over the place. And I have to study all week (boo).

-I heard the word "Demerit" today (on The Office). It reminded me of a time when adults could impose silly disciplinary actions like demerits and detentionsn. In highschool it was "CSI." No, not, Crime Scene Investigation, but something else. It was basically indoor suspension. That seems so long ago...

-Avril Lavigne is awesome in so many ways.

-I learned a new word: "procrastibation" (tee-hee)

-I want a baby

-Chai Lattes are probably the best thing that's ever happened to tea

-About the baby, I was just kidding (kind of).

-There are two more exams left in the year. Thank-freakin'-goodness.

-Taking Endocrinology (and almost any med school classes) gets me in total hypochondriac mode. Like, for example, I believe I have some sort of strange condition (overstimulation of the Sympathetics? Hyperthyroidism without the weight loss?) where I'm way too mega hyperactive and it makes me not be able to sleep and then I'm up at some ungodly hour blogging about nothing of particular importance.

2007-05-07T03:03:00.000-04:00

Caffeine coursing through my vasculature,
Cortisol all over the place,
this stuff would be more enjoyable to learn
if there weren't an exam to face

(in 6 hours)

2007-04-26T01:23:00.000-04:00

Today we had a class meeting to discuss our end of the year paper and "second year strategy" for those individuals who aren't lucky enough to be accepted into medical school for 2007. During this little speech, I glanced around the classroom in my usual ADD way. Somber looks everywhere. If a stressometer existed, the needle would swing quickly all the way to the maximum value, and probably get stuck there.

It sucks.

So many great people in my program are still waiting to hear back from schools. Others didn't even get interviews. Day in, day out, it's stress, stress, stress!

The annoying part is that so many times, there's no rhyme or reason behind the whole process. Some really qualified, smart, personable people just don't get interviews/acceptances. The opposite goes for some not-so-qualified, not-so-smart people...

Something that lots of people in class have noticed is that WAY more girls have been accepted somewhere than guys. I thought maybe it was a "minority" thing (like in engineering, women get scholarships because there are so few of them, etc), but I'm starting to realize it may be something else; women have the whole "emotional intelligence" aspect on their sides. Interviewers are often looking for someone who is personable, someone who can show empathy. They are looking for an individual who will help patients feel comfortable. And what's more comforting than a mother's care? Who's easier to talk to? Confide in? Who's just oozing "trust me"??? Chicks! (note: Yes, this is a gross overgeneralization. Exceptions definitely exist, as anyone who has ever known women of the "cold hearted bitch" variety can tell you).

Women have the unfair advantage of being equipped to care, or at least they're assumed to be. I remember that in elementary school, most of the teachers were women. And by most, I mean 80-90%. In the ten years between Pre-Kinder and 8th grade, I had one male teacher. Will medicine be this way someday? (I can see my male peers shudder)... Of course not, that's preposterous.

Although this woman-bias has probably helped me a great deal, I cannot say it is completely fair. Yes, empathy is important. But it is by no means sufficient to make a great doctor. Without going into a great deal of detail as to why this female bias, if it does actually exist, is wrong, I'll just say this: getting into medical school is so damn hard and seeing tons great male candidates suffer while some not as great female candidates are getting in makes my stomach turn a little.

BUT, such is life. C'est la vie. Asi es la vida.

The med school admissions process is extremely flawed, no question about it. "Crapshoot" is one of those buzzwords I've heard a million times this year, and I can't deny that it's pretty true.

I don't know if the male/female imbalance exists outside our little torture chamber of a program. But I sure as hell know of lots of other unfair, illogical, crapshoot-esque instances in the admissions process both inside and outside of this program that really stink. It's about who you know, how much you donate, and schmoozing. There are games and there's ass kissing. There are ridiculous quotas. There's lots of other stuff that makes me work out my eye-rolling muscles. But, again, that's life. Just gotta deal with it and try your best to ignore the unfairness and try as hard as possible anyway.

I imagine that when the acceptances from Georgetown arrive in the next couple of weeks, the proverbial poop is going to hit the fan for some people. I don't even want to be around to see it.

There are so many people I am rooting for, and I know it's going to stink if they don't get in this year. I think that not getting in this year is not the worst thing in the world, it's a break before getting in next year. But not too many of my classmates would agree. The application process is truly awful, and having to retake the MCAT is a nightmare. Sigh.

I personally am keeping these stubby digits crossed for an acceptance, also. Staying in DC would make me so happy. I've grown to love this home away from home. The beauty of spring has only made it harder for me to cope with the idea of leaving. Maybe summer will help me change my mind...

2007-04-25T09:28:00.000-04:00

Ok...

So Relay for Life was a lot of fun! Very tiring, and there were some chunks of time where I felt as though I wanted nothing more than a soft warm bed. The highlights:

-Hypnotist! I believe in hypnosis, and this is the first time I got to see it performed on people. I was originally in front of the audience, but when the hypnotist said "you cannot open your eyes" I did. She made me go sit in the audience. It was still cool!

-Luminaria ceremony. This included turning on some lights all around the track for anyone we knew who suffered from cancer, followed by walking in silence for all of the victims of cancer. It was very moving. Some sad music was playing the whole time, but the last song was "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield. That song is amazingly good! One of my favorites. I'll post the lyrics when I get the chance.

I'd say those were the two main highlights for me. Our tent was the only one containing sober people (that's kinda sad!) We played lots of silly camp games and took some naps. We also ate a lot. I didn't take any pictures (I'm a bum!)

The next day we had a softball game, in which we OBLITERATED the competition. Last game of the season (there were only 4!).

That's the really really abridged version of my weekend. Now I have to run to school!

2007-04-21T13:15:00.000-04:00

Tonight is Relay For Life!!! Super exciting!

I appreciate all of the support I receieved. I raised more than 400 smackaroos!

I imagine tonight will be memorable and fun. I'll post some pics later.

I also have my second softball game today at 4. Despite my complete lack of depth perception and/or athletic ability, I had a blast last time, and actually managed to hit the ball. Hold your applause, it's slow-pitch softball. The ball we use could almost qualify as a volleyball.

This week has been majorly busy for me and I imagine it's only going to get worse as the semester progresses. Hopefully the exhaustion will correct my insomnia (3 weeks, going on strong).

I just got super side-tracked and forgot what I was going to write about.

All I know right now is that I am OBSESSED with this Gym Class Heroes band. I mean, covering a Supertramp song indicates that they are pretty amazing. And thanks to you tube I've sampled some of their other stuff. Two stubby thumbs up!

2007-04-14T21:20:00.000-04:00

Dinner, Breakfast, and Lunch.

I'm taking a small study break to eat dinner and write about food (one of my favorite subjects!)

I want to know who decided what people should eat at different times of day.

Like, for example, why do people always recoil in terror when I have chicken for breakfast?

Why do parents get mad when their children want to eat cereal for dinner? Or a bagel?

I've always enjoyed having breakfast food for lunch or dinner. As I grew older and began placing more importance on breakfast, I started doing the pizza for breakfast thing.

I mean, I loooooove cereal, bagels, pancakes, French toast (mmm), and other breakfast foods, but, realistically, these are probably the worst breakfast foods ever. Where's the protein? You eat that stuff at 8 am, and at 11 the hypoglycemia has you seeing double!

My breakfasts are usually something protein packed, a fruit and some coffee. Besides fried eggs and the occasional bagel/English muffin, nothing I eat is really normal breakfast food. Boca burgers, roast beef sandwiches, turkey and ham sandwiches with hot sauce (Siracha, it's amazingly good), peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, pizza, and the occasional leftover chicken breast.

As much as I'd love to keep talking about food... I just got a call from Jackie, my old highschool pal who also lives here in DC. We're gonna go grab a drink. Yes, that's irresponsible of me. No, I don't care.

I was totally gonna stay home and only pseudo study anyway.

And tomorrow, for breakfast, I'm having a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Deal with it.

2007-04-14T00:55:00.000-04:00

So, a good friend asked me what my "Dream of dreams" would be...

That's a toughie, especially since I can barely decide what to eat for lunch every day.

I guess there are some basic elements that are in my dream life, including, but not limited to:

taveling a lot
having children
having a garden

Yeah. Simple, cheesy, and unoriginal.

I guess it's easier for me to think about my dream for next year.

I hope to be at a great medical school. I hope to live someplace where I can spend a lot of time outside without perspiring 2.5 gallons-worth. Somewhere interesting and exciting. I hope my classmates are cool people. The kind of people that would still be fun after 4 years of psychoticness.

That's about all for now.

Refreshing to think of nice stuff. It's been a long, looong day. Friday the 13th lived up to its reputation today, for sure. But it's over now, tomorrow's a new day. April 14. Four months till I turn 24.

yikes

2007-04-13T05:42:00.000-04:00

It's 5:45 am..... do you know where my sleepiness is???

CAUSE I SURE DON'T!!!

Yeah, I'm just going to whine about my insomnia. I have nothing better to talk about and I'm hoping this will maybe bore me to death and cause me to doze off... Not likely. I'm easily amused.

Anyway...

Wednesday night,I successfully fell asleep at around 11:30 pm, with only about 3-4 incidences of waking up. I owe this to the copious amounts of alcohol ingested earlier in the evening; we all went to a wine tasting (3 whole sips!), and then to a bar (a lot more sips!). I made it to class on Thursday (all FIVE of them) and only fell asleep in one of them (it was horrifically boring).

So Thursday evening, after tutoring the rambunctious Howard, I headed over to a bar to meet with my future kickball team. There's a huge kickball organization here in DC where you make a team/league, play once a week at a specified location, then go to a bar in the area and play flip cup. Such fun! I missed the game because of tutoring, but I suck at sports anyway, so it's all gravy. I thought I'd suck at flip cup but I was pretty decent.

I'm excited about the kickball thing. A chance to meet new people, and not think about school or exams or any of that bologna. Yes, bologna. I can't bring myself to write "baloney" for some odd reason.

So after playing about 100,000 games of flip cup, I'd say I was pretty buzzed. Hopped on a bus and got home. Talked on the phone for a while, then hit the sack with great ease and grace. THEN, 2 hours later (approximately 3 am) BOOM I'm wide awake. I got some sporadic light sleep between then and now.

WTF, yo?

I guess I'm just gonna study Endocrinology until it's time for class. This is low-yield, ineffective study time. But hey, at least I'll be studying...

I just know that I will have to avoid human contact of any sort on this fine Friday, for anyone who crosses my sleepless path will suffer my wrath and anger.

Speaking of wrath and anger, someone, who we'll call John Doe, thinks I'm a hypocrite. Wait, let's call him Joe Dohn. Or how about Joe Dill. Yeah.

Anyway, Joe Dill claims I am a hypocrite because today I made a mean comment about someone's face.

AHEM. I do not claim to not make fun of people. All I was trying to say in the last post is that I loved my childhood, despite being made fun of and all that. I never said "OH MY GOD THE INHUMANITY. NO ONE SHOULD EVER MAKE FUN OF ANYONE, EVER!!!"

In an ideal world, fine, you shouldn't make fun of people. But this world is far from ideal, dear.

Buuuuut, I'm all about self-improvement through learning and adaptation, and so, I will agree that I shouldn't make fun of people in a mean way. But when it's in a joking way, it's all gravy. I will make a conscious effort to stop. Allrighty then.

Thank you, Mr. Dill, for helping me be a better person.... : )

Moving right along, and back to my insomnia, the pressure to perform is ON!

I was waitlisted at the lovely and wonderful University of Florida, my top choice, my dream school, the place to be.

Know what that means? That means I'll be more of a nutcase, trying to prove to them that I am worthy and that I want it so badly it hurts. How? Getting STRAIGHT A's.

And so maybe that's why I couldn't sleep tonight. Or maybe my body hates me. Whatever it may be, I need it to stop.

How am I supposed to be clear minded and ready to tackle the day? A good night's sleep is essential! Besides foggy-mindedness, lack of sleep has been linked to weight gain (really, I'm not making excuses), crabbiness, and an increased likelihood to injure oneself.

So all in all, if this lack of sleep becomes a regular thing, I'll be an oversized angry spaz.

Oh wait...

2007-04-11T01:42:00.000-04:00

Another sleepelss night...

Last night, I was plagued by insomnia.

Tonight is proving to be no different.

It's annoying!!! Last night the sleepytime tea didn't work too well, at least not until about 8 am when I should've been up and on my way to class.

What IS IT? Is it the weather? Is it the obnxoxious sound the radiator makes? I turned that POS on last Thursday so that Monica wouldn't be cold, and all it did was annoy the crap out of us. It's impossible to turn it off. I try to tighten the thingie with as much force as humanly possible, but the stupid thing just hisses away.

I'm a weeeee bit frustrated!

Missing class sucked. I DID get a lot of stuff done, however, so I feel slightly better about it.

Tomorrow we only have one class, but it's at 9 am. This 9 am garbage is torture. I'm almost positive I'll miss the stupid class, which is not good.

Ok, enough grumpy stuff.

On a lighter note, 2 of my cousins from Lebanon, Alain and Michelle are in Montreal with their parents, and there's a webcam where they're staying. I got to see their cute little faces while they frantically typed in broken English on MSN. I love those kids!

Talking to children always makes me feel good. They are so different, their lives are not plagued by constant worry and fretfulness. It's like they're a different species. Or aliens. It's so refreshing to talk to the little creatures or watch them in action. Even the 12-14 year olds, in all their pubertal awkwardness and angst, with those pimple-ridden faces, can be somewhat charming. It's rare, but it happens. My little brother is the coolest kid in town. 12 years old, funny as hell!

Kids bring me back to my childhood. Yes, the childhood which was wrought with mean classmates and being ridiculed. Yes, the childhood where I was the huge obnoxious nerd who ran like a duck and had buck teeth. I got made fun of for lots of other stuff, too. It was painfully annoying. In retrospect, any adult would look at me as a child and say there's nothing wrong with this kid, needs some braces, but she's healthy and smart, comes from a great family. But when you're a kid, how do you know how lucky you really are?

It took me a while to get over the hurt from being made fun of so much. I'd say I really got over it at 22. No exaggeration. The kids were really mean.

In highschool I didn't get made fun of really, but the low self esteem was still there, going on strong. I managed to have an amazing experience regardless!

Nowadays, I'd say my life has been refocused to more important things. I still have the big teeth, and I'm still awkward as hell. At least I learned how to run properly (phew).

No more self hatred and thinking life really sucks. Yippeeee!

I wouldn't say I'm oooozing confidence, either. I just learned to accept the things I couldn't change and to get off my lazy ass and change the stuff I could change. Yes, that's the Mariana version of St. Francis' prayer (I think that's the one). I also learned to count my blessings. That helps me ignore all the not so great stuff (ie the double chin and the terrible tendency to say things I shouldn't)...

Digression about being overweight:
I apply the "prayer" to weight issues, mainly. Like every other female, there are days when I wake up and feel like a blimp. An extra-large, Goodyear blimp. And there are months like that, too. Although I exercise regularly and kind of eat healthy, I could afford to lose a few pounds. And by a few, I mean 15. But, unlike many of my fellow females, I have found a no BS approach that keeps me from becoming a helpless, pathetic, self-hating chubster when a blimp day rears its ugly head. AND NO, it's not: "Screw everyone, I don't care what they think. People should love me for who I am." This is a nice idea, but it's garbage. OF COURSE I CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK. I care. I'm human (kind of). And sure, I want people to like me for who I am, but if I'm not happy about who I am, it's gonna affect everything! It's a well known fact that a huge turn off for a woman is feeling unattractive.

And if it's something I can change, why not change it if it bothers me?!?! I refuse to fall into a spiral of self hatred and depression for something like weight, which can be fixed with WILLPOWER and EXERCISE. So, to all you fatties out there, quit whining and get off your oversized booty and DO something about it. And I don't mean stomach stapling or diet pills. Eat a salad, walk a mile, and quit your bitchin'. Until then, remember that there are people out there who think big girls need love too, and there are people out there who like plus sized mamas, but if you can't find these mythical people, I think my advice is golden. Accept it or change it, Lolita....

I dish this out, but I can't say there aren't days that I'm like "boo-hoo I'm fat." But it's not terrible, I promise.

Back to being made fun of: I actually still get lots of insults from my buddies, but it's all in good fun, and it's mainly because I hang out with too many guys. They throw in fat jokes, too, which is a good indicator that I'm not really FAT AS HELL (if I were, they wouldn't say that...) I usually participate and throw in some self-deprecating commentary, mainly because I'm so much wittier than most of my friends. And quicker, too! Also, super modest! YEAH!

I partly owe my liberation from the shackles of low self esteem to Aldo, who made fun of me so much that I became numb to insults and really good at dishing them out. If I told him that something really bugged me, he said it more until I just got over it. It was annoying as hell, but quite effective.

How did I get here? What was I talking about?

Ah, yes... childhood. In the end, despite how much I thought life sucked as a child, I remember my childhood fondly, especially when I hang out with young children.

As much as I love the little poop factories, I am terrified of having my own. TERRIFIED!

OK, now that I've bored myself and you to death, it's time to try to sleep again.

Insomnia sucks.

2007-04-09T00:39:00.000-04:00

I haven't blogged in a while, on account of:
1) I had my Physiology final last Monday and have been partying ever since
2) Monica came to visit because we got "Easter Break" which means no class Friday or Monday (tomorrow).

Her visit has proven to be tons of fun! It's like I'm on vacation too!

On Thursday night she got here and barely had the chance to drop off her luggage before we were out partying at Dupont Circle with my classmates.

Friday we didn't do much during the day (it's been freakishly cold) then we went out to Adams Morgan for yet another night of FUN! It snowed (freak weather) which was great for Monica. It was her first time seeing snow fall. I was not so excited.

The snow was light, the next day there was just a little bit of snow sprinkled here and there. Monica was all giddy about it (see below)...

Saturday I took her to see the Monuments (Washington, Lincoln... *yawn*). Much to my dismay, the Cherry Blossoms were all dead (damn freak weather).
Saturday evening I hosted a game night (so much fun!)
We played three rowdy rounds of Taboo then some drinking games... It was intense (as usual), but everyone had a pretty good time!

Today, Easter Sunday, we went to Church then had an Easter egg hunt. Pffft. Just kidding.

What really happened: we sat around like lazy people watching TV all day and just "chillin." We ate at a Thai restaurant then went over to a friend's house to watch Entourage.

Now we're just sitting around, her: stuck to the phone, me: stuck to the computer. We would be lost without our electronic devices!

It's been an awesomely fun weekend. Tomorrow we'll do lunch at Georgetown then she's going to the airport. After that, it's study my butt off time yet again (oh yeah, exam in a week and 2 days!)

It's always just a little lonely whenever a visitor leaves. Sigh. You know what THAT means!!! I'll either go out and socialize instead of studying OR I'll blog and waste time online instead of studying.

Blah.

And now, a picture I took of the ceiling of the elevator in my building. I thought it was cool. Then again, I'm easily amused...

2007-03-29T20:57:00.000-04:00

ACRONYMOUS BLOGGING...

Motivated
Antsy
Rambunctious
Intense
Accomodating
Nifty
Altruistic

I'm just going to start blogging this way. It's less of a waste of time than normal blogging. Or is it?

I just have nothing to say but I feel that blogging urge that pops up whenever I've spent too much time staring at physiology stuff. Ah, physiology. It'll all be over soon!

Pain in my ass
Hard as hell
Yikes
So much to learn
Intense studying
Overflow of information
Lots of memorization
Only 3 days left
God I'm screwed
Yes, I need a miracle.

This is fun!

Fine, I'll stop
Useless waste of time this is
Now I'm talking like Yoda

2007-03-29T01:00:00.000-04:00

Majorly stressed
As usual
Really slacked off
I can't believe I did it again
All this material
Not enough time
Amazing

Because I don't want to blog about school (cause honestly, who cares?) and because I don't want to waste tons of time blogging, I made a Mariana acronym thingy. That's all.

2007-03-28T00:12:00.000-04:00

I should be resting for my long day of studying tomorrow (and the day after that, and the day after that... until Monday)

BUT... I hit up Stumble-Upon, my one-stop site for unlimited distractions.

I found a site that has all of Aesops fables. Yes there is an apostrophe missing in that last sentence, but for some odd reason, every once in a while the apostrophe key triggers the "Find" dialogue box on the bottom of the screen (you know, the one that pops up when you hit ctrl-F). If you do not know what I am talking about, you need to seriously get with the program. Ctrl-F allows for easy browsing and saves so much time!!!

What the hell was I saying?

Oh. So I found a site with a bunch of the fables of Aesop. Here it is. These are short stories. They're not particularly amazing, but they are special to me because they remind me of childhood. My dad knew a lot of these stories (or some weird Lebanese version of them) so he used to tell us one every night.

Caveat Emptor: The fables aren't particularly well written or deep... and it's weird how every story's title is something like "The Mosquito and the Lion" or "The Ass, the Wolf, and the Anteater."

But hey, apparently they're good for something, if they're sooooo famous and stuff. Know what I mean, Jelly Bean? For example, one of the titles is "A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing." We've all heard this saying at one point or another. Yes? No? Maybe so??? If you want to find it on the page, hit CTRL-F and a text box will pop up (usually in the lower left hand corner of the screen). Type in "Sheep" and you will see what I mean.

Good work!

OMG. I just noticed that the apostrophe is back. It's back. I can't believe it. I'm using it in every sentence from now on! I don't want to go back and correct the initial mistake because I already spent so much time writing about it.

Does anyone know why this apostrophe phenomenon occurs???

Anyway, read some of the fables. The site tells you "the moral of the story" next to each title, so if you want to read a short story about some animals who talk to each other and end up teaching you a valuable lesson, this is the site for you.

It is 12:24 AM, way past my bedtime.

2007-03-25T23:15:00.000-04:00

Uh oh!!!

Exciting game today between Georgetown and UNC!!! Overtime was amazing! I watched the game at a bar in Georgetown and joined in the rioting on the streets... fun!

BUT...

If it boils down to Florida vs Georgetown, I must be a traitor to my current school and go for the Gators. Why? Because it's a team I respect. Also because it is my dream to go to medical school there, and if Georgetown beats them I don't see that helping me in any way...

Oh, the excitement!

2007-03-25T11:29:00.000-04:00

OKAY!

I'm back BEEEETCHES!

But there's no time to blog about my adventures in Miami... mainly because I want to study enough to feel okay about the slacking I'll be doing tonight. Georgetown's playing. NO, I'm not going for Georgetown. I don't bleed HOYA blue. But it's going to be fun.

sidenote: I am a traitor, I am supposed to bleed orange and green (CANES) but thanks to Aldo and one medical school tour, I'm in love with the GATORS! I am hoping to bleed orange and blue!

I had some other stuff to say but I forgot, and there's no time for dilly-dallying. I'll be back of course (impending exam = exponential increase in slackerage, ie blogging)

2007-03-14T14:00:00.000-04:00

One more day till I'm in Miami! As a preview, DC weather has been ridiculous (higher than 70 degrees F!!!) People are walking around in shorts and flip flops. YAY!

I'm so excited (and I just can't hide it!)

I already have a large chunk of the first 5 days of my vacation planned out. There is already no room for studying, though... yikes!

Two friends (Arielle & Aileen) from my program are coming to visit Miami. I am excited to show them some real latin flavor!

The plan:

Wednesday (today): Study, study, study (shouldn't be blogging!)
night: Go to McFadden's with classmates for pre-spring break fiesta.

Thursday: Frantically pack, rush to airport, fly home!
night: Coconut Grove w/ Monica, college night! An age old tradition. We still go even though technically we're not in college. Sigh.

Friday: Recover from Thursday night. Talk to mommy.
night: Finnigan's and Brick's to celebrate Monica's birthday!

Saturday: Recover from Friday night. Go to the beach.
night: Celebrate St. Patrick's day : )

Sunday: Recover from Saturday night.
night: visitors from DC come into town! Party out on the town.

Monday: BEACH
night: more partying

I'm going to stop wasting time writing all this stuff out. It's basically beach then party every day. This is terrible. I'm not going to get any studying done, and I'm going to fry my already fried brain. I promise myself at least 2 solid days of studying after Tuesday!!!

Speaking of studying, I should go do that now. I just wanted to talk about how excited I am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-03-13T19:17:00.000-04:00

The past several days in review, and me saying "boo-hoo"

Friday: Game night was fun... it got pretty crowded. I think there were 17 of us at one point. My apartamento is not that big...

We got to play my latest game acquisition: Taboo. I found it on the floor in the lobby of my building. People leave crap behind when they move out... and by crap, I mean treasures. Other lobby of my building goodies include: a set of good knives, 2 cute placemats, Season 1 of Friends on VHS (ancient!), and my very nice living room table. Hooray for free stuff!

After most of the herd left some of us went to hookah and play backgammon. Not smart on my part, since I got home at 5 am, only 4 hours before I was supposed to be leaving to Atlantic City.

Saturday morning in a Zombie-like state I got in a car headed to Atlantic City for a beer festival. Super exciting! The road trip was fun. That part of New Jersey is depressing. It almost slightly has some charm, but it's the kind of charm an ugly, dumb dog has.

The beer festival was awesome! I would not have ever believed that chocolate or blueberry beer would be something good... After 4 hours of beerfesting, we went to Hooters for some fine dining, then a nightclub. I was impressed with the nightclub. Everything else in Atlantic City made me nauseous.

The car ride home was fun, too!

I hate getting back from one of these awesome super mega fun road trips and feeling sad it's over and facing the reality of exams and med school and laundry. I hate laundry.

I missed class on Monday because I didn't change my alarm clock for Daylight Savings. I changed the clock on the oven, and the one on the microwave, but I somehow forgot the most important one. So that sucked. Just the beginning of a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (ok, that's an exaggeration... the day was good, until the end).

I went to a spinning/cycling class for the first time in my life. It was super fun! Then I went to see 300, which was entertaining. Then, instead of coming home and going to bed early, I went out to a Georgetown bar for trivia night. All was fine until I got home and realized I had left my keys at school. NOT FUN!

Through determination and magic I got into my apartment within 30 minutes. It was frustrating, but quite the adventure.

So it's been an eventful past few days. Amidst the fun times, however, I can't deny that I've been having some of those lows. Those "holy crap I'm not doing well, I'm not gonna get into med school, I should have studied more, I hate this crap" lows.

The uncertainty of where I will be in August, the uncertainty of whether or not I'll have to start this incredibly painful application process once again, and the uncertainty of whether or not I will be happy with life if I have a year off are all chipping away at my sanity.

Making the situation worse is my drive to go out. I've been catching myself attempting to stay distracted by going out a lot more than I should, neglecting everything, including laundry and sleep (both very important!)

The good news is I will be away from all of this in two days. I'll be at home, in my comfortable bed. I'll be away from talk of GPAs and Med school interviews and Exam scores. I am going to push myself to study as much as possible... (booooooooo)

Besides studying, there will be some shopping and a lot of beachgoing... EXCITING!

Nap time!

2007-03-09T16:02:00.000-05:00

Okie dokie karaoke...

So I didn't do exactly as well as I should have on the exam, but such is life. I didn't study as much as I should have. Shit happens, ya know?

I will study my posterior off for the next exam in hopes of getting that sexy "A." The exam is in the beginning of April, but everyone's already studying like crazy. This program is NUTS.

The only thing keeping me sane: In between study sessions, I've got lots of exciting stuff planned.

Tonight I will have people over for game night, which is always a blast! Tomorrow I am heading to Atlantic City for a beer festival with a dozen or so of my classmates. VERY EXCITING! I don't intend on gambling there... mainly because "Medschool Roulette" is taking up all of my gambling energy.

Then, on March 15th, it's home-sweet-home for Spring Break. I will study. I will. Really. I'm going to study a lot during the days, and then party at night. To end the vacation, I will probably go to ULTRA, which is a massive music festival that rocks my socks off.

Then I get back here for a week of hardcore studying. Then I take my second physiology exam. THEN, Monica (aka Moneefa) is coming to visit. I'm really excited!!!!!!!!!!

All of these great fun things help me keep my mind off of the deep-seated fear of not getting into medical school this year. Yikes-o-rama.

Ok, so I'm gonna go study now *shudder*

2007-03-05T02:40:00.000-05:00

*singing* It's the end of the world, as I know it.... and I feel fine...

Yep, that's right. I've lost my marbles. Insomnia the night before a test. The hardest test I'll ever take, and it's the least prepared I've been for any exam since I started this program. Correction, it's the least prepared I've been for such an IMPORTANT exam.

I can't wait till it's over.

Physiology is damn amazing though. The lengths your body goes to just to stay normal. It's all about my homie, homeostasis. I love this subject, and I'm hoping that in medical school I will be able to enjoy it more. Right now, however, it is the bane of my existence.

I'm losing my mind... really, I am.

Sipping on some sleepy time
So much crap jumbled in my mind
The partial pressure of O2
Dead space, shunts, and VQ
Ventilation and stuff like that
Arteries that are clogged with fat
Heart disease, veins that squeeze,
PFT's, and COPDS
A patient's wheeze
Kill me PLEASE.

Can you say "too much red bull"?

Yeah.

I shouldn't/wouldn't be blogging but studying is just not happening. I tried that pre-sleepytime tea. My mind is overloaded with information.

Less than 6 hours till the exam. SIX HOURS. That's how much sleep I should get tonight. Instead, I might squeeze 2-3 hours out and then fail even more misreably than initially expected due to BOTH insufficient preparation AND insufficient sleep.

And by fail I mean not get an A.

Maybe Frank Starling will save me.

2007-03-04T02:51:00.000-05:00

I am back. I cannot sleep.

I'm freaking exhausted, and I can't sleep.

Talk about annoying.

And so I'm sitting here, waiting for the teapot to squeal so I can guzzle up the miracle that is sleepy time tea.

AND....the teapot's shrieking already....

So I hit the stumble button a few times on the browser and found a site that has a PDF for Steal This Book... if you haven't heard of it, let my good friend Wiki tell you all about it.

I've read a few pages and so far this thing is hilarious.

Just to quote a few lines from Chapter 7, "Free Medical Care" in a Chapter about birth control clinics, the author writes:

"The rhythm method or Vatican roulette as it is called by hip Catholics, is a waste unless you are ready to surround yourself with thermometers, graphs and charts. You also have to limit your f$%@ing to prescribed days. Even with all these precautions, women have often gotten pregnant using the rhythm method."

"Vatican Roulette!" Pretty amusing, huh? I thought so... Then again, I'm easily amused.

Part of my amusement comes from knowing damn well that Vatican Roulette is about the best way to guarantee unwanted pregnancy. Kinda dumb for such a pro-life group of people, dontcha think?

Anyway, I read some other excerpts, covering the obtainment of free meals and tricks to steal from the supermarket.... Also pretty amusing.

Yes, it's wrong that this dude encouraged stealing and other crimes (the whole book is really about getting stuff for free).

Whatever. It's still really entertaining.

Ok, now that I have chugged this infusion of chammomile, valerian root, and other herbal sleep aids, I will attempt to catch some of those elusive Z's...

2007-03-04T00:15:00.000-05:00

It's 12:25 am. Just got home from school. Spent the whole day studying. I can't even describe how freaking tired I am. This test has brought an unparalleled level of stress to my little soul. I can't wait till it's over.

Then, there's nothing but blue skies! Next weekend I'll be in Atlantic City for a Beer Festival, and the weekend after that, it's home-sweet-home for spring break. Miami, here I come.

Although I am nowhere near my weight loss goal, I did lose some weight, and that's a plus since I will spend as much time as humanly possible at the beach. This reduces the chances of the Humane society showing up as a result of mistaking me for a beached whale...

2007-02-27T23:02:00.000-05:00

Incubus- Morning View
Warning

Bat your eyes girl
Be otherworldly
Count your blessings
Seduce a stranger
What's so wrong with being happy?
Kudos to those who see through sickness

When she woke in the morning
She knew that her life had passed her by
And she called out a warning
Don't ever let life pass you by

I suggest we learn to love ourselves
Before it's made illegal
When will we learn?
When will we change?
Just in time to see it all fall down
Those left standing will make millions
Writing books on the way it should have been

When she woke in the morning
She knew that her life had passed her by
And she called out a warning
Don't ever let life pass you by

Floating in this cosmic jacuzzi
We are like frogs oblivious
To the water starting to boil
No one flinches
We all float face down

When she woke in the morning
She knew that her life had passed her by
And she called out a warning
Don't ever let life pass you by

Amazing song! I took a study break (naughty, naughty!)

This song came on as part of my "Study Mix 3" playlist, and I just *had* to look up the lyrics.

Then, as though the impending doom that is Physiology Exam 2 were nonexistent, I went on to read people's interpretations. Besides the obvious "live in the moment" message in the song, people had some interesting ideas...

-She = mother earth; the song's about global warming.

-The song's about the gradual decay of society as a whole and the fact that most people deny/ignore it (or something like that). The boiling frog metaphor is probably what inspired this interpretation.

and, finally, if Sigmund Freud were alive and 15 years old again, he'd say:

-The song is about having sex...

This guy clearly heard/read the first five lines and saw "seduce a stranger" and "what's so wrong with being happy?"

I thought it was kinda funny... While the whole song clearly can't be about getting a girl in bed, it's a semi-valid interpretation that kind of ties back to the "seize the moment" stuff. But I'd like to see Sigmund explain the boiling frog analogy having to do with knocking boots.

I'm not going to say anyone's right or wrong, or slack off more by talking about my interpretation. All I'll say is that this song is amazing.

...and...

Incubus is possibly one of the best bands of all time!

Good night, and good luck not letting your life pass you by.

2007-02-27T18:56:00.000-05:00

Mr. Garcia

Back in highschool we had an AMAZING calculus teacher named Mr. Garcia. He had a thick Cuban accent, and all he cared about was Calculus, the AP Calculus exam, and Calculus. He called everyone "Mr./Miss So and So" and he was goofy and funny but at the same time one of the most frightening people I have ever encountered. When his former students would come back to visit him, he rarely remembered their names but always remembered what they got on the AP exam...

Since I'd had Mr. Garcia for summer school pre-calculus, not only was I extra prepared for his Calculus class, but I was also not afraid of him... or at least I didn't act it. I aced everything, so he loved me, but I talked way too much and acted like a clown a lot, so he hated me. Most of my highschool teachers thought I was a pain in the ass. I really was. Most of them liked me regardless.

My fondest memory of Mr. Garcia: one day we were given time to work on a problem and I was done with it quickly. He had probably told us to stay quiet or something (can't remember) but I turned around to talk to my friend behind me and, while involved in conversation, I suddenly felt myself moving. The teacher was so annoyed at me that he dragged my desk/chair, with me in it, to the corner of the classroom. The uproar of laughter from my peers was huge. I was shocked! He made me sit there the whole class period. "Meeeees Khawand, you will sit here and face the wall. This way you have no one to talk to."

I've never been so embarassed and amused at the same time.

He was one of the greatest teachers I've ever had.

2007-02-27T07:19:00.000-05:00

I don't want a pity party....

Sigh. Ok. I know I talk about these med school rejections like they're the end of the world: (two blog posts ago I wrote but each rejection chips away at your heart and soul until there's nothing left but empty space and the seething pain of rejection and failure.)

I just write about these things and that's pretty much where it ends. I don't dwell. Mainly because I have other things to worry about (ie eating).

In reality, I'm super mega lucky that I've gotten three interviews so far, at three kickass schools. In reality, if I don't get in next year, there is plenty of great stuff for me to do. In reality, I would not fall into a spiral of self-loathing and depression. In reality, I might actually want another year off. You think that's crazy? I'll tell you what's crazy: Once I start med school, it's nothing but work from there. HARD work. Sooooo, a little break wouldn't kill me, dontcha think?

The truth of the matter is that a multitude qualified students do not get in each year.

Furthermore, there is a great deal of politics/networking, and so if Daddy donated lots of cash to a school, little Johnny/Jane is in. Such is life, my dear.

"It's a crapshoot," they say. Who are "they"? People who just want to make you feel better even though you're a huge waste of life that will never ever amount to anything EVER.

Juuuust kidding.

Really, I'm kidding.

It really is a crapshoot. Google "medical school" and "crapshoot" and I'll bet you'll find tons of stuff. I'd do it, but I want to walk to school (the weather is nice, all the snow is GONE).

Life is good, babycakes. Life is gooooooooooood.

2007-02-26T18:00:00.000-05:00

**SIGH**

Got another rejection today. Emory.

It would've been nice to be in Hot-lanta. My cousin lives there, it's nice and warm, and Emory is a great school. Way outta my league, so I wasn't banking on it.

Oh well. It will all work out somehow in the end. I've already accecpted the possibility of not getting in this year. It would be nice, I'd travel and work. The one turn off is moving back to my house. Love the fam but love my independence too...

Another turn off is the thought of going through the application process all over again. It's expensive and time consuming. Not to mention nerve-wracking.

Speaking of wracked nerves, I have an exam in a week. Can't wait till that puppy is over.

Then I can start a new and exciting fund-raising project, which I will blog about later. For now it's study time : (

2007-02-25T11:34:00.001-05:00

It's SNOWING! A lot.

It is beautiful when it's coming down and when it is freshly fallen. But walking through it, slipping on it, and falling in it... not so beautiful. Black and grey splotchy snow... yuck.

And to think, all of that snow we got last week had finally melted. Sheesh.

Watching the snow fall is kind of relaxing, though. Seeing my world covered in white fluff is also kinda nice.

And don't even get me started on snowball fights! So much funnnnnn!!!!

Basically, I can't decide on how I feel about the fact that it's snowing. Just like I can't decide how I feel about ANYTHING, except for the very basic, easy stuff, like "this steak is great."

It's both a blessing and a curse to not be a one sided absolutist, but it becomes quite exhausting to always see the value of both sides. Making decisions is not my thing.

It's expected from an individual whose rising sign is Libra...

I guess I will say that I am happy that it is snowing, because it has given me something nice to watch while I eat breakfast (television blows).

Tomorrow I will marvel at the beauty and perhaps engage someone in a snowball fight.

The day after tomorrow I will complain that I can't F%@#ing walk anywhere without nearly killing myself.

After that I will count the days until weather.com promises a nice, warm day. And by warm I mean somewhere above 32 degrees.

2007-02-25T00:21:00.000-05:00

And so...

While I did absolutely no studying today, the day did improve significantly once I walked out of the apartment. The weather was gorgeous, and my walk did not feel long at all. I kept my mind busy, so busy that I did not feel the burden of a one hour walk (I usually get a little annoyed/tired at the 20 and 40 min marks).

During my walk I got some not so spectacular news from my dad: a letter came in the mail. REJECTION. Bam. From Albert Einstein Medical College in New York. No, I wasn't DYING to go there, but each rejection chips away at your heart and soul until there's nothing left but empty space and the seething pain of rejection and failure.

It's really that dramatic.

It bugged me because time's-a-tickin. Interview season is almost over. Soon, I will have enough rejection letters to make a daily "You're a f**k up" calendar. Instead of word of the day, it can be "School that doesn't want you" of the day.

Ok, enough of that. I shouldn't even complain. I do this crap to myself.

For example, today....

I went to school and did some stuff that needed to be done. I won in scrabble three times, but my opponents came close... too close for comfort. Studying was attempted twice. Failure followed shortly thereafter.

If only we got a grade for playing scrabble.

This slacking has to stop. It's like I have senioritis (you know, in highschool, your last semester of senior year, you just stop caring)... Except, I can't just stop caring. I need to do well if I want to get into medical school this year. But I've been slack-a-lackin' like crazy.

Enough complaining, I'm gonna read a little then hit the hay.

2007-02-24T12:24:00.000-05:00

You know how there are days when you wake up and you feel great, ready to take on whatever life throws at you? Full of energy, your spirits high, a smile on your face...

Yeah.

Today is NOT one of those days for me.

I'll just try to stay positive until one of those days graces me once again.

2007-02-22T22:41:00.000-05:00

Tutor/Tutee Appreciation Night

I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but I'll repeat it anyway (I've been known to repeat stories over and over and over again): I tutor a 9 year old boy named Howard every week as part of a Georgetown outreach program for kids from the not-so-great parts of town. I really enjoy tutoring (I've been doing it for about 5 years now) but this is my first time dealing with someone so young. The kid is smart but, just like any normal 9 year old, he wants to play all of the time, and the thought of practicing his cursive makes him hysterical.

He spends most of the one-hour session running from me, hiding, doing cartwheels, and complaining about the exercises I give him. Since I am just a kid in disguise, I play along and find ways to incorporate multiplication table drilling exercises into Foosball games (ie, I will not put the ball back out until he gets three questions correct in a row).

One week he really irked me to the point of bitchiness, and I was stern with him. Ever since then he's been behaving better. I didn't necessarily handle the situation with all the grace in the world, but it was one of THOSE days... "Everything is F**CKED, Everybody SUCKS, You don't really know why, but you wanna justify RIPPING SOMEONE'S HEAD OFF."

Yes, I just quoted Limp Bizkit. That is a good "bad day" song, though... at least the intro.

I digress (surprise, surprise)...

So, for the event, the kids put on some performances. You know, your standard kids' show songs and dance. As a group they performed a song in sign language or maybe interpretive dance, I'm not sure. It was very pleasant. The best part for me was when my tutee, his brother, and two other boys recited "Mother to Son" by Langston Hughes. Here it is:

Well, son, I'll tell you:
Life for me ain't been no crystal stair.
It's had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor—
Bare.
But all the time
I'se been a-climbin' on,
And reachin' landin's,
And turnin' corners,
And sometimes goin' in the dark
Where there ain't been no light.
So, boy, don't you turn back.
Don't you set down on the steps.
'Cause you finds it's kinder hard.
Don't you fall now—
For I'se still goin', honey,
I'se still climbin',
And life for me ain't been no crystal stair.

It was very touching, and yes I got a little misty-eyed. I am a softy (despite my tough exterior), and I tend to get the whole goosebumps misty-eye reaction to most performances (especially when there's kids/music involved) but this was really really strong for me. I have met my child's mother and I have been told she has some sort of debilitating illness. I cannot say for certain, but I don't think she's got it easy. And so, hearing Howard recite that really got to me.

The rest of the ceremony was pretty long but there was an emphasis on how great this program is, how great the supporters of the program are, and how great God is, too. The kids are all members of the same church, so there were definitely a lot of religious undertones, overtones, and in between tones, too. Religion/religiousness is not my cup of tea but slowly a personal set of ideas is taking form in my mind. I even considered giving up something for Lent. Not for Jesus, per se, but for me. Self-improvement, if you will. Which is, indirectly, for "Jesus" or "God" because... well, because I said so. Because wanting to be good is wanting to be one with God. How's that sound? I'll think of a better explanation when I'm not exhausted.

Moving right along...

Topping off this hectic week is our class auction. It's tomorrow. I auctioned off the first item for bid! It's 6 bagged lunches consisting of PB&J sandwich on whole wheat, veggies or chips, and fruit or a granola bar, for 15 bucks. I am also auctioning off a nice bubble bath, body lotion, soap, and other girly stuff gift set for 7 bucks (I think it's worth like 30). So that means I'll be at school tomorrow from early in the AM till the evening. *Sigh* Story of my life.

If you're bored and have nothing better to do, check it out. There are some funny items up for bid: SMP 07 Auction Website.

The proceeds go to our class funds and our class project, which involves building wells in Kenya to provide suitable drinking water for the population there. I think it's an amazing project, but there are many naysayers who believe it is not feasible.

I have never been so involved in helping others and I have never felt so great in my life. I think my grades are suffering because I keep wanting to be involved in everything while also partying a lot. Whatver, Trevor, I'm still gonna reach my goal and at least I can say I did something besides study all day... PSHHHHHHH *snaps fingers*

And now, it's 11:20 pm. I'd like to wake up on time for once this semester. I'd also like to have an extra 2 weeks to study for this upcoming exam. I've just been so gosh darn busy lately!

I missed The Office and that makes me sad : (

Nighty night world...

2007-02-21T22:20:00.000-05:00

Is it really always sunny in Phuladelphia? Great, cause I'm sure the place is a death trap when it turns dark!

Just got back from a med school interview there.

Ummm....yeahhhh

I guess it's nice and urban and I can see that people love it (still working on understanding why). I am on the fence on whether or not I could like it. Yes, that fence with all the graffiti on it. Yes, the one near the sidewalk with all the litter. Yes, the one near the subway station that reeks of urine and cigarette smoke, and that appears to be flourishing with all kinds of disease and yuck.

OK, maybe I'm exaggerating. Or MAYBE I'm just spoiled, living in my apartment in Northwest DC. Ah, Washington, DC, with its sexy metro and its clean sidewalks. I think it has spoiled me. And to think, when I moved here, I was worried about being on a bus at 8 pm. Now that's no big deal. In Philly I would not be on the street past 5 pm unaccompanied by a linebacker-sized bodyguard. I'm slightly paranoid.

BUT, the school was really great. Great students, plus the opportunity to get more hands on experience than pretty much any other school in the country (public hospital!)

I'll keep the stubby fingers crossed.

2007-02-19T10:57:00.000-05:00

This weekend...

Has been interesting. Interview at EVMS went very nicely, I loved the school. I'm keeping these stubby fingers crossed.

Saturday we had a triple Bday celebration for Adam (2/13), Arjun (2/16), and Jose (2/18). It was tons of fun. Last night was game night that quickly devolved into gossiping, discussing medical school woes, and an incredible unfair wrestling match. Unfair because it was me against a guy, and unfair because I drunkily threw punches (apparently there's no punching in wrestling... tee-hee).

My left wrist hurts like crazy today, and I'm not even left handed. I am so not smart.

Last night, I was also ridiculed for having a blog. Why? Because blogging usually implies you are highly opinionated and you think what you have to say is super important. Neither applies to me, so hush up Joe Gill, et al. : )

But, I had a lot of fun. I just hope the victim of my beating doesn't hate my guts now.

In other news, I am very behind in my studies, and that's happening hardcore, all day today. FOR REAL. I have another interview on Wednesday at Temple University. This was nice news, but the absolute lack of response from any Florida schools is irksome.

And now, it's time to ice my wrist and eat breakfast. Then I'll get on blogger and read other people's blogs. Then I'll get on facebook. Then I'll check out my Relay For Life status. Then I'll make some phone calls. Then I'll look at the physiology book for 4 minutes. Then I'll get on blogger again. Then facebook.....

NO! Not today. Although that's how my study sessions have been going recently, today shall be different. I will study all day.

I am so behind, it's scary. It's horriffic. Awful. Disgusting. It's totally NOT rad.

Two "shout outs":

1) Thanks to all who donated to sponsor me for Relay for Life!
2) Somebody: count how many names are in this post. And stop making fun of me for having a blog! My blog is epic.